Fulfillment Center

Times have changed, haven't they? Hell, when my old man or my great -grandpappy wanted a burrito or a alarm clock that slowly wakes you up with a light as if it is the light of the rising sun, they'd have to drive or take their steam to the A &P to get one. Now, with one simple click, we're 24 hours away from a bidet showing up at our door. Just like the one I'm using right now.

All right, guys. Great job. This past week, numbers have been super high. Our efficiency rate has doubled in the past two weeks. I think that's due to our new hires. You guys have been doing a great job. We've really filled the team out. And so just going into our shifts this week, let's keep up the good work. You know what I mean? Thank

you. Let's keep it up, you know? I appreciate the shout -out, Keith. Oh, of course. You know, I just want to make sure everybody knows. You know, I do the hires, so I want everybody to know that the hires are credit to me. I do all the interviews. I knew

that you guys were incredible. I want to say thank you to the new hires. I do feel like our lack of success before you got here was a little bit my fault. I was a little slower than I initially expected, but thank you

for being patient with me. Clarence, you've been with us for 34 years. You are 72 years old,

and

you're doing the best that you can. Thank you. And so we just appreciate every day that you wake up and you make it here as a gift.

And I apologize for kind of editorializing. When anybody orders Chapstick, I just throw in Vaseline and castor oil and products that I am familiar with. Oatmeal. Anytime anyone orders food. I apologize for that.

Okay. Yeah, I had a question about that because I had seen that, and I think I have my answer. But, yeah, I saw Clarence kind of seeing what people ordered and being like, you don't need full toothpaste. You can do the same thing with baking soda and water.

Yeah, I'm kind of... It's all right, Clarence. It's all right. That was Rodney, our fastest delivery driver.

Rodney's quick. He's really,

really good. Some people, and this is a rumor,

some people say he's actually the real Santa Claus. He drives so fast. That's a rumor?

That's a rumor. I took it as truth. I took it as truth. Well, I'll tell you this much. Santa's been working out. Santa

is jacked. Woo!

Santa's hot. I'll say it. I'll say it. Anyway, thank you, thank you. And I won't suggest money -saving tips to

orderers. No, I mean, as long as we don't charge them for the full price, which I do know that we have been doing when we replace their items with...

So

it's okay

if I replace the items with something that I think is okay as long as I charge them correctly. Yes. Really? That's okay.

That seems pretty bad, too. But I'm

with it. I was wondering, just because I got the memo about... And again, I appreciate the recognition that things have kind of picked up since we've been here. But I said to the memo that you were getting a raise for hiring two hardworking boys. Yeah. And it just feels like we... I was wondering if we were ever going to see some sort of benefit for helping the

okay

company. Well, obviously you will. But, you know, raises for warehouse fulfillment workers are done on a yearly basis. And I don't think it's unusual for me to get a raise when I hire good guys because, like, you guys are good guys. And I picked you. And it feels like there's no real, like, a rubric for giving a raise to middle management.

I had another sort of question, like, on this line of questioning, I

guess. As I was being trained, every single thing that was taught to me was wrong. Like, each step was incorrect and I had to fix it and then also go into the training manual and fix that. Uh

-huh. Which was no problem. I still upped the productivity and everything. But I don't know. Shouldn't I get some credit for that? And I know I'm new, but...

Wow. So you just kind of let the training happen with me. And now you're giving me this note that I did it wrong?

No, I kept telling you during the training, this isn't working. The machine keeps jamming. I think your finger's stuck in there.

I thought you were on your cell phone or something.

I don't know. I was looking you in the eyes.

Well, that doesn't stop me from having that happen with my wife. So it's just... I didn't realize you were talking to me. Getting your finger stuck in there?

What are you talking about?

It doesn't matter. If somebody's looking you in the eyes, it doesn't necessarily mean that they're talking to you.

But if you make a mistake, it doesn't necessarily mean that someone else is on their cell phone. That's not always the cause of the

mistake. That's what it is with my wife. Okay? That's what it is. All right? Okay. Okay. Well, hey.

Thank you guys so much for having us. No, it's good. We're good. We're happy. We're really happy.

Oh. Yeah.

There's all those letters in the break room about how it's

not going great. And you

said... Letters. Inspiration. Hey,

you need to read these letters your wife is writing you about your relationship. The notes she puts in my lunch?

Yes.

The letters. Nobody reads the notes

that their wife puts in their lunch. They're not notes. The

notarized letters she puts in your lunch. What do you mean? It

seems... You mean the big manila envelopes? Yes. She's written a series of 50 letters that all build on each other, and they've been notarized for some reason. I don't know if at the end there's going to be a big bomb dropped or something,

but... Hey, don't say bomb in a fulfillment center like that. Right. Right. The alarms will go off. They should be. Who installed the alarms? Me!

And instead of having alarms, I've trained a series of crows to be on the lookout to do cause if they see somebody.

That's what those were. Yep. Wait, you've

been hearing them call?

I mean, yeah, they caught my turkey sandwich out of my hand yesterday. Oh, yeah. I keep them

hungry so they work good. I've been noticing that every time I go to the little coffee shop that's in the corner... Mm -hmm. Commissary. Yeah, the commissary. The crows come down and swoop all the change out of my hand

before... Show any objects.

Yeah, well, the crows can't just steal our money, right?

Well, I attempted to... I was trying to train them that once people's coins have been stolen to attack the person with the coin so we can retrieve them. But they're... People steal a lot of coins around here? I mean, I use coins. Nobody uses coins

anymore. Everybody's like dollars, tens, twenties, debit and credit.

Give me back my nickels and pennies and quarter stocks and

nickels. I think you should be talking to the crows. They got a huge stack of them in the corner.

Listen, the crows have created almost a pirate ship -esque thing

with tons of overflowing treasure trove chests. I will say, when I saw that guy with a peg leg on top of a crow's shoulder...

outside

It's opposite pirates outside. And they're making... Yeah, they're making me walk the plank

all the time. But these are the crows that you brought into the warehouse. Yes. This is the security system. Let's remember. This is our current security system. This is like Altima. When they hired the Hells Angels to do security, we're hiring crows to do security here. And they'll do their jobs. And if anybody causes any trouble, they'll be effective, I'm assuming.

Yes. I mean, you hit it on the head. They're all in denim

vests. And they're

walking around.

So they're Hells Angels and pirates? Yes.

They're both. They're everything.

Anything else we want them to be, they will

be.

Well, I just... You know, to be totally honest, I'm just going to put my head down and get through this two months

because I'm just trying to make some money so I can pay for... A ring?

What's that?

A ring?

Wow, you get married? One person gets divorced and another gets married.

Yeah.

Wait, divorce?

What are you talking

Divorce?

honestly learning a lot about how to... Read the letters. Read the letters. We're pretty far in. We're at

about? And I'm

like 46. Read the letters, dude. They're awesome. We're at like 46 and 50. It's a saga. They're notarized. You're fucked. What are you saving up for?

Maybe it was a ring. No, it was a ring. Yeah.

A boxing ring? You're going to get down on one knee and give your wife a boxing ring? Oh, my God.

Yeah, but hopefully Michelle will kick my ass

ring for the

in the

rest

of my life. That is so romantic.

Yeah.

Oh, my God. She's just always been in my corner.

That doesn't make me want to barf at all. This

just felt like

the exact

representation. I'm not sick to my stomach.

That is beautiful. It is beautiful. Thank you. She loves Rocky. She loves the Rocky

movies. Who doesn't? Great. Great film. And yeah, so I'm just saving up for a couple of months. Well, the first one. The other four are horrible. Wow. They're

absolutely terrible. Are you going to wax each other's faces as vows?

Yeah. Put a little wax on a Q -tip and hold it up to a cut.

Well, it's actually really beautiful.

I knew it would be. Wait.

Well, unfortunately, her father is on death's D, but he's going to come in and wax her face at the ceremony in

front of everybody. Wow. His final

waxing. Yeah. That's beautiful. He's going to wax her, and then he's going to wax me. And then if it all works out, she'll knock him out. All the way out. His request all the way

out. Wow. And do you have anybody walking their rounds across? We're still looking. We're just kind of doing a vendor day, I think, pretty soon.

Oh, cool. And so, yeah, we're going to see it. They're just all going to walk in front of us, and we'll see them. This is so beautiful.

I really want to help you hit your quota. Thank you.

Yeah. So whatever I can do to get there, and I really appreciate that. And, again, if anybody knows Don King, it would really make her day my day.

I don't know him, but I do know his hair. That's the other thing that's

posted

a

lot on the break. It doesn't look like you just know him. It looks like you

modeled yourself

after his

hair. I mean, read the letters. It's all in there. It's one of the biggest issues. The tone of it is like, you modeled yourself after his hair. Not him. Your whole body is modeled after his

hair. At

least make the money is the issue.

I'm trying.

Well, hey, I can tell that you're having a tough time here, and that it's a new hire who actually plans to be here for quite a while.

I would love to help the system get a little tighter. I would love to see things run a little better around here.

Oh,

I mean, look. What would you do about the parking situation? Because I feel like I'm walking really far. It's not that many people working here. I don't know if you have any solutions for that. Gosh, I don't know. I mean, I would maybe start allowing cars into the parking lot. You know? I don't

understand why we have this huge parking lot.

And then you say street parking

only. We got to have room for all the

crows. Yeah, I was going to say, we're

running out of space out there.

Guys, I don't know that that's that important. Can't we move the crows and their

ship off site? Has there been a robbery incident on campus or in the factory in the last few months?

I don't know. All those files have been redacted from the computer.

Yeah, I mean, we're quacted, actually, by a couple of the ducks

that are friends with the crows. They can do anything.

They're unbelievable. These crows are amazing. And they're duck friends. There's all kind of birds. We can have all of them.

Right, right.

Yeah, I think that you've given the crows too much power and respect, if that could be my suggestion.

Right. I would even be willing to, I know this is stark, but start killing some of the crows. Oh,

good luck. Yes. But be careful, because their leader, Jack Sparrow, the bird, will

be very upset

with you. To me, he looks more like Jack Sparrow.

Yeah.

That is a big

I think he works out with the delivery driver. I can tell. Who is Santa? Santa? I know it.

sparrow.

That's the rumor. That's the

rumor. And I've only been here a while, but I guess he never

works

Christmas. I could have swore

I heard him ho,

ho, ho the

Now, you said you want to stay a while. And I looked you up on the internet. I look everybody up when we start working. Right. Facebook or whatever.

other day.

You went to Harvard. Yeah. You studied engineering there. How did you end up

at a fulfillment warehouse

out here? Well, let me start by saying this beard is real. The hunch in my back is real. And I'm not an undercover boss.

Okay? I'm not at all an undercover boss. You look like the classic owner of this fulfillment center, the hunched over old man that lives in the clock tower.

No, that's real. The beard is real. The hunch is real. Jesus. And,

you know,

I would just love to see things improve here. And I guess what do you need from me?

Speaking of the boss. Yes. Have you guys seen those short films he emails everybody? They're so humiliating. He's so stupid.

Devastating. They're not. I mean, they're sort of well shot at the very least, I would say.

I get that the humor might be a little bit

niche.

Maybe well shot. But I think they're well shot. Well shot comedies?

I took them that way. They

don't read as funny or well shot.

Right. They don't really read or edited well. Right. Right. Yeah. He's an idiot. He's not reading as any artsy thing. No, I know. He's an idiot. And that's what I want to talk about is how do we get this place so much better that even his art gets better? That's what I want to talk about. And what would you say needs to change about the short films that I think some people are liking? He is getting, from what I heard, some email responses.

Oh, that's nice.

I think, I don't know. Do the emails have like long strings and numbers at the end and like hot mails? Yeah. Those are bots for sure. Really? Yeah. They're all bots. If it's a

bunch of numbers. Well, he figured those might have been coming from the crows.

Do they

have anything to do with the films? Are they subject about the films? Are they? They're saying this didn't get delivered.

Mail or demon, whatever that is. Oh, okay.

Well, yeah. Well. That's positive

reviews. They're bouncing back. I mean, are you trying to send them to somebody that maybe has changed their email because you emailed them too many times?

It's not me. It's this boss

who we hate. And I agree about. I mean the boss.

Yeah. Yeah.

Right. I don't know. Are you trying to reach out to somebody? Because I know it seems like the short films, most of them are trying to clear his name of allegations. Right.

Through art.

Yeah.

Through art. I've noticed that trend. Through art.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess to me, they actually look more upsetting. Like, did you ever by the end of your chance that I have a feeling you did see those Kevin Spacey videos that he put out when

he was trying to fight the charges? You feel like they're sort of like accidental admissions of what his

psyche is actually like? Exactly. Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah.

And we know our

boss did something very different than

Kevin

Spacey. It

was way

less intense.

Right. But it's still embarrassing. Right. Of course. Yeah. Like, clearing out a produce stand is not that big of a deal.

Totally. Like, stealing all the fruit. Stealing. Right. He's a wealthy man. Why

he even need to steal

would

all this fruit? I know. I know. It's like

it almost makes sense. And then it doesn't quite. And this guy, what the hell is he doing?

He's out of touch is the issue.

Also, did you see him? He volunteered to do the Pledge of Allegiance at the school recently.

Yes. No.

Yeah.

And he did the wrong one, right?

He did the wrong one. And he doubled

down.

Well, he did Pledge of Allegiance, technically.

But not to the United States for which it

stands. What did he do? I thought most people did well with it. I don't know. You tell us. You do the Pledge of Allegiance. I'm just a new employee.

This is real.

If you're really a real employee, you can do the Pledge of Allegiance. I pledge allegiance to the flag of Iraq. See?

That's what he said.

What? And he pledged allegiance to Iraq. I know. Which is not even like. I know what he said. I was kidding. I

was joking. We don't care if anybody has allegiance to Iraq.

I know. I pledge allegiance when you're supposed to do the American Pledge. It just felt like.

I know. I know.

We're really sensitive about the Iraq thing.

We don't want to make it seem like that's bad. If you don't pledge allegiance for which it stands for the United States of America, we don't want you here. If you don't

put your

right hand over your heart,

I pledge allegiance to the flag for Miss America. Okay. That's good. Of which it stands. One nation under God. Pledge of Liberty with United States in a hand. Amen.

I

like

it

better when it's a little bit your own.

Yes.

I like that. I like that. Make it your own. I pledge allegiance to Miss America. Yes.

Okay.

We definitely all did this year. Did you see Miss Hawaii?

Va

-va -voom.

Va -va -voom Miss Hawaii. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. I thought it was so bold for her talent to be driving. Because

she drove around that stage and like it was she parallel parked perfectly.

She got zero to stay. She did a couple of times.

fine.

It was fine. She did a couple of times. She drove around really good. The parallel parking was hard. Parallel parking

It was

was really

bad. It was

really,

missed

really bad. She

car fell off the stage.

the deal. The

I think we know whose card is in the bottom

of the ravine. And it landed on our favorite judge. Oh, my God. Judy.

Judy was there about to give her the X. Yes.

And Judge Judy got flattened by

the Taurus. Well, by the what?

Yes. Poor Taurus. And I will say Miss Hawaii, of course, was beautiful.

The Taurus.

She wasn't after the accident. No.

Almost everything got ripped

off.

That's on the doctor. Yeah. That's

on the doctor. That's artistic choices that were bad. The doctor took some liberties on the reconstruction. Right? I will say.

It made me go to the DMV and uncheck liberties on

my driver's license. Are

you still an

organ donor? You've got to be a donor, but you cannot check liberties.

Because they really go wild.

I don't know if you can tell, but I had liberties checked for about the first half of my life.

We can tell. No, they took liberties down your life. Yeah, look. After every accident I've had. Wow.

I didn't want to look like Don Kingsayer. Right. But now I do too. It's not a bad look. It's not a good

look. It's not a good look. But it's liberties. It's liberties. And they were taken on me.

All right. Well, Jesus. Well, hey, this is a great meeting. This is a great meeting. Oh, we got a delivery. What's it for? What's it for? What's it for? Read it out.

This is a combo printer fax machine.

Oh, no. Send him some pins. Send him a some pins