Hardware Store

Wrench. Garbage disposal. Ant poison. Key maker thing. The thing that copies keys for you. Snickers bars. Bathroom cleaner. No, I'm not doing the word associative pattern game you see during the heralded improv theaters across the country. I'm naming things you can find at your local hardware store.

Gling, gling, gling.

Hey Wayne, how we doing?

Hey, how you doing?

Good. Oh, you feeling under the weather there? No. You don't? Are you sure?

Well, you know, I was at my son's basketball game over the weekend.

Yes, no, I saw. I was there too. Yeah,

yeah, yeah. So you noticed me. My niece played before.

You really got into it with that ref.

Yeah, well, the two worst things are to be that actively involved in the game and that far in the nosebleeds.

Yeah. You should have been allowed to be a little bit closer. I feel like you had some good pointers for their defense that they needed to hear.

There's some people up front not contributing at all. And I had popcorn. I had soda. So I was already working dry. I'm going to work with a vocal coach for state.

Yeah, you need to work from your diaphragm. I think it'll help. Anyway, I'm looking for some sheet metal screws. Of course, the wind picked up last night, blew the top off the barn. It sure

did. So if you got any self -tap -ins, that'd be great. Yeah. You want me to go grab them for you? They're in three, but I

can walk them to you. No, no, no. I can get it. I can get it. They're in three? Yeah.

How's the barn doing, by the way? I know that's been a long project for you. It sucks. I feel like you just got it done last

week. Yeah, yeah. You know, these gusts are always a little bit stronger. Well, the gusts are telling me where my weak areas are, as you've seen. Anytime the weather picks up a little bit, the barn takes a pretty big hit. I mean, you saw all four posts that hold it up went out as if it was a baby deer out to the

side. Yeah, the barn came down

like a baby deer. Not as adorable, of course, as it came down on a bunch of horses and chickens. Yes, yes, yes. Luckily, our chickens are strong and our horses are strong. And the roof was really weak, so they broke right through.

It did not hurt them at all. You're learning.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyway, I'm going to also probably sink the posts now instead of just putting them on top of the ground.

Oh, good. Are you going to take any of my advice going forward, or are you going to learn it the wrong way?

Well, you know, I learn best by messing something up first. Trial by error. Is that it, right?

Trial by error? Because when you went last... Trial by error. Not trial and error. Trial by error. So I'm making an error based on a trial. You should be on trial for what you're doing to that barn. Trial by error. Well, even the

self -tapping. I mean, I told you last week, self -tapping, you want self -tapping. You said, hey, I got strong muscles you flexed for me. It said, I'll tap these in myself. Uh -huh, yes,

yes. And look at where we are now.

I know. Those are screws. They need to be screwed in, not nailed in. But I am currently being looked at by the GBI, Georgia Bureau of Investigation, for DIY stuff because it's becoming a problem.

So they've thrown it up to the GBI jurisdictionally?

It went through the ranks quick, my projects, all my projects, as if they, you know, because they have been... Well, I do... My shed before the barn became sort of a town tumbleweed and is kind of just rolling around the town.

I saw it at the duel. It rolled right through the duel a couple weekends ago. And

it rolled the duel. Now, is Robert

dead?

Because that... Is that a real

duel? I've never seen anyone live through getting shot in the head. But, I mean, I'm not sure if they pulled the breathing tube. But, yeah, it was a real duel. Usually they go for the chest or tummy. But,

Mike shot Robert in the head.

yeah,

No, no, no. I'm literally just buying

corn nuts. I'm going to leave. You don't have to leave. No, no, no, no. I need to grab these self -tappers. I'll be back. All right. Well, one bag of corn nuts.

All right, Stan.

Thank you.

I don't feel... Well, I'm not even going to say. You know how much they cost. And you know they're cheaper at the 7 -Eleven. But go ahead.

No, I like them here. This is my community place. And this is the kind of place I don't want to see gone.

We appreciate your support.

No problem. We really do. I'll be back here tomorrow for one more bag of corn nuts.

All right, Stan. I am impressed you didn't ask yet. But, yes, Cheryl is not working today.

Oh. Oh. Didn't even care.

Good.

Didn't even care. I'm glad

you got there.

I don't care, but I'll be back tomorrow. See if Cheryl's here. Get my same bag of ranch corn nuts, even though she thinks to make my breath stink. And I'll be back. See you later.

All right. Well, did you get the invite to Cheryl's wedding?

No, I hadn't heard of that. Oh. What's that?

Well, Dusty proposed. Dusty? Yeah, Dusty. All right.

I got to go.

I'm sorry,

Stan. I got

to

wasn't able. I didn't really know they had 90 degree PVC, so I put the toilets up too high. They ran up too high. I was supposed to 90 it off and put it on the floor.

Sir, can you stop screaming, okay?

Oh, sorry. You're just running my ear, okay? Sorry. I'm over here in aisle three. I'm trying to talk to Wayne, who's at the front desk.

Yeah, I know.

All right? Sorry. I'm over here with this band.

Who are you, man? It's me. No, it ain't. Yeah. It's me, Raymond.

Raymond?

Yeah. T. James. Raymond T. James.

Yeah. I thought you moved. Yeah, well, I did, but I had to come back. I had to move away for a little while, but I did move back.

Yeah. Yeah. And if you could this time. You ran your name in the

dirt around this town, and you dare to show your face? You better watch out. You're going to be in a duel.

You better watch out. Oh, and that's why I'm back. You know, whenever. No, you ain't. Yes. When my brother died in the duel a few weeks ago, I said, I may never come back to that town, but instead, I went, and I've actually been doing some target practice, and I'm ready to challenge.

Who's the current duel winner? What's that? Who's the current duel winner in town? Who shot your brother Mike to death?

Yeah. Yeah.

That was Alan.

Okay. He's a third grader. Well,

yeah. He's got one

of the best shots. Oh, Alan. Don't even if you win, you lose. Yeah. Well, I'm here. I'm here, and I'm buying. I'm actually buying. I'm buying materials to build a target. You practice. Yeah. I'm buying materials to build a target, so of course, I got these. You need

a big circle piece of

It's the exact

size. It ain't a circle. Huh? Two and a half feet tall

and 18 inches wide is an oval.

That ain't a damn circle.

It's semantic. Take it up there and tell Wayne he's got semi. My circles. He bumps in my circles instead of circles for target practice. What? Do you have any circle paper, or do you just have

the oval paper?

I called the company. They're shipping more circle paper right now. It's only by two oval papers. You put them together. That's one circle. That's Oz. That's

Oz with a stigmatism way.

That ain't circle. I called the

company. All right. There's nothing I can do right now. I think you need to rest your voice, Wayne. I agree.

Excuse

me,

me,

brother. Excuse me. Excuse me. All right. You need to get in here, sir? Yeah. Just trying to find the toilets. The toilets?

Yeah. Where's the toilets? There. You see the models on the back wall back there? No, no. The real toilets.

Oh, you've got to

use the restroom. You've got to use the bathroom? Uh -huh.

I don't know if there's a public bathroom in here. Will they

- Yeah, you can just go back there where they got the

- Wayne will

let you?

Yeah. Hang on. No, no. It's back there by the copper pipes. I can use them? To cut them yourself. I can use the private toilet? Yeah, you can go ahead in there.

All right.

Yeah.

Thank you, fellas. You're welcome. You're welcome. Can I make a confession? Please. I'm too late. Dang. I'm already too late. I was sitting here talking to y 'all about the toilets, and I can't - I'm already too late.

Well, I don't see no stain on the front of the back. What is it? Yeah, I don't smell no smell. Oh, thank God. Were you going in there to - What were you going in there to do? Use the bathroom or -

Yeah, number one, number two. Both? Yeah. Well, now I've got to discard this diaper. Damn. I wear a diaper.

Sir, you don't have to tell us all this.

You got it. You were in the aisle where I was looking for the toilet, and I have

you from here?

to - Are

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Where you live? Down on the way. Down by

the - The what? You live on the way? Down on the way. Far away. Nobody - Far away on the way. Yeah, nobody ever been down there. It's too far at the end of town.

Yeah, I don't go down far - the way far away.

It's way far away by the water in the dump. It's further than I've ever been down there.

Guys, I got to find a toilet. Excuse me.

Well, it sounds like you don't have to find a toilet. You need to find a trash can.

I need to find a trash can near the toilet.

At least you have a diaper on. That's

good. That's good. That is good. Good job. Thank you. That's what my nurse says. And is this a regular diaper? It's like one that - It's a Huggies. It's a Huggies. Wow,

you're a big man. As you can tell

- What? You're a big man for wearing diapers. Sorry, I was going to say I'm gathered around here. It's rare everybody gathers in aisle three. Everything all right?

Yeah, you

own this place.

Everything all right? Yeah, this is my place. Wayne, this guy from down the way, far away. Far

away. Entertained by the dumps. And the water. And the water. Oh, that's further than I've been in a

long time. I got bad news for you. You need to find a

trash can near the toilet. He's got a dirty Huggy.

He's

got a dirty Huggy. Oh, why

didn't you say so? Let me walk you into the changing room. Thank you. Thank you. You want adult changing or baby changing? Well, I'd like to be changed as an adult like a baby. Don't change him,

Wayne. Up on the table. It says full service.

This is

what they won't do at Walmart.

This is what they

won't do at

home. This is not

why Walmart is beating you, Wayne. Yes, it is. It's just because they got way lower prices and bigger selection. I just came from

Walmart. I was

men's butts. You say this now. Next time you mess yourself on the highway and you're driving by a Walmart or you're driving by my true value, you will be thankful that you know me and that I am still in business. Now, let's get you cleaned up, young man. Old, regular age man.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Hold on. Are you?

Hold on. Wait a second.

Wait a second. I knew he was alive.

I knew.

No, no,

fellas. No. This is.

You didn't die on the toilet. You're still out there shitting. Elvis. Elvis. He'll never use a toilet account. I'm still looking for the toilet,

honey. Elvis.

Honey, I'm still looking for the

toilet. You had a near death experience on the toilet, so you will not ever use one again. And you wear huggies.

That's exactly right.

Damn. It's a hunk of burning love.

Damn. Elvis in my store.

Now, fellas, fellas, fellas, I need you to be quiet about this. I can't have everybody knowing I'm Elvis and that I'm

alive and that I dumped in my pants.

No, no, no, no. Absolutely. No. Absolutely. Elvis, where have you been hiding? Where have you been? And have you been making more music? Please

tell us you're making more music.

Oh, a lot of us there. Tupac is there. Shakur. Really?

Shakur. Wow. Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Andy Kaufman. Andy Kaufman is there.

Kaufman.

Yep. And I'll tell you what, Epstein didn't kill himself.

What did he do?

Nothing. He's there. He's down

there. He's down by the end of town. Oh, I don't like him. Do you all hang out with

him? Yeah. All the American entertainment legends are there. I

don't know.

I don't know. I don't know where he told you or how much you're on the internet, but he's not an American legend. Wait, does you play music with him, Elvis? You haven't heard his music? Oh, no. Elvis, no. It's incredible.

Epstein, Andy Kaufman, Tupac, and Elvis are making music. Get down by the way.

In Georgia.

Elvis, what? I mean, I guess

I would. Wait, wait, wait. I need the restroom. What am I doing talking to you

about my life? It would be my honor to clean you up, Elvis. It would be my absolute honor.

And I hear your impression there. Thank

you, Mr. Clinton.

Hilarious.

Yeah, it's just something I've been working

on. Are you still doing Bill Clinton impersonations on the side, Wayne?

Yeah, here and there. You know, it's just a good way to drum up business.

You had obviously come from one when you were at the basketball game pretty

recently from an impersonation. I was still pretty powdered up. You flew in on a cardboard Air Force One into the gym. Woo! Woo!

What

if the plane said woo?

That made the news. That made the news. And it was pretty impressive. It did make the news.

Oh, my God. I'm so lightheaded.

Hey, Wayne.

I got the materials to make this target up at the cash register. Can I just leave some cash here? Or do you need to ring it up? I can't in good conscience let you make a target to kill a third grade boy.

I

don't need you to do it in good conscience, okay? It's not a big deal. Just do it. I won't do it in any conscience, all right? I'm surprised you'll even show your face in this town after what you did. What? It wasn't so bad. You ran over. You built a big float and ran over the homecoming floats. Yeah. You sleep in, Kate.

Grief will make

you do something. You created a Bigfoot float. Yeah. And you ran over the other floats a la monster truck.

Grief makes you do crazy things, okay? Truckasaurus tweeted he went too far. Gravedigger tweeted he went too far.

Well, if you guys knew all the bad stuff that those guys had done, you wouldn't think that I'm all that bad,

okay? Gling, gling, gling.

Little Kevin. Oh, my

God. It's the duo music. It's little Kevin. The kid that killed your adult brother.

Fantasy and you here at the hardware store, Kevin.

Well, well, well.

Elvis, do you mind if I wait to change this? Something's about to go down.

Yeah, no problem. I'm already fully,

fully

evacuated.

Pee you in here. Hey, don't insult

Elvis. I mean, my new friend E. Loviss.

Hello there. Funny of you to show your face in this town.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Yeah, that

was me swirling my gun and putting it back in its holster. Yeah, okay. We know, all right? He hasn't even made his target yet. I don't think he's ready to duel. I'll duel you right now. Really? Uh -huh. I will.

Right here in the store. Okay. We both got

guns. Wayne, block off aisle three. We're doing it. Oh,

three.

not aisle

That's an aisle we use a

lot. Oh, well. All

right,

right. Wait, wait. Before you start, I'm doing the end cap on three. I'm doing caulking guns. Please don't shoot me while I'm doing the caulking guns. We won't. Okay, because I'm at the end cap. So if it goes through the aisle and to the end, it might hit me.

all right, all

It just looks all

sloppy. I don't want to stop with the guns half cocked. That's true. Whoa!

Right past my ear. Shut it all up.

right,

All

It's funny of you to show your face around. You know, your monster truck float drove over my older cousin. She was Little Miss Sweet Onion.

Kevin.

And now she's a blooming onion.

It was so nice of out back. To make lemons out of

lemonade.

Or blooming onions out of

flat and

sweet onions, in

my opinion.

Now, outside of the local out back, you could go and peel his cousin.

Now I'm going to dip you in chipotle aioli and eat you.

All right, well. Diane, can we get some Piso Mojato signs on the aisle three? We're about to have a real wet floor.

Wait, is Diane working? Yeah. Oh. Did you lie to that old man? No, that was

Cheryl.

Oh.

Oh,

I

thought he was. Is Cheryl here? No, no. She's celebrating her wedding. Everyone in this town.

Cheryl

is hot as hell. She's not going to marry you, third grader. Yes, she will. I'm the best shot in this town. Pew, pew. Pew. I can fuck.

Oh, right in the caulking area. You're going to have to re -caulk

that. God damn. The guns fell. All right, Kevin. Well, you know the drill. Ten paces. We turn around. And we shoot. All right. You

call it.

Oh, my gun fell.

Shit. Hang on. That's not a

good shot.

Hold. All right. Elvis, would you mind counting them down from 10? You got it, mama.

Oh.

Woo.

A 10. Damn. Nine. Two.

Eight. Three.

Seven. Four. Six. Five. Five. Six. Four.

Seven.

A three. Eight.

A two. A one. A ten.

Oh. You killed the end, Kevin. He killed Kevin. Oh. You bastard. You got me. You killed the kid. The kids die.

Serves him

right.

And you shot

me in the shoulder.

No.

Elvis. Elvis.

Oh, the other guy. The other guy. Oh, is Elvis okay? Wait. Where's Elvis? Where's Elvis? Where's Elvis?

Look at him. He died.

On the toilet. That