The Chop House

There's a few things that separate the humans from the animals. Opposable thumbs. Access to pornography. Wi-Fi. But most importantly, killing a cow, cooking it, and serving it to somebody bloody. And then paying for that cow with a 20 % tip and eating a nice white and red mint afterwards. That's why we all go to the Chop House.

All right. Well, I'll just leave you guys with the menu. Water's on the way. Some bread's on the way as well. So just have a look at the menu. I'll be back with any questions or comments.

Can I just say? Oh, go ahead. We may have one more joining. They're a little behind us on the road.

And their phone died.

Okay.

So they may come, they may not. Yes. And real quick before you head off.

I mean, we love the bread here. Could we get all sticks?

Oh, yes.

The little sticks.

Oh,

you don't want the bread assortment? It's nice soft loaves and then also little sticks. Yeah. We're just wondering if we could just cut to the chase and get just sticks.

And

extra butter, please. For the sticks. Yeah. I'm going to dip the sticks

in the bread. Okay.

Yeah. I mean, that's true. That's no problem. We like to

go above and beyond. I'm not the chef, actually. I apologize. I'm actually just the host. Oh, we don't come to like white tablecloth often. So we're just trying to sort of play the

part. Oh, I understand. And that's why I'm here. I'm the host. I'm the... Thank you, host. I'm going to walk you through the whole process. So yeah, just...

Well, yeah. I'd love to sit down. I need you to shoot me my chair behind me and kind of knock the back of my knees to put me down. Okay. All right.

That's normally what they do. I think so. Okay. I guess stand back up then. Okay. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Okay. Awesome. I do

have some other tables to... Okay.

All right. Stand up.

Oh, cut his knees out pretty hard there.

Okay. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I'm very sorry. But I actually have some other tables I need to attend to. So if you guys can just...

Just one more thing. Okay. Just him. Hang on. Let me get my full stand. Okay. Screw you.

All right.

Oh, my God.

That was a nice tight tuck. Full rear ending. Very sorry. I didn't mean to go that

far. The airbag in the chair went off. Yeah. It was a nice tight tuck. And the airbag is really comfy.

Yeah. You know, we do. We like to prepare for all eventualities here. So we do have airbags in the chairs in case we've had cars crash through the front of the restaurant

before. No. We have, you know, we're close to the highway. You know, sometimes things happen. So... I mean, yeah. Ever since the pandemic, you know, cars were crashing into the outdoor little dining areas

because they were out there in the parking

spaces. And it's continued on.

Yeah. Even after the outdoor dining. It's gone further. There's no law on how slow you need to be going when you try to park. That's true. And some people try to park at 50 miles an hour and they don't quite make the stop and they slide right through all the tables.

We've been going into the city hall to try to get parking lots to have speed limits.

Uh -huh. Because people are really Daytona 500 -ing around here looking for a good

car. And it looks cool. Would you sign this petition just to make sure that people cannot go over 10 miles an hour into a parking spot? You know what? Even 10 is

fast.

You know what? Actually, I will

sign that petition. Great. Here we go.

Thank you, Skungio. Is

that how you

pronounce your name?

That is. It's Skungio. Yes. Yeah. I've

never heard that before. Is that the first or last? Because people

normally have their first name on

their lapel. Well, you know, there's actually someone else here who has my first name.

Oh, what is it?

Patchouli. Patchouli Skungio.

Wow.

There's two Patchouli's working in the same restaurant. What's his last name?

Or her or they. Or they. Scalopini. Patchouli Scalopini and Patchouli Skungio. Wow. This is

the chop house really. This is beautiful. This has already been a beautiful evening. Yeah. So, again, I have some other tables to take care of. So, if you guys could look at your menu, watch your menus.

Oh, they animate. Yeah. Oh, yeah. We spare

no expense. Again. And so, just keep an eye on your menu.

Keep

an eye on it.

Oh, they're so high -end. People have been swiping

them.

We have had a few. Because they're on iPads, as you can see. We've had a few of the menus get sort of. Don't. Please don't knock.

I didn't realize. It is an iPad. Yeah, that is an iPad. It slams right against the table strong. That's an iPad. Okay. Again. Mine's cracked all of a sudden. Okay. Well, I'll just

leave you guys here. Mine doesn't crack. Try again. Oh, you got to hit it on the corner.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, Skungio, we have two

menus

cracked

at your soonest convenience. Okay. Yeah. I will come back with two more menus.

bring

just

And

me a fresh one, too.

Please. Did you dump? What did you dump on this? Water.

All my water. Yeah, water. You can get

iPhones wet.

This is not

an iPhone. That's the thing. I think you thought it was a menu. Okay.

What is a menu?

That's why I dumped water on it. Okay. You know what? You guys just hang tight. I have to attend to some other tables. Thank you, Skungio. You're welcome. Thank you, Skungio. God, I'm

really excited for this. Yes. What do you guys think you're going to get? This menu is a little bit pricey, but a little interesting. I know. So many things are market price.

I can't help but be a little nervous. Should I have ridden with my son? His phone's dead. Right. He's way behind us now. I just feel I'm a little worried.

Well, I mean, you wanted to drive separate. You prefer to drive separate so you can leave.

Yeah.

And he gets to listen to whatever music he wants.

Think

about it that way. That's nice.

No, yeah. No, I don't think it. I think that there's obviously the good reasons I did it. Right. But he's just got his learner's permit.

Right. I think like. It is

illegal. But I think you're right. You're like, hey, it's a week away from you being 16. We've been doing this learning thing all year. Why don't you go alone this week?

It's just if City Hall finds out about this, I'm fucked on the speed limit into parking spaces

thing. Right.

They'll use that. And they've been. I think they've been bugging my phones. City Hall because of the parking.

We've been making such a stink at City Hall. I think I'm being followed.

Wow. Yes. I think I'm being bugged. Well, there is like a

Ethernet cable running from your phone into the bush.

Yeah, that's like a five pin fat Ethernet.

And that wasn't always there, right?

No. I was like, I don't remember installing this. I thought

it was like a dongle. I thought you were like using a dongle for cool. A long dongle. It's running into a bush that's rustling. The bush is rustling.

And there's some lights.

Well, the lights are going off now.

Yeah. And my dog is barking at the

bush

nonstop.

Your dog is pointing. And it's not a pointer. It's not a pointer. I've never seen a tail so straight.

It's up on the front left foot. And I

think he's saying something.

What is he saying? What is

he saying? Bugged.

He's saying bugged. He said the dog is speaking bugged and pointing its pointer.

I think he's sick. I don't know what's going on. But yeah.

Right. Now that we mentioned it, maybe there are people hiding in the bush. Yeah. Yeah.

Because I did. I was like, why is the bush all of a sudden throwing raw steaks out?

Right. Yes. Yeah.

maybe it's the. I think it's city hall. So anyway, I just.

Yeah. Yeah. I think

Nobody can find out. I let my son drive a week early.

No. Like if he

crashed or something like that, we've got a Chappaquiddick on our hands. We do.

a political

Yeah. It's

nightmare for me.

Yeah. All right. Here we go. I've got three

fresh. Scurgeo. Scurge.

Three fresh brisks. Scurgey. And a basket of just the breadsticks.

All right. Oh, no. These are breadsticks. We want those little poles. Those little crunchy poles.

You misunderstood

us, Julie.

These are like what Olive Garden serves.

Like bread knives. These are like pretty soft and buttery.

Most

people would love these.

Yeah. What exactly do you. I don't think.

They're really hard.

Have you ever eaten Gardetto's?

Yeah. Yeah. They're usually one of those in the Gardetto's. It's like the white long hard

thing you bite into. I don't know how to explain it. Are

you familiar with beef jerky? Yeah.

So with that, they take beef and then they dehydrate

it. Right. And then they make it into little jerky.

Yeah. Yeah.

That's what we're looking for. But with this bread, instead of being breadsticks, we want it to be little dehydrated pieces of bread jerky. Let me take a shot at explaining it. Are you familiar with concrete rebar? It's inside of concrete. It

helps it keep its shape. Yeah. It's like that, but bread. Yeah.

Yeah. You can also use this bread to build buildings. Yeah. One of our favorite buildings built with breadsticks.

That's right. Yeah. Okay. Until the big bad wolf got his hand on it.

Okay. Speaking of, is he here tonight? Is he going to be sitting at his table? The big bad wolf? Yeah. He's been roaming. He will not be here tonight

as far as I

know. He didn't make a reservation. Skunkio.

What?

Those two guys in the sunglasses over there are kind of looking over.

Uh -huh.

Are they regulars? Have you seen them here before?

No. This restaurant doesn't really have that many regulars. It's on the highway. It's kind of like a

pass through. One of them's got a kind of a pronounced

nose.

The one with the kind of big nose. Even snout, I would say. I'm a little worried that my dog is on a date with a guy who's been spying on me. The one with

the mayor sash. What? The one wearing the mayor sash. Yeah. Is that the mayor? Yeah. People that work at City Hall, maybe.

It very well could be. Listen, I'm actually.

I think my dog might be on a date with the mayor. And the mayor is milking my dog for information on some stuff I've been working

on. But can I just say, the mayor looks like he's in love.

It was a sting sort of like to get information. But the mayor is in love now.

This could be good for a parking thing. It's going to be complicated

for sure. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Skunkio. He can't have another. He can't have another scandal like this.

for the mayor

don't know if I want to be a part of this.

I

He's already got a whole litter at home.

You guys, I don't know if I want to be a part of this. I'm just your waiter

here. Skunkio, how's the ribeye? Patchouli, you're in.

Yes. And tell us what we should order.

Okay. Well, obviously, we're known for our chops.

You'll see there's a 13 ounce. Oh, chop

house. Yeah. There's a 13 ounce butterfly chop that's stuffed with Parmesan and potato. Is that good? I've never had butterfly before.

It's a method of preparation. It's not actually, you're not eating a butterfly. It's a pork chop.

Good. Because that was going to be not much food.

I

was like,

13 ounces of pure butterfly? That's a lot.

No, no,

no. Oh, my God.

It's a pork chop. Is this like truffle? No, it's a pork chop. It's a full pork chop that is butterflied,

cut down the middle, opened up and stuffed with, again, Parmesan potato and parsley.

Oh,

okay. Okay. Yeah. And that comes with a side of broccoli and a sort of pepper, pepper sauce.

Pepper, pepper. Well, it's black pepper and white pepper. It's

two different types of peppercorns. Okay. Yeah. I'm not crazy.

No.

I'm just a little distracted looking over here because I think the mayor is on a date with my dog.

They ordered the spaghetti.

I know what that means. Oh, my God. Romance. There's a big kiss coming.

Okay.

I'll take the

butterflies, I guess. Sorry, I was a little distracted. And

instead of the pepper, pepper, could I do a salt, salt sauce?

That's too much of a substitution, first of all. And also,

again. I don't come to these types of places that

often. I'm sorry. Read. Maybe if you read the description of the thing you're ordering, you'll realize what it is. Okay. I guess I'll have the

menu. Okay. Open it. Hang on. Hit the little button that says open. Oh, sorry. Yeah. I'll take the home screen, please. Okay.

I'm sorry. I did not understand that. Oh. We're being spied on.

Get out of here, Skungio. Skungio, take your family somewhere safe. Do you have a panic room, Skungio? Skungio, do

panic room? I mean, we have a walk -in freezer. What's going on here? You have a panic room. Your family is in danger, Skungio. Why is my family in danger? The whole Skungio family could be wiped

you have a

off the earth. We're being listened to here, Skungio.

Okay. I don't. Do you have any secrets? Is the Skungio family holding anything that would be in trouble? Because I think you might be. I'm not a part of this.

I don't know what you guys are wrapped up in. I don't know why you chose to stop here if you're in this dire of a circumstance. I'm just a waiter. I get paid $6 an hour.

Okay. That's an interesting little story. It's an airtight alibi.

Yeah.

Okay. I don't want to be a part of this. Okay. Could you give us

two minutes, Skungio?

Sure. And send a few more of those breadsticks.

This time. More of these? More

like the concrete. Or

perhaps like beef jerky, if that helps

for you. Okay. I will see what we have in the kitchen. Have you ever seen a drummer?

Seen a drummer? Yeah. Of course I have. You know the thing they hit the drums with? A stick.

That type of hard. Yeah. Okay. Great. Thank you, Skungio. Let me see what we have in the kitchen. I know Big Bad Wolf is not going to be here today. Is Little Drummer Boy going to be here?

Yeah. He's right over there.

Oh. Brum, bum, bum, bum.

Brum, bum, bum.

And a brum, bum, bum to you, sir.

Hello. Hello, Little Drummer Boy. Brum, bum, bum, bum. Brum, bum, bum, bum to you, too.

Skungio, when you come back with the burger toast, I

also, I just, I'm just going to put it in. I'm going to get a ribeye. Great. Crab Louie style. Okay.

But I want the crab, I want the crab live. Is that okay?

You want a living crab on your steak?

Yes. Yeah. Don't kill

a crab. I don't think we can do that for health code reasons, but I can talk to the chef and see what we can do. Okay. And can I get the two day rib? I

don't

think I want the prime rib.

That's like a 48 hour

roast. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, the roast is 48 hours. Not the aging.

I'm sorry. You guys, you

have

to order off the menu. You can't. Well, no, I don't. Oh, we're off. I don't like

Amazon. I guess

I'll do mine animal style, though.

Yeah. Let me get

the butterflies animal style. I want

human style.

I would love human style. Because the date over there is animal style.

Yeah. Skunga, you probably are. You're lucky you got a normal table like us.

You know, honestly, this is not that. But I appreciate what?

The mayor was like, I want to go on another date. I want to get back out there, but I want to date animal style. I bet. I'm sure. That's not an accidental choice. No. No.

Anyway. Especially with the snout on it. I don't like Amazon, so I'm not going to get the prime rib. I'm going to get a two day rib.

I don't care how long it takes.

I see. I see.

I see now. You see now?

It was.

can't do that. It's not very clear up top. No, I understand. We can't actually do that. Honestly, ground.

We

can't do that. Ground

We

You'd like a ground. Ground. I feel like there is a ground beef, like sort of hamburger steak. Ground beef. Yes. Yes. Great. It's like a hamburger steak with gravy, mashed potatoes, and green beans. USPS beef. Thank you.

rib.

I'll do the butterfly with the broccoli and the pepper pepper.

I don't want to

be rude. Great. And it's fine to put those in one plate together. I'll wait a little longer for that if it's better for the environment.

What? I'll wait an extra whatever day or two if it's better for the environment to just put the side in

there. Oh, I see what you're doing. I see what

anything. I'm ordering scumpy up. You actually have to click that option. Be careful because at checkout, it's like it kind of you could miss. I'll just use that

you're doing. I'm not doing

option. Make sure you click it. Oh, okay. So I'll select it on the menu.

Yeah. All right. Skungio, you've been so patient and so helpful. Thank you. I really think

it's your color family. At least tell them to lock the doors. You do not know.

I'm actually single. You do not know

who in this town.

Really? Yeah. I'm single. Patchouli Skungio. Patchouli Skungio.

I can't believe that. I'm floored. Yeah. I'm floored. How are you looking to date? Not animal style,

right? No human style. Okay. Good. Yeah. Human style if possible. Yeah. I'm open to anything though, but this is not, you are the people who I want to talk about. You know, I actually know somebody

that I think will be good for you, Skungio. You don't know me at all, sir. I just, I know someone. They just got out of a relationship. It's

perfect. They're looking, they're looking, looking, looking. Not your ex -wife. Yes.

I don't think I'm interested, sir. Thank you very much for the offer,

but I don't know. It's fresh. She's great. She's great.

I'm sure. And he really needs her out of his hair.

Yes. It's fresh and it's fraught. Oh

my gosh. Can we get some hard sticks in here for my friend? Please, I'm empty. And one dirty martini, please. Okay.

Great. Oh, he doesn't mean it how people normally mean it. I think I understand what he

It's dirty, dirty vodka soda. I'll do my dirty martini, but it's not what you think. It's vodka soda. I'll say that is not what I thought. It's vodka soda.

means.

Oh, and I think I'm getting close to knowing what I want. You've already ordered. I did? Didn't you? Can I return that for free?

Let's start over with you. Let me return that for free. I won't

even send it back. You'll

just give me the money

back.

Can you do free

returns real quick? If I don't like my steak, can I drop it off at a Whole Foods? You can. There's actually, and there's a return label

included

underneath the steak. Okay, cool. That's really

convenient, Skunkio. Thank you. Yeah, you're welcome. Thank you. And yeah, yeah. I think we'll start over with our order. Start

over? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, do we just, I mean, I'm fine with the USPS beef, but if you guys.

You know, can I just add something? I'll keep what I'm having, but I'd like to also add a wedge salad.

great.

Oh,

Awesome. Our wedge salad is really, really good. Is it? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah.

most popular items on the menu.

It's one of the

The wedge salad is.

Really?

I'm glad it's popular because there's not really that much funny about it. Do you know what I mean?

Right.

We'll see.

No, no,

no. We'll see. We'll

see. Yeah,

not yet. Not yet. Should we get anything else for the table

or stuffed mushroom? There are some shareables. Little sugar packets for the table to put underneath because it's a little wobbly.

Oh, I'd love that.

Yeah. So two sugar packets for the table.

Yeah,

we'll share those. We'll share. And a fourth leg for the table would be great.

Either a fourth

leg or like 10 ,000 sugar packets, whichever one you have in the back. Yeah. Okay. Wait, this table. Where did that leg go? This table had four legs.

I got

confused. Oh, my God.

What happened?

Well, there wasn't any proper breadsticks on the table, so I needed something just as crunchy. It's a little soft.

It's a little soft. Yeah, I think it's particle board type of material. I thought it was the actual wood. Well, folks, you can't eat the table. Okay. All right, folks.

We usually come

into fancier places, folk.

Okay. So we're learning.

Thank you for your help.

We're going to have to put that on your bill. Obviously, you're destroying our property.

Skungia, what is the one thing on the menu we cannot miss? Yeah. The one thing you can't miss, I would say it's probably the P .F. Chang's lettuce wraps. Really?

You

guys have those? We've already ordered a wedge salad, and we can get P .F. Chang's lettuce wraps.

And those are just the kind out of the freezer section kind of thing, or

is it? No,

they're from the P .F. Chang's next door.

Oh. Oh. I didn't even see that. I missed that. Yeah. Yeah.

That's a good strategy. Just build your restaurant right in front of the P .F. Chang's. That way nobody can see how to go in there. Now that I'm looking at the menu, a lot of the dishes are from P .F. Chang's.

Well, you will notice the sign at the front. It's really tiny.

Skungia.

P .F.

Oh. P .F. Skungia. P .F. Skungia.

I had no idea we were being

served by the P .F. Skungia. Yeah.

Patchouli freaking Skungia. I can't believe it.

Yeah. You know, a lot of people don't research the place that they're going on the highway. Totally. Patchouli freaking Skungia. Unbelievable stuff here. So you just.

Really unbelievable stuff

here. So you just kind of

redress P .F. Chang's

menu

items. I would hesitate to say redress. Some of them are sort of just like straight one to one. We'll put them on our branded plates. But we've got to deal with them. We send them our food.

Oh, it's. Oh, OK.

Oh, OK. And what's. What do you send them? Our breadsticks. Oh, OK. Yeah. Because people over there don't typically want breadsticks. But if they do, we'll send them some breadsticks.

Skungia, are you waiting on the mayor and my dog? Or is that the other patchouli? Is that patchouli Scalapini?

That's patchouli Scalapini section. OK. Could you just see what the vibe is from your friend with the salmon first name? Sure. Was it Scalapini Skungia? What was it? No, no, no. It was patchouli Scalapini.

Excuse me. I'm just so distracted because I don't know where my son is. I think.

Skungia, we have been trying to get the city to let people park slowly. And you don't know how fast some people in the city. I'm talking the mayor. I'm talking the comptroller. I

mean, this goes really deep. Coroner.

The coroner.

The coroner's slinging out bodies.

The coroner's one of the most reckless drivers in town.

Yes. I'm aware. Sometimes they'll have to pick up. I'm driving for one. I'm driving for one. Until he's in the damn carpool lane. And

then it's a little

convenient that he's got another body in the car.

It is. Yeah. I don't think they should be able to sit the body up in the front seat if just for convenience.

Absolutely not. What do you think about that, Skungia? And be careful with your political opinions here

because you're in deep. We're being recorded. I guarantee it. Well, I told you all earlier I'm single and I actually have no family.

Oh. We're getting

this on the iPad. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, wow. Okay. All those videos are uploaded directly to the restaurants cloud, by the way. So. Oh, boy. Yeah. Oh, boy.

All right. Well, my family was actually. Oh, God.

Oh, no. Is that it? Dad! No! No! You can't do this! I'm going too fast! Park slow like we talked!

I'm trying!

Oh!

I'm not fat! I'm

not fat! Let's just slow you down! Let's beat you up, man! Oh!

Thank God the breadsticks broke his fall. These awful soft breadsticks. They're

horrible, but they're good for something. Pillowy landing. Son!

Sadie? Yes, the dog is on a date with the man. Oh, and they just got to the end of their spaghetti. I'm ruined! This is Chappaquinic! Okay. I'm ruined! Can you stop screaming in the store, please? Skunkio! Let go of my head, sir. Skunkio, come here! Let go of my head. Skunkio, come here! I

can't. You're making a hard free to breathe. Sorry, Skunkio, this is fine. You were really driving, weren't you, Skunkio? No. You were

driving the car, weren't you? I don't have a driver's license. Skunkio was driving!

Skunkio crashed! Skunkio crashed! Oh, my God! And my son would never do that because his father is so involved in slow parking for the city and would be ruined! Exactly!

Which is a good idea, by the way. I don't know if everybody's been hearing that, especially over there. Mayor! Mayor! It's great to go slow!

You suck!

Rump -pum

-pum!

Quiet! I'm trying to enjoy my orange chicken!

The little drummer boy got P .F. Chang's orange chicken at the chop house. Shh! It looks like the little drummer boy is finally becoming a big drummer man. He's being so tough. Ah!

I'm on my growing pains! He's turning

into Lars Ulrich! Doom! Doom!

Doom!

can't do

I

play! Doom! Anymore! No! Now you have absolutely no gift to give. You can't even play the drums. The big drummer man.

Fuck! Skunkio! Bring us our food! You gotta salvage something!

Skunkio,

wrap this up! I've been smushed into this wrecked car.

I can't get out. We're here at Patchouli friggin' Skunkio's. Skunkio has crashed into it. Everyone saw it happen. I am an eyewitness. Skunkio tried to park fast and crashed

into it. It was Skunkio. It wasn't your son. Okay. Is this Martha? I have you bugged. You're bugged! God

damn it, Martha! I knew it! The bush starts shaking like crazy.

Oh, what's so funny? Are you laughing at me

in there?

We had you bugs!

God damn it!