Back Store

Whether you're sitting behind the big old wheel of your Mack truck or riding your horse from here to Tuscaloosa, you're bound to get a little back pain. Cowboy boots are meant to hold a man's feet, but they ain't too friendly to old Dr. Scholl. That's why you gotta make a trip to the back store.

Oh, thank God. My back is killing me. I've been three hours right now. No stops. I started with a backache today on the road trip. So is that

somebody coming? A little bamboo wall there. There's a man. There's a

man back there. There's a man on the other side. Keep going. Yeah, I just.

So you have Mack issues. You're on a road trip.

Yeah,

yeah. It's kind of. Well, yeah, this is a. So this is the back. Fuck.

Whoa, that's. I didn't realize there's no bamboo wall over there, too. Yeah. Man behind that.

So this is the back and forth. So we fix your back.

Okay. So you can go forth. Oh, good. So what you could do is obviously some people are getting services in here or trying out some of our products or we have. Yeah, I can see their feet kind of like coming out of the bamboo wall. Is that. Oh, no. Wow.

That. Oh, no. Is a little.

Because I'm not hearing. I've seen these chiropractic videos on Tic Tac. And it's usually, you know, you hear like an initial reaction and then like, who feels good a little bit later. But I'm just hearing pain.

I do want

to. I do want to. Permanent. I do

want to speak to your point. Now you heard that, right? I'm going to speak to your point. Yeah, I did. He said permanent.

I think he's talking about the hurt. The hurt that somebody just called him. Could be.

I do want to speak to your point. And I don't want to get distracted. So I'm just going to save for later that you did say Tic Tac instead of Tic Tac.

I did. Which is an interesting app. But I do want to focus on the thing happening right now. Well, it has its companion app, Toe. But I've only so far gotten

Tic Tac.

Toe's interesting. But yeah. Look, you know, different people experience their services in different way. Just like to be crude. We all have different orgasm sounds and faces.

Right. Right.

Oh, yeah. Okay. That was better.

But.

Maybe. Maybe.

So you're saying that could have been negative as well.

We don't know. And we can't know. What I know is that you're having back trouble.

And we want to fix it. I feel like you can know. You can know. How do you mean? Well, you just turned your head so far to the side. I feel like you're going to need an adjustment.

I'm actually fine. Because I use so many of the products and services here.

Oh, yeah. That's so bad.

Okay. That was mixed. That was mixed.

You can never know. Yeah.

No, you can. You can. I feel like you can. You feel like I would like to. See this conversation we're having?

How relaxed I am? Yeah. It's because my back's relaxed. You are so

intent. I am a little tight. And tight on catching me. And if these people are being orgasmed or injured. I'm sorry. Catch you. I'm not. Nothing. Now, let's just go. Maybe we can. Maybe I can just get your entry package here. Because I am. I can't. I don't think I'm

going to be by here. So you do want to get a service. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. I think so. There is lumbar support that we can get for your whatever you drive. I'm guessing jalopy.

What is that again? Is that like a bad shit car? What is that? Yeah. Yeah. You know. It's a clunker. No, I don't drive. Why? You held up your hands as if you were a

director with the two L's. You said jalopy. Sorry. I misread you there. That's my mistake. But we can get you

lumbar for your. No, I drive a Camry.

What year? 2015 Camry. Okay. Yeah. And it's actually fine. It only has like 60 ,000 miles on it. And I get it serviced regularly. So it's a nice car. Well, that's my mistake. I apologize. We can get you lumbar support for your 2015

Camry. Yes. Or we. Yeah. We can go in and do a service. Whatever you prefer. I think I'll just. I feel like I have the. This lumbar support in the seat. Pumped up as high as it'll go. And it's getting a good. You know, curve on my back.

I think just based on the way you're walking. It may be bumped up a little

too far. Are you saying I have a little bit of an unnatural curve?

Your pelvis is like kind of pressed forward in your back. You're saying I look like an ostrich.

That's a great way. Because they didn't call me ostrich in high school. So this has been a long time for me.

I'm sorry to hear that. They called me camel.

Really?

Is that because you have two huge humps on your back? That look like they're holding water? Could be a lot of reasons. We can't know. No, I think

we can't. We can't know. I think we can know by the big humps. And the huge bottom lip that's chewing on cracks. Well,

which one is it? That's why I say we can't

know. It's both working together to make you look exactly like a camel. I am so sorry. Excuse me. You didn't catch me during my lunch break. You should put the food inside, like behind the teeth. Not in the front lip. Like a

back grass. See how this is? I eat my grass the way I want to. And you come in and you try to control

my grass. Why did you

say

my grass? We don't eat grass.

eat

You don't

grass. I'm sorry.

I meant we have to humans. You know what? I feel like I am pretty. I

came in a little hot. It's back related. This happens all the time. You wouldn't believe how angry people are when they come in here because of their back problems. I

deal with it all the time. That's why I'm able to. Okay. Okay. Is that. Was that. That's that guy again.

That's one of the guys. One of the guys.

Yeah. Are there people back there working on them or are they just lying there screaming? Like is there. Do you have associates? We can't know. There

are associates for sure. Okay. So there are. We can't know when there are. I don't know what part of their process they're in.

Okay. He might just be laying there screaming right now because a lot of times once the back starts realigning that can give you feelings. Right. Okay. Do

you want me to check

with him? Would that make you feel better? Check with who? The person? Yes.

Yes. That just screamed. Okay. Mr. Barker.

Hi.

Hi. How are you?

I'm doing okay. I'm just having some feelings.

How are they? Are they okay? Do you need anything?

Well, my back is feeling better.

Good.

But I am finding it's releasing some trauma from zero to two years old that I had.

Zero to two? Yes. That'll happen. Would you like to speak about it or just feel it?

Well, sure. My father was a placeholder for NFL football and he

made a mistake.

And I accidentally got, well, I got kicked through the uprights. And it was good. It was good. That's a big

trauma. It's not all negative. Mr. Barker. Yeah. Yeah. The body really keeps the score. The mistake was. I shouldn't have been held like a football for the kicker.

They hiked you. So it wasn't really your father's fault when you think about it. It was the center, maybe. Why are you on his side?

I mean, the placeholder doesn't know what's being hiked to him. He was just doing his job. I'm sorry.

You're right. You're right. You're so right. I've been blaming my dad for all these years, but really it's his stupid friend. And

it was good?

It was good. I was good. I

was a beautiful field goal. Well, I can see how that would lead to some back pain. I hate to butt in, but were you just used for that one play?

Unfortunately, no. I was used for most of the 1986 Super Bowl. And it was not

realized because,

as you could guess, my family was such enthusiasts, I was painted as a football.

Oh, no. And

Joe Montana spiked me. Oh,

they were

celebrating.

Oh, okay. So he's just screaming.

So it's emotional, man.

Sorry, yes, it's

emotional. But because of the back release, it's really, I'm able to be in touch with those feelings for the first time in a long time. I'm so happy to hear that, Mr. Barker, because it sounds like you probably weren't crying from zero to two, because otherwise they would have known it was a baby, not a ball.

And now you're letting out some of the noises you should have been allowed to let out as a child.

Right.

That's beautiful. That's exactly what I feel.

Do you want to, since he hasn't been working on, worked on, would you want to do one of your realignments for him? And I could maybe just like

watch. I'm happy to be a guinea pig. Would you mind if this gentleman watched you take an alignment for me? Not at all. He's already heard me. Okay, great. Do you want me to take off

this saddle you have on?

Yeah, I'll go bareback onto you. That's probably the way to do it. Yeah, that's what I prefer. All right, great. Thank you for that. It's hard for me to reach. Okay, so now I'll take these two very tall walking sticks and stand on his back. And these will kind of hold me up. All right. And now I'll walk forward slowly from toe to no. Parentheses S -E. Toe to

nose.

Okay,

okay.

The nose is good. You

can

get off the nose.

Okay. Gentler on the nose or

totally off? Totally off the nose. It's cracked.

It's flat. You flattened my nose. That's good. That's good. Backing right up.

No, I think we can know and we know that that's not good.

Sir.

Yes.

You just still walked onto his nose and broke it and flattened it into his face.

I'm going to get off of you. Yeah. Okay. Do you want me to get off of you?

That actually did feel

good. You wouldn't walk onto the set, thank you, of a Steven Spielberg movie.

Okay, here we go with the director. The dailies. That's not it. That's not. You have a camera that's just open on top.

You wouldn't watch the dailies and say this is a bad film. You'd wait until he cuts them together, picks his favorite takes, adds sound, adds Foley, adds color correct.

You guys do some Foley in here too, right? Some of what you've been hearing has been Foley. What?

Well, I'd like you to meet our Foley artist right behind this bamboo. You saw their feet earlier. Oh, and it sounds like they're on a horse. Wow.

Okay, that is good. I don't think you're supposed to do those parts. Okay, maybe you are. I don't know that much. Listen, so what has been Foley?

I just do atmosphere for this store. People want to come in here and they want to know that things are getting done in here. And so I

was hired. So you do horse gallops in this store that doesn't have a horse? Depends. The horse was just me showing off.

Oh, okay.

I don't do that. So you haven't been doing any, you haven't been piping in any background noise so far

other than screams. Did you do those screams? The screams were me.

The screams back there behind the thing were

you?

Okay. Yeah. And that's why we can never really know. You know,

Yeah, those were me.

you know, excuse me. Don't. Stop it.

Yeah, that'll play.

No, it's

Yeah, that'll

not.

play. Play on what?

He flicked my nose and said, boy,

that'll play. Thank you so much, Mick.

Of course. Is the check in the mail or what's going on?

The check is in the mail, Mick.

Okay, cool. How long have you been

waiting on the check? Three years. It's not

in the

mail. You don't get paid like bi -weekly. You should be waiting on

multiple checks. I get paid tri -yearly. Which we had an argument about. It's once every three years, not three times a year. We had an argument about that because it's in the contract. It's in the wording.

Listen, man. I don't think. I would possibly say, Steven Spielberg, you've smashed a person's nose in this take. I don't think that should make it to camera. Like, you should use a prosthetic nose or whatever. Like, I think this man's hurt. And he's obviously traumatized. From zero to two, he was kicked around in a football game.

Oh, yeah.

You can't reopen it once the service

has ended. He knows. He knows. Oh, the body.

I shouldn't have let you back here.

And I want...

Also, why is it from toe to no, parentheses, Essie? Like, you don't need to rhyme.

You remembered it. Yeah. And you'll be thinking about it on the way

home. No, no, you gotta let him go toe to nose on you.

is good. I don't want toe to nose. And I will

It

say, I did pitch before. You could just say toes to nose. Oh, yeah. It could have rhymed perfectly if you just made toes plural.

Then I would have to use at least two toes. I go from one

toe

to no, Essie.

Listen, why don't

I... Yes. What can I do for you? We're not starting over.

You're not starting anew.

Okay?

All of your weirdness is stays. Okay?

I'm taking... Running in front of you to wipe? No. Don't wipe the scene like you're doing an improv show. Okay?

This is not an improv show. You can't

start

anew. All right? Fair. That's fair. So what kind of... You know what I like to do? We learned a little bit about Mr. Barker over here. Yes. I'd like to learn a little bit about you to help your back problems. So

let's... Okay. Well, obviously, you've heard a little bit about my high school trauma. You know, I have a curve to my back.

That's right. So kids call me the ostrich. Didn't help that my legs were usually pasty white with big, thick,

small hairs

coming out of it. You know, sparsely spaced. I'm taking this all down. I'm just underlining the ostrich. Because before, you just said ostrich. So it's interesting that you were the ostrich in the school.

Yeah. There were multiple ostriches. Yeah. There were a lot of kids with like, you know, pretty curved back. But I was the main one. So here comes the ostrich.

I will say, just looking at you, your head is directly over your pelvis. Yep. But there's nothing in between it. Your rib cage is far out in front of your body. And then your head is almost like three inches above your pelvis. Thank you, Mr. Barker. Okay. Question mark. This is so rude.

Okay. What? Obviously,

I am severely curved. Yeah. Okay. Same. We agree. Yes. We agree that I'm curved.

Not that you are

also

Right. Right.

curved.

Yes. So I just don't think you need to point it out. So obviously, I've had some back issues. I don't need to be straightened out. That'll break my back. I've lived like this a long time. I just need a slight. I know. Okay.

I guess. He's as good as a doctor. He is just as good as a doctor.

I know. And that's what that plaque says behind. That's as good as a doctor.

As

good of a doctor, indeed. As good of a doctor. Okay. I got to go back to that

print shop. Yeah. Because I said as. Well, no. You have to reformat it before you send it to the print shop. They didn't make the spelling mistake. They just print what you send them. Listen. I'll go back.

I don't think I'm going to. I think I'm good. I'm going to go back to my car and continue on to Destin. Okay. And be. I don't think this is going to be right for me.

Great. So it'll just be 45 for the consult.

No. No. No. What do you mean?

That we weren't consulting. I just gave you 10 -ish minutes of my time here to consult with you. Oh, one. I could have been dealing with Mr. Barker. I could have been figuring out what was happening with Mick, the Foley

artist's

check. Mick Foley, by the way. Mick Foley. He's making. He does Foley. Yeah. You're.

You're.

Shake my hand. Don't make a fake

handshake.

I've never heard

something. I close my

eyes and I know two men are shaking

hands right there. Erry, erry, erry with a stiff hand.

That's not it. Whoa. They're still shaking

hands. No,

we're not. I was making his sound.

Listen. I'm going to go. Okay. I don't want to.

Don't go, man. Don't go. No.

Thanks. Why? You're bleeding and your nose is crushed. But I feel so much better.

And the emotional stuff. I think you're really keyed up because you've got an ostrich back and you're in a lot of pain. That's

it is. You know what? Take my chair. My chair has been working wonders on me. It's the perfect way to sit to get your neck and back cracked or go toe to no. It's the MyPillow guy makes a chair. So if you get in this chair, I'll go toe to no. I'll crack you up. You know what? And if you don't feel better, I guarantee you. I

what

guarantee you. Get off your knees. Please. Get off your knees. I'll do

it. This is how he got me. Get off your knees. I mean, the begging would have worked with a little more sound.

What is it? Please, please. That's an angel coming down, not begging.

That's God? No. God is here? No, you're hurt because you've been kicked around

a lot.

God's not here.

God doesn't exist. What? Sorry to get all Gervais. Sorry to get too Gervais.

I thought you were funny. I know. I know.

That is a funny

observation. I know. People who believe in him are stupid. This is hilarious. I know. I know. I tour. Oh, you're drinking your little Fosters. Yeah, I'm going to bring out a beer on stage.

It's an oversized Fosters. It's a little big. It takes up the whole stool. Could you do?

Look at that

sip. Wow. I really

believe that. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Is that a guy that just sift

a

beer in the middle of a

stand -up set?

I believe it. I believe it.

My stomach was ding, ding,

ding because it was getting alcohol.

ding,

hear all the liquid going back and forth through your crazy

Well, I could

body. Why don't you fix? No, it's okay. I'm okay with it now.

Wow. A breakthrough. Big breakthrough. Something about me is broken through. Could you fix my back?

Yes. Just fix my back right here, right now. Yes, yes.

Okay. You know what? I'm going to get in the chair.

Okay. Have a seat.

All right. Okay. I'm ready.

I'm putting all my trust in you. I can't tell if you're sex. I didn't hear you sit down. Yeah. Clunk. Okay, good.

He's

down. All right. Are you sitting right now?

Yes. Because

I can see your... Okay, okay.

I just couldn't tell what part of you was touching. I know. A lot of people, when I sit, it looks like I'm not sitting. I'm just kind of hovering above the chair, but I promise

my front of my pelvis is sitting down because my butt faces straight up into the air.

look as if... That's exactly what I

I

thought was going on. You know what I mean? I look as if I'm being carried by the scent of an apple pie on a window seat.

Exactly. You know what I mean?

It's just kind of like that. You're being

carried by your belt loop. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

All right. Get me straight, Doc. All right. So we'll start with your neck here. Or as good as a doc.

Thank you. Thank you for saying what I said and not with the plaques. Yes, exactly. All right.

All

right. All right. So I'll start with your neck. Yep. You're going to put the stilt. I know. All right. Pre

-stilt real quick here. It's just hand. Okay. And I'm moving down to your back. Mm -hmm.

Pussy.

Yes. I don't.

And now it's

your crack. What?

No.

Don't do the Kia song. My neck, my pussy, my back, my crack. Whatever it is.

Okay. Okay. Just a little humor for

you. But I guess you didn't want it. That is funny. I'm funny too.

So

I can tell by the way your shirt is too tight for your body.

I can tell.

I get it.

So all right. You don't want that. So let me get it. Funny people do always have shirts too small.

If you're wearing a shirt that fits, you ain't funny.

All right.

All right. All right. Let me just spit out this grass real quick. Right in the back of my neck.

Sorry. Sorry. Get that shit off the back of my

neck. No, that's

good. That's good? It's helping. Oh, that's

sort of the

lubricant.

Thank

you, Mr. Barker.

You're welcome. I'm feeling loose as a beast.

All right. Let me just get up on these stilts.

Hey, before this happens,

let me tell you,

don't forget to scream.

It feels a lot better. I'm not going to like manufacture anything, but if it hurts, I'll scream.

Of course. Just don't hold it in.

Right.

I accidentally held it in once and I ruined one of the chairs.

Okay. Okay. I think you're talking about shitting there. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Nice. So you're going to put stilts on my toes. Yeah. Oh,

my God.

need to correct me real quick. Your toe. You're putting

You

all your weight on two stilts onto one of my smaller toes. It's good, isn't it? It

hurts so good. I'm sorry. I can't really see you down there. I just have to get this football out of the way.

It's good. It's good.

It's good. It's good. It's good.