Roadside Lingerie Store

Being out on the highway makes you gain a few pounds, feel a little out of shape, and just feel genuinely unlovable. It's important to feel sexy sometimes. And nothing will get you there quicker than a little lingerie.

All right, everyone. So before we get out on the floor for today, I just wanted to open up, you know, the floor here. If anybody had any questions or concerns, I know we've been open for one week. We've done pretty good. And I feel like I just want to see how people are feeling about the sales technique. Are you liking, you know, making money per item? Would you rather go back to a sort of an hourly rage? Not an hourly rage. That's very, no. That's funny. Well,

yeah. How are you feeling, Josh? If I can chime in,

I was definitely worried about doing commission work at a roadside lingerie store.

But it turns out everyone that's coming in is definitely buying.

Nobody's really perusing here. Like, if they stopped, they definitely want something. I've noticed. There's a few curious customers.

But I was worried. But people are coming in, and they're wanting lots of items. Yes.

So I've had, obviously, no trouble myself. I'm also surprised at how easy the sales have been. I thought

people would come in and look and all that stuff. But

they come in fast. They know what they want. They seem like they're in a big hurry to get their

lingerie on the road. So I'm surprised. I've had a few people just come up to me when I ask them if they need any help. They say, shut up, shut up, shut up. I need these ones. Right. And it seems like people are actually in and out. It almost feels like they're embarrassed to be in here. Like, they're coming in.

Yeah, the door chimes, and then it chimes quickly

as people exit.

You all open?

Oh,

yes. You all open. Absolutely. Well, we're not quite yet. But if you want to come in and browse, we're going to open up the register. Either way, I'll happily pace back and forth right in front of the

store. Or I can come in and browse. I don't want to make you work off the clock. Why don't you browse? Browse braziers, if you

want. Browse braziers. I'll browse the bras. And, sir, I don't want to make any assumptions. But the men's section is right over there in that little corner.

Thank you. And the doggy section?

In the same corner.

Great. Great, great. That'll look beautiful on your dog. You think so?

I do think so. Yeah, it's a little bit. I will say it's one of our more covering items, you know?

Well, I have a bulldog, and she's become a little self -conscious about her body, an English bulldog. And I just think if I get her this, it'll give her a little bit of the confidence that she knows that it doesn't matter what your form is, you're beautiful for who you are.

That'll be beautiful. Let me guess. You take her to the dog park, none of the dogs are interested?

At all. And

it's confidence, in my opinion, because she's just got a beautiful soul. Right. And you're taking your dog to the dog park, you wanted

to have sex there? I want it to be an option, for sure. I want it to be an option, just like any time anybody goes out, you want sex to be on the table.

Of course. Of course, that's why we all dress in our products while we work. As you know, as you can see, you can see what some of the items look like. We have sort of walking mannequins, is what we like to

call it. The people in the store actually serve as the mannequin as well. Yeah. We're all men wearing those silk boxers that are very loose. And there's a tight waistband, but they really billow out and they're loose.

And they're really shiny, even if there isn't a light on in the room.

Even if there's no light in the room, you can see these silk boxers. Scientists study them because they create light.

You

don't got to tell me I use men's silk boxers for my bright lights at

night when I'm

Yes. Yes. That's interesting, especially for a gentleman like myself who's making a lot of stink. It's good to know that. I'm so glad that you're reclaiming that.

So many men are upset. They're upset that they smell bad. But I've been for years saying that stink is a commodity. Men and their stink, we need to be sort of owning it and holding it and being... Ching -ling -ling. Oh, so...

I'll take this one large. Please. Thank you.

Ready to roll. Thanks. Thanks. Whoa. Okay. He just left his

credit card on the counter. All right. Bye.

Oh, you got it!

Wow. Okay. Jeez. Okay. So, was he embarrassed?

I'm not 100 % sure

his honey was here. Can I tell you what I see happen all the time amongst friends in my own relationships? Is you're ready to make love, but you don't have a middle ground between fully clothed and fully naked. So, you need something sexy to massage

your way into the next level of lovemaking. I think that's probably what he had going on there. Yes. Yes. So, you think he was going to make love to his

partner. And they weren't comfortable going from full clothed to full nude. They needed a

middle ground. An intermediate.

Yes. Yeah. A lot of people say that about lingerie. It is sort of that middle ground between being clothed and being

naked. It is. It's the real compromise of clothing.

It's two sides, naked and clothed, coming together for a handshake.

I love that. Yes.

Well, I think I'll take what you guys are wearing, but for dog. So, the silk boxers. And would you like, as we said, stink is a commodity. Would you

like to invest in a few shares of stink? I actually wasn't sold on that at all.

Are you sure? Stink is on the rise. It always is. I wasn't sure about

it either. Six months ago, I had almost no stink. I bought a couple shares of stink, and now I'm the smelliest guy in my neighborhood. I believe that. Here's the thing. If you don't invest in stink, inflation will outrun it.

So, you must stink. You must stink.

I just don't understand stuff like this at all.

Do you like crypto? Because stink is the same as crypto. You can both mine your own stink and invest in other people's stink.

Interesting. Yeah, I think just the boxers one more time.

yeah, I appreciate the sell and what you guys are looking for. Okay, no problem. You're going to be poor. I

Okay. And

just don't really take my stink advice from, no offense. That's okay, yeah. Three lingerie salesmen on the side of the thing. Well, who do you take your stink advice from?

Nobody, or if I need information,

you know, I'll Google it. Wow,

interesting.

Okay, well, if you want to just leave your credit card on the table and run out, we'd be happy to exist. And

we'll, of course, mail it back to you after we

process

the check. Wonderful. I actually, I use the Apple Pay, so I'll leave my whole phone and just feel

free to tap that and mail it to me when you're done with it. Great, great. Actually, it looks like you have a text message here. Did you want to check it before you left it?

Oh, no, because then I'll have to respond. And it's, well, let me actually, I'll check it real quick.

Jing -a -ling -a -ling.

Oh.

Hello. Welcome in. Hey, how you doing? Good. So we got women's right there and men's and dogs over there in the corner.

Okay, great. I'll be checking out the women's. Thank you.

It's for my lady. Of course. As you know, Valentine's Day is in six months, and I just want to be ready. Great.

Good. Well, yeah, let us know if you need anything. We're just finishing up with this gentleman here. Yeah, cool.

He had just received a text message. I don't know if he wanted to read it or anything, but do you want to sell us what it is, or do you want to just keep that to yourself?

You seem distraught. I'll tell you guys. Yes. My favorite TV show just got canceled.

No. Wow. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. Who texted you that?

The woman I watch it with. My wife. Your wife. No. What? But just for your

context, what you needed to know is that she's the woman I watch. Well, I did notice the text message. It came up as the woman I watch things with was the contact.

Yeah.

That's cute. That is cute. And she's not crazy about it, but some cute bits you don't have to both like.

Okay. And do you want to tell us what show it is or no? The TV show. You want to keep it to yourself or no? I'll tell you. Okay. The Simpsons. No. Really? They canceled The Simpsons? Why?

I feel like that's just print money. Just keep going with it, right?

Homer got canceled. Within. Wait.

The actor who plays him or Homer himself?

No.

canceled. Yeah.

Homer got

Yeah. In The

Simpsons, Homer got canceled. Oh, my God.

No. And so I guess they have to cancel the show because now Homer is kind of persona non grata. You can't put him in stuff. Right. He's going to have all the wrong kinds of

fans and stuff like that. Can't they just replace him with a different voice?

No.

Homer

got canceled. Dan Castellaneta, who plays Homer, is a very sweet man. I think it

really has done anything. So they're just going to draw a different man that kind of looks like Homer?

I think they canceled The Simpsons.

You're right. You're right. You're right.

You're right. Because Homer... I really just want this show to keep going with another character. We're using it canceled in two different ways. Homer did a bad

thing in the world of The Simpsons.

And now they can't follow that character anymore because of...

Can they keep the house? Can they just keep the house?

Yeah. What if they sell the house? I know that you would be printing money if you could keep the property alive. But I

think

Homer did something that just is... You don't want that on The Simpsons. It was serious enough that they got to get rid of the house. They got to get rid of

it all. Maybe you could build something around a character who hated Homer. What about Marge? She's part of the whole thing.

Oh, no.

Yeah. No. Marge was involved? She was involved.

Was it like a college scam or something?

Look, I could... I'll text the woman I watched the show with.

You're right. Which

is correct. Hey, I'm sorry to bother you guys.

Yeah. Is this coming a Z cup?

Oh, I don't think that's a thing. I think it's...

Oh, yeah. No, you can get a Z cup. You can get a Z cup. It's the biggest cup they make. Do

we...

Right,

but those are boxer shorts.

Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But, you know, but like a Z cup for

the... I don't think boxers even at all come with dick sizes for the hog.

All right. Well, I guess I'm in the wrong place.

You might be. I mean, we could do something special for you. I mean, I'm seeing your bulge there. It's big.

Yeah. Do you make... Do you need custom drawers? That's exactly what I'm looking for.

We

do need custom drawers. Okay. We have custom drawers if you want. Yeah, maybe you could take a Z cup off of one of the ladies lingerie.

Once again, that's not a thing. Really? We can, like, measure you for your personal

customized drawers. You know, that's... I knew it. I knew that wasn't a thing. This woman I've been dating, she was bragging the other

night. Is it your wife?

This woman I've been dating? Yeah.

You guys got to call her your wife or simply by her name.

Well, we've been dating for a long, long

time. Right. And you're married? The third part of our relationship is dating.

Okay.

I agree with you.

Sir, I feel like you're lampooning a healthy relationship. You cannot stop dating. Okay. Because it's what keeps the relationship spicy. Right, right, right, right, right. Speaking of spicy, I do need a Z cup for my penis. Right, right. That is a

spicy sentence, and that's okay. You don't have to feel

ashamed. Thank you. I appreciate it. I figure we're in the right place. I mean, it's a

roadside lingerie stand. Well, let us finish up with this man real quick, and then I'd be happy to measure you. We'll get you

up on the stand back there. If you want to look through that catalog right there, that's where all of our custom drawers are.

You can kind of sort of see materials, shapes, sizes, waistbands. Different waistbands. Yes, yes. Jinx.

request a

I

hand -free measure? He has to be quiet

now. No, un -jinx or however you get rid of it. Thank you.

Oh, my gosh. I thought I was going to have to shut up.

Well, yeah. So, yeah. We were happy to mail you your phone back. And do you want to -

I think I'm going to need to keep the phone. My woman that I watch The Simpsons with and I are really grieving together

about this. Okay. Well, would you like us to pack up this lingerie in a discreet box? Just so you don't - I know it's a discreet thing. No, let's do broad. Okay. Broad. Broad, clear, showcase it.

Yeah. It has a little song. I'd like people to ask questions. Okay, okay. Oh, a song. Yeah, it has a little song that goes, this is my lingerie. This is my life's lingerie. I bought my wife some lingerie. I'm headed home to use it. That's a beautiful song.

We can also do one that's specific to what you purchased, which was boxers for your dog. Oh, right. Right. That would be the wrong song. We'd have to re -record real quick. But it's - I'm a

musician, so I could do it in a heartbeat. Great.

Two, three, four. These are the boxers for my dog. I want to see them on. These are the boxers for my dog. Silky and bright.

Can you back off the mic just a little bit? You're just coming in a little hot.

These are my boxers for my dog. These are my boxers for my dog. Wait, I forgot my words. Wait, these are the boxers

for my dog. They are still - They make them look sexy and they're bright. Yep. Oh, you can use them. Do you want it clean? No. Do you want the song clean?

No,

this is great. Okay, good, great, great.

Yeah. I'm actually out of tape, it looks like.

No, no. We got plenty of

tape. We got plenty of tape here. The man with the huge penis says we got

plenty of

He stepped behind here and kind of running the booth, which I appreciate because we don't really

tape.

know that. Oh, yeah. I'm an audio engineer. Well,

I was 10 years ago. Oh,

nice. Oh, okay. You never lose it.

What happened? Were you

canceled? I stopped. I stopped. I didn't like it.

Oh,

Yes. What? Yes.

I have signed so many petitions. The way he falls asleep at the nuclear plant.

Right. Unsafe.

Oh,

true. Not a good example. It's actually really true. Oh, yeah. Totally. I disagree with you. I respectfully disagree, and I think we can have good disagreements in the same

age. That's fine. I think that Homer. What are you wearing there, buddy? An A cup?

We don't need to make it about

this. You're wearing an A cup. I didn't even know there were cups for penises until I saw you coming in. But

we have customized drawers if you want them.

If there were, you'd be wearing an A cup.

Well, we are actually doing buy one drawer, get one drawer free. So if you want two, we could just actually make you one, and

he can take yours. Yeah, can you go in on it with a stranger? Yeah, we

up half. I have cash. Do you have cash? Let me check.

can just put

That's a lot of coins.

I have

coin. You have coin.

I have coin.

Do you guys take coin? Which one? It depends. Which one?

Oh, no. I have multiple coins. So I have quarter, and then many of them.

That's a good way to say that. So you have one quarter and many other what type of coins? Quarter.

I think what he's

a

trying to say is he has

okay, okay. Am I catching that? Uh -oh, I'm looking through your coins here. Do you think these are Sacagaweas? They're not. Really? These are arcade tokens.

Oh, my God. Most of these are arcade tokens. I thought Sacagawea didn't look like Mario.

These go to a premium arcade, though. That's good. That's good news.

Oh,

wait. Those are coins from premium arcade across the street? Yeah. Wow. Oh, a lot of coins.

That's nice.

Coin.

No, sir. It is coins. Anything that's plural, you add the S.

I'm sorry. I've double parked somebody. Okay. So I should get out of here.

Yes, yes, yes. I'll tell you this. You double parked somebody? Yeah. There's nothing but spaces out there.

We're not that busy. They pulled up by the only car

parking lot and double parked them. It was the spot. I love efficiency. It was the most efficient way to get here. And I figured it would be in and out.

in the

Oh, my God.

He's getting his

out of there hyped and ready to find out. He goes in there and he chugs a Trenta at noon. And it's. Whose

car is this? Oh, shit. It's the mayor's business. Oh, the

fucking

mayor's business. Whoa. Oh, all four tires shot out on your car.

Damn. You better go. That really locked him in.

Uh

-oh. Pouring on gas on his

car. Mayor, no. Mayor, you're locking yourself in. Burning the whole thing down. He's committing. He's committing. Oh, no. He's committing. What did he commit?

Arson. Oh, he committed arson. Thank God not suicide. Don't do any. Don't commit anything else, Bear. Oh, God. The car is too close to the lingerie shop. It's nothing but tinder in here.

I'll get the fire

extinguisher. I'll get the fire extinguisher. Put on all

the lingerie you can.

Oh,

no. The fat lighter briefs. The

fat lighter briefs.

Oh. No.

Someone get the big dog bras.

Grab as many bras as you can and get out. Grab as many bras as you can and get out. Get the lace tighty -whities. Get the lace T -dubs. Get the lace T -dubs. Grab out the drawers. We got to go. Get the custom drawers, brochure. Get the custom drawers.

Okay. Our livelihood. Our whole lives. You don't work

here, sir. Our whole

lives. You were here to get custom drawers. Let's get out. Let's get out. Honey, I know you're already disappointed about the Homer stuff, but I have to say goodbye. I think I'm going to die in this fire.

You can leave. Honey, I love you. Who's your team? I hate it.

This woman you want TV

with.

Fritz. Fritz's wife. Come on. Guys, come out of the store.

Come out. The doors are open. Come out. Get out. Do you guys still date?

Oh, yeah. You have to have a date night. You have to. And you have to keep the mystery alive. Stop

lampooning.

Homer, I

Tell