The Gas Station

They say ass, gas, or grass. Nobody rides for free. Well, until they make a vehicle that operates on ass, I'll stick to the gas. Thank you very much.

Man, look at how many cars we gotta wait. Is there an open pump anywhere around here?

No.

Alright, I'm just gonna line up behind this line here.

Does this van take regular gas? Instead of what? Regular. I'm just like, you know, there's like diesel or like...

Yeah, we haven't filled up since we rented it. So

do we know if it's a diesel or gas?

I wanted to rent ethanol. Don't look at me.

And we told you that's expensive and it stinks.

Okay, it's good for the environment. Ethanol?

Yeah.

I don't even... I missed that convo. Instead of buying gas at the gas station, you go to a McDonald's. You say, you got any old oil? Okay, so vegetable oil.

Yes. I think that's ethanol. I

see. That's not ethanol. What is it?

Vegetable oil. Vegetable oil. Well, they make cars to run on that. That's

what I'm talking about. Yes. Okay. I thought you meant like where they're pumping those big hook things. Like you go out there and just kind of rob one of those. That feels like maybe just straight up

ethanol. Straight oil. Like crude oil. Straight

crude. Does this run off of crude? Oh, man. It might run off of crude. No,

I don't think they do that. It's an older van. Yeah, it's an older van. It's an unprocessed crude.

I mean, we bought it. We rented it from crude for sure.

Well,

crude. One of the crudest salespeople I ever talked

to. Speaking of crude, are they going to be in every city we're in also playing? Like I

thought we were the only alt rock band player. I can't believe we're touring at the same time as crude. Yeah.

Like crude is taking most of our audience.

With Orms, Whiter, Bean.

It's really tough to see somebody sort of.

They're not a

band.

cover

They're a Coover Boon. They're a Coover Boon.

Yeah, they're

Coover Boon. I don't understand.

It's all the rage these days. Coover Boons

are doing it. It's taking our whole audience. They've sold them on TikTok. Did you just get your hair?

I think I just felt something wet on my neck. I'm not sure

what it was. Get your hair down. Excuse

me. Make sure our hair

is close.

I might have

coughed on the back of

your neck.

It's okay. If you keep your hair a little closer to your neck, then my coughs won't get on

the back of your neck. And really stroking. Good. Yeah, I mean, these Coover Boons are taking over TikTok. And I'm thinking maybe we should mispronounce our lyrics just to

hop on the trend. No, I'm not selling out. It's the first stop of the tour. Can we not talk about changing our whole shtick?

Okay, you're right. We haven't even gotten gas yet. I know. I know. We've done one show. And

I mean,

it's hard to bomb. We did a sound check.

And then we're going to go hit gas and head back to the venue. Right. We haven't even performed.

We bombed the sound check, though.

we? Did we get some

Why did

money off? We watched the engineer.

Which I thought it was rude.

I thought it was rude. The house manager heckled

It's not about being a fan if

us.

you work there. I will say it kind of upset me when I followed him out and tried to get him to come back. And you guys just left me hanging out to dry.

That's too desperate. That's too desperate.

Dude, you can't keep following audience members out and having full

conversations with them while we're in their tuning. This wasn't an audience member. Without the engineer, we can't play a show tonight. I was trying to get him back. And by the way, we still haven't gotten him.

We can always stall tune for so long.

Like last tour, I remember you disappeared to talk to a friend of yours.

And we really stall tune for almost 30 minutes. It wasn't just a friend of mine, okay? That was my grandma that we thought was dead. Really?

We walked your grandma

the first time you saw her back alive. But it ended up she was dead. And it was just an old lady who now is your friend.

Right? Yes. But you call her grandma.

Why do you

keep thinking she's alive? Like we all went to her funeral. We saw her body. We

funeral. Because my grandma was a big fan of Andy Kaufman. She's always

played her

done like sort of like performance art stunts and like comedy stuff. So I thought she was playing a big trick on us.

Because she used to tell me when I was a baby, she would come into my room at night while it was dark. She would stand over my bed and she would say, one day I'm going to die, but not really.

God,

remember when she wrestled the guy running that bingo?

She's such a Kaufman fan. Of course

I remember. She

like

lived just

him. I just don't get it. Who loves their grandma that much? I do. To me, it's like,

you

know, we lost her. Yeah. And it's

sad. But that's a lot. It's more of a release than it is a sadness.

Yeah. When the death comes. Good for you. You lived a beautiful life. But like, I don't see every old woman and chase her down hoping she's my tricky grandma.

You know?

Hey, hey, hey. Oh, we just got cut off for the pump.

All right. I got to focus up. Focus up, man. All right.

You fucking

loser. That's not focus. Wait, is

that Scott? That's not focus. You have to roll it out the window.

Wait. I bumped my nose on the window.

They didn't hear that.

Oh, you're bleeding. You're bleeding. You bumped your nose hard. All right. I'm going to run in and

grab some Kleenex and some corn nuts. Does anybody else want anything else? Corn nuts and Kleenex also.

Okay.

Corn nuts.

Two

Two

Kleenexes. Can I get a Snickers?

Yeah. And a Coke. Actually, no. Corn nuts and Kleenex.

Sorry. Okay. No Snickers, no Coke? No, no,

no. Okay.

Cheetos. Okay. Gatorade.

Okay. Good,

good, good.

Corn nuts. Okay.

Kleenex.

Well, the first Kleenex was for you because for your bleeding nose.

All right. Okay. So let's cancel the second Kleenex that I was about to say. Okay. Keep the first. Okay. But you want to keep? No Coke or no Gatorade, no Cheetos. So just

Kleenex and corn nuts. I'm going to get eight Kleenexes and eight corn nuts

just so we're all covered. Does that work? Oh, get Kleenex.

No, I know. I got that. Oh,

okay. Sorry. That was the number one thing on the list. All right. But

hey, just don't miss the pump again.

Don't miss the pump. Put it in neutral and honestly just rest it on the person's car in front of us.

Smart. That way when they move, we move. Prop the

car. Smart.

Prop. It's just prop. That's why they built this one a little downhill.

Exactly.

But yeah, prop on the back of this fourth page.

All right. I'll be right back. Oh, hey, hey, quick,

quick, quick. Sorry, sorry. More thing. Yo. Can you get me some corn nuts and Kleenex? Yes. Yeah. I'll add that to the list. And remember to open the door when you go to get out, okay? You

got it. You got it.

All right.

nose.

Go hit your

Oh,

Hang on. Shit. All right. I'll be right back. I think it was in the car in front of us. I think it might be Scoot Stoop. Oh, my God.

shit.

Scoot Stoop?

Scoot Stoop? Scoot Stoop. We should say that. You can take our pump, but you can never take our freedom.

Can I say something just while Alan's gone?

Yeah. Yeah.

He's like way off at the base, right?

Yes.

Yeah.

I

that's why we

walked the edge here. He's saying he's in drop D, but his base is very out of tune. I don't even think it works.

think

Well, I actually checked his pedal board, and his tuner doesn't have a battery in it. Okay. Okay. So what's he tuning to? I think just ear.

I saw him out tuning

next to a lake

that had geese in it, and they were just like, he was tuning to their

honks, and I

think that's why it sounds so weird. He's in drop geese. Yeah. Drop geese. I think he's in drop geese,

and it's really like, I mean, it's a sound for sure. I think it's experimental. That's why we like Alan. Yeah. He likes to go by the beat of his own drum, but

in a band,

you kind of have to go by the beat of the

drummer's drum. Yes. Yes. Yes. We're not

an experimental band. We're 90s style alt rock in

2023. You know what? He left his bass in the car. I'm just going to tune it really quick with my tune. Smart. So

then it's a tune. Okay. Hurry up. Hurry up. Hurry up. If you get caught

tuning in his bass.

think three of them are good, but

I

one of them I still think is in goose. Try the B string. Okay. That needs to go down. Oh,

yeah. There it

There it is. All

is.

right, guys. I'm back. We didn't move the line at all.

No. Geez.

Yeah. This guy's got a huge tank.

Stupid. Oh, my God. It's got stoop ahead of us.

I think he's got an auxiliary tank. Yeah. They're on the focus.

All right. Well, here's a bag of corn nuts for everybody.

Here's Kleenex for you. Thanks. Thank you. So, eight Kleenex for you.

Eight Kleenex for you. Yeah, you're still

bleeding. Oh, yeah. I'm sorry.

You got it. Hey, when we're on the road this year, you got to take care of your wounds. Last

year was crazy. Like, it doesn't just heal on its own. You

need at least a Band -Aid, some Neosporin something. Yeah. You're right. I'm not going to argue with you. I'm embarrassed. And my blood is thinning by the moment. And

I need to take care of myself. I always think I will. But then we get on tour and I just get a little wild. Right. It's tough. It's tough to think about

everything you need to think about. That's why we like you as our singer. You're anemic. And when you scream loud, you pass out. And that's why a lot of people like

us. It's like those fainting goat memes. It's exactly like fainting goats. Yeah. And you do

poop out a couple of little pellets, too.

I know. You faint. You poop. And you sing beautifully.

Yes. And we walk the room.

And we walk the room. And it's got nothing to do with what you are doing up front, I don't think. I think it's the perfect complement to what the rest of us are doing. You know, my bass, your singing, your drums. Me, yes. And you. And me. And you.

And I'm going to pick an instrument. I'm going to eventually pick one.

Right.

But I grew up, you know, with a lot of instruments in the house.

And

I just can't commit.

Right. I can't commit.

And we're not going to make this. I am going to see a piano later. Okay. That's good. You're going to give it a shot. You're going to give it another shot. I am. I am. I am.

Because you were seeing your piano teacher for a while. And you just couldn't really. It seemed like a bit of a

love affair.

Yes. It was a bit of one. And it got a little too hot for me. And I had to get out of there.

I just. Once we're getting to scales.

Right. It's too much for me.

And I just have to

respect that. Sounds like me when I'm trying to diet.

Because of the scales.

The scales.

Once I get the scales. Oh, you were doing that. That trout diet. Right. That you put scales on your back. And you swim around. Yeah. It was this experimental diet. You know. These guys went to Turkey. And got scales on our back.

Well, they say it's the all fish diet. But it's not exactly what you think

it is. Dude.

Getting

scales

in Turkey is so much cheaper. And I feel like it looks pretty good. And the camaraderie. You're on the plane with all those other guys. That got scales at the same time.

And you're all flying back to America. America's head swollen to hell. Yeah.

With scales all over your back. Well, the issue. This is embarrassing. Can I admit something?

Of course. Of course. I meant to get scales in Turkey. And I accidentally

got feathers in

Finland.

So you went to the wrong country.

And got the wrong procedure?

Well, that makes sense. I don't know what happened. I think it was. I think the person I was working with was fucking with me.

So that was an issue with the diet is I got turkey body, which is not

the body I'm

going for. That's crazy. That's crazy.

It's

insane. I did notice that your arms and legs have sort of been resting against your body in a really interesting way when you just sit

down. Well, I guess I thought you were using lots of deodorant. But that's you basting?

Yeah. Wait.

That's a butter stick? Well, tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Are you

going to be cooked?

Hey, if we ever get the gas in the dang van. I mean, we're not going to see an oven for a while.

not get cooked. Oh, hey, wait. Up front. Not the one in front of us. The one up. Let's go. Go around. Sorry. This is us. We're taking this spot. Sorry. I'm standing here.

Do

Nice. Nice.

I'm standing

here. You're going to have to run me over. No. Oh,

no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. You're running over our bases. Sorry. I'm very sorry. My leg. You guys, I can't do this. Get back in here. It's okay. He's sorry. He

apologized. He's driving off. He's driving. We got hit and run. Hit and run at the loves. Hit and run. Hit and run at the loves. Does anybody

have a cell? Is nobody looking at us? Hit and run at the loves. Nobody's. Hello.

Nobody gives a shit about people

getting

hurt. Wait a second. There's hit and runs all over. There's people doing hit and runs all over the parking lot.

Oh, my God. It's not safe here. All right. All right.

Is your leg okay?

No. If only we had enough Kleenex. We could do something

about this.

You're losing a

lot of blood. You're losing a lot

of blood. I got a

s'more Kleenex. Is that a dig at me? Because I got all the Kleenex. Are you right with the Lord? I just think you're losing a lot of blood.

And I think you're fading. Are you right with the Lord? No. We just had an argument.

Are

you going to go to heaven? I need to know. I don't know. I was praying the other night and it said not received. What? I got a message that it said not received and I was praying. If there was only a singer around who was Christian

to save you.

My

were wide open.

arms

I was talking to the Lord.

Did I hear arms

weren't open? Oh.

Scoot, stoop. Scoot, stoop. Scoot, stoop. Scoot. Oh, you like corn nuts too? You were inside.

I like corn nuts.

Okay.

Scoot. I got to say, I want to real quick just bury the hatchet. I know we're a little competitive with each other.

Scoot.

Yeah. Oh, what's going on here?

What?

Are you okay? I called down one. He's not right with the Lord.

think he's bleeding out. I got my leg run over. And this is my friend. He's a turkey.

And I

I know all of

you.

We tour parallel. I'm going to be honest. I feel so guilty. We planned our tour against yours to humiliate you. Yes.

I'm so sorry. We're in the band Cold Soar. You know us. You love us. Anyway, we did. You're Christian, right? Last Rites? You do Last Rites. Yes. I guess. Or sing a song of yours. I'm going to do Last Rites. Sorry. Is that one? Okay. I didn't know that one.

My bad. Please. I see the Lord coming and he's got a big grimace on his face. He's purple?

He's got a McDonald's on his face? Yes. He has a tattoo of grimace on

his

face. Lord loves grimace? Lord loves grimace.

Is that the first time you're hearing of it, Scoot Stoop? I've heard all sorts

of things. Wait. Wait. Lord loves grimace.

Oh. Is that? Do you like how that sounds? I do. I like how that

sounds. Okay. Good. It's a little out of tune, though.

Oh, we'll see.

No. No. Now it's sounding good. No.

You're going to go

No.

to hell if you keep playing. No.

Let's go.

I'll send him to heaven. I'll send him to heaven.

Okay. Good. Good.

Well, who just heard the news to do?

Yes. Okay.

It seems my friend. Life is going to choose.

I'm going to miss you guys. I'm going to miss you. Do you see the Lord? It's kind of

blurry. The Lord's worded. Oh, he's pissed. Under the suit. What does the Lord look like? He's

fake. He can't really see him. He's a little backlit. Okay. Okay. But he's got grimace on his face.

He's got grimace. Who else?

Birdie from the McDonald's characters. Birdie. He's got the fry, guys. If you had just one whoosh, only Wundu's. I

hope

he's

the blue crew. Oh, he's dead. He's dead.

He's dead. Oh, no. He's dead with his tongue out quick.

He's all the way dead. He's

all the way

dead. Fellas, I'm so sorry, but at least we could send him to heaven.

God, that was close. The Lord, it seems like God needs money. He's sponsored by McDonald's. Birdie and grimace.

Grimace is pretty popular. Birdie's pretty

on the side. I don't even know who

Birdie

is. Birdie is an odd duck.

Not literally, but yeah, an odd one.

Well, I don't know, Scoot. We obviously lost our bases. I don't even play an instrument, so now all we have is a lead singer who looks like a turkey, passes out a lot, falls to the ground and shits himself, and drums. Could we join the Crude tour? I know that's so forward. You want to open for Crude?

Yes. It'd be great if we could. Could you change all your songs to where you say ooh instead of the normal words you're saying? Because that's what our crowd's looking for. I don't

know.

There's big money in it. There's big money in it.

We just got a song on the last of us. Are you

serious?

Dead serious.

The HBO show? Attention loves customers. We are unfortunately out of gas. What?

No! For today, we're expecting a shipment tonight at 1 a .m. What? Love! But we are out of gas. You can stay in line if you'd like. There should be more gas at 1 a .m.

Thank you. Oh, my God. Fuck, we should have gotten the fucking... Why did we pick up a van with no gas in it?

It was cheaper.

Scoot! Fellas, think about

my offer. I don't know if we can do it, but thank you for the offer. We got a full tank ahead. We got to cut you. We got a full tank ahead of you. Yeah. We're doing our Thanksgiving show tomorrow night, and we'll leave the opening act wide open for you guys. Okay. All

So our audience will either stand in silence, or they'll hear you play, Here's My Card.

right.

Okay. Thanks.

Wow. That's amazing. What do you think, guys? We only have one song that we play. Do you think we could change it

to a slightly different pronunciation? Do you guys see that old lady over there? Yes.

Grandma! No. Grandma! No. No.

See, she's saying

no. Grandma!

No.

That almost makes me think she might be your grandma. She was so quick to say no. She is dressed in a singlet.

Oh, my God. She's rushing over. No.

Da -da -da. Da -da -da.

Shh. Da -da -da. Da

-da -da. What? You both. Grandma!

What? This is my grandma! Da -da -da.

Da -da

-da. Elbow drop! Da -da -da. Shh.

Da

-da -da. Oh, yeah. Da -da -da. Da -da -da. Burn in hell, grandson.

Oh! And a chokeslam to his death! Oh! Oh, my God. Two

members of the...

Attention loves customers. If you could refrain from killing each other. The hearst has no gas and can't get here very quickly. So we're just going to be riddled with dead bodies until we fix that.

Oh, God. Well, what are we going to do, turkey man? It