Ep 10: Basketball Camp

all right guys gather around gather around excited to be here bill

yeah coach I mean yes you call me bill you can call me coach

now I want to thank y 'all for I know we had a last -minute venue shift and I appreciate y 'all showing up you all right just dusty out here

yes so the construction guys know we're here

they know yeah they know

you

don't have to play with the hat on if you don't want I just think it's probably best

well usually we wear uniforms not costumes so we're kind of here in disguise using someone else's hoop say that again we're dressed as construction workers and hard hats using their hoop is that what's going on well

I set up this hoop look we had a gym it fell out I fell down it fell down yeah do y 'all know who pistol Pete Maverick is

Maverick Maravich

yeah Maverick

oh Maverick the

basketball player or the guy who

he's he's not very good at dribbling

uh he he had it was his original gym so it's old yeah that thing's old and I didn't realize that it was rigged with dynamite they were going to bring it down big plume style controlled implosion yes yes big plume controlled implosion I

think that's why I keep coughing

well

luckily you were at like you were the last to run off

you were you got engulfed by plume and I apologize about that um but yeah we I I can't believe we were we were in there when they were doing the countdown I they must have they messed up but I appreciate y 'all we were running out they're running suicides I had y 'all tired as hell

yeah

and I knew it would be a legitimate suicide almost well I I yes and I I appreciate y 'all y 'all were in it that's the headspace I want to walk into a building that's rigged

ready to go crowd nearby watching news there

and y 'all they're all ready to play

so that's

telling me that this hoop is yours and it's sanctioned

this this is hopefully soon going to be a walmart there's some great scaffolding

already up one of them's at perfectly 10 feet

you read you we just needed another walmart in town well we had we've got the grocery store slash little one yeah and we needed the super center

the parking is terrible the little one grocery store they added in the electric car parking

oh my god station it's a nightmare

empty my dad always says it's ratty don't go in there the people in there are ratty

and I gotta say to your dad where else am I gonna get a 3xl Tasmanian devil shirt

I

don't know

and

I'm gonna say to your dad where else am I gonna see my ex -wife Tanya

yes and I just want you to know that says Tasmanian and he's giving he's got his bare ass out oh that's

an ass I wasn't sure about the um

was anatomy I thought it was a Tasmanian devil's body

what'd you think it

I just thought I thought they were kind of reversed no no no no no no okay no no no

damn I wore this to a job interview oh no we didn't have any was it a crude job

no what crude like would it would it get you some points no it was the opposite it was to be a butler for a rich man

oh okay so you needed to be dress fancy

I'm gonna have to uh pay you on layaway for these basketball classes if you don't mind

oh you're gonna

do you you ain't gonna

you ain't gonna 75

do you have clarna do you have clarna

yeah of course I got

clarna I'll just do clarna

look at this point I they gotta get clarna everywhere they gotta where is why is clarna only on like shirts and stuff clarna she's beautiful

by the way

oh she's beautiful bill bill can we can we can

we can we can

clarna

no no clarna

I'd love to just learn some basketball

bill look I came here to get a little bit better at basketball so I can connect with

myself I'm so happy we're alive that I can't stop talking to you guys

this man's great clover than does plume got it

hey I trust you you're the best coach or the only coach in town I'm I'm following you well I'd love to learn a little b -ball you

guys I appreciate you signing up I don't know we're going to get the basketball but when that plume hit you and you went out and you thought you maybe were saying your last words the last thing you said was clarna just so you know

it's like you saw an angel

that was me yeah so you heard it yeah yeah you weren't sure it was you talking I was like is that me trying to uh profess my love for clarna

out of body it was out of body I was hovering over myself I was crying screaming clarna

clarna's beautiful she'll pay for anything you want no I don't think it's a woman

bill okay this is

the thing well don't okay so I'm supposed to pay later with something named jennifer and not get horny clarna's a beautiful name I can't argue with you there bill every time

bill say what about free thrills bill paypal

if

I buy on paypal

I can remain in my body it's just a

pal

yeah you're never having sex with your pal but if you all of a sudden I paid with clarna next stop porn hug for me I'm going straight okay

bill what what about what

about all right let's bow our heads bow your heads

wait what are we doing

bow your heads we start with a prayer dear lord

I want to thank you for sending these uh these middle -aged men to my basketball camp they are all part of a league

and I know I'm an adult man but my dad told me I wasn't supposed to pray he told me don't pray he you were told this was a non -religious basketball camp yeah my dad signed me up he he paid for everything he just told me if you go there don't pray don't get into any weird shit don't follow anybody yeah you ain't praying you keep your eyes up and keep your head looking straight out that's what you do when other people are

praying you don't believe you look weird and you stare straight at you find the other person in the room is also not praying and

you give them a little you

just question is if you still respectfully say i'm not a

people yeah that's what you're thinking the whole time

a lot a lot can be told about how a non -believer acts when a prayer is going to do they roll eyes

do they look for other people

i think

i'm going to say it but can we get back to the prayer lord i want to thank you for sending these gentlemen here today because they are trying to get better why did you realize that they're trying to get better i'm just talking about

you it's the

fact that it's

the

lord's power

were your eyes open bill yeah

i need to look around well then that doesn't feel it

doesn't feel it doesn't feel it's safe for us to act when

we want to

who are you talking to then when you're looking

around

i'm still talking i'm talking to him he does the prayer the prayer doesn't have to keep his eyes closed it's for the acceptors and the listeners

if you

are praying eyes wide open looking around for inspiration gathering things what do you have thankful for what do you think for near vicinity vicinity what are we doing

anyway that's about our heads i'll keep mine up and eyes open

okay so we got four four pairs of peepers

let's scrap it that

we ain't got any believers

i don't

in this

believe

okay when nobody believes i you know can i say something

i think you don't have to take the kids camp curriculum and lay it directly over the adult

camp if you want to make up something for us okay that'd be appreciated that's great yeah how about three pointers bill

all

right okay before we get started

on three pointers i mean three tips it means we're going to shoot

points

oh no no no no no i know i know

one hand up other hand joins by the referee that's three

yeah you know what i mean okay

bill we're not we're not here to learn how to be referees i know we're middle -aged men all right here to learn how to let me look at the curriculum here um go around say your names go

around say your names um shameless winkle i

hope you're not gonna laugh at all right please don't bill come on man i mean mr crazy let's get some

professionalism my bad that would just hit me

shambles has been dealing with people making fun of his name for a long time you can't laugh at him the second he says it wasn't the first it was adding

oh

the second he's the first generation i should hire shiminger i

just got here yeah respect you just i

just got here yeah i didn't know they were still doing that yeah ellis island the whole thing oh so they changed you whoa i'm mick winkle in ireland but they

made me change it beautiful they just wanted you drunk because mcdonald's was there yeah mcdonald's is there

slashing micks they have a they had a patent you had to pay mcdonald's into the patent if you're at me

i don't know if we're making fun of me with all this mcdonald's sock or whatever but yeah go ahead don't laugh bill

my name is booty

all right

grimace come on bill booties been getting made fun of

come on

well

bill

that was started please

that one started and i didn't know how it was going to be mcdonald's and then that one got me because it started funny and then it real hard went to grimace and it made me think

of purple butt

he got roasted in a rap circle where they said he makes the booty grimace

okay

so your name well not really a rhyme just said my name

your name stuff all

right my name of course is quarter founder with mc cheese quarter pounder with mc cheese

it's you

quarter

pounder it's not an order it's not an order it's a name

you're right a name's gonna have mc cheese if

you order that they'd look at you crazy

are you related

to the

huh are you related to the mayor the cartoon mayor yeah all

mayor

right let's get this out is anyone here related to a cartoon

i'll start that bill please in sequence okay good bill what about bounce passes what if we talked about bounce passes

oh great let's start with bounce passes all right fine so uh sheamus uh grab one of these balls right over here we got a rack go ahead not mine

not mine sheamus i was mad at mr crazy but sheamus you know that

ireland we take things very literally

sheamus in

come on sheamus sheamus sorry it's a little irish humor do a laugh get down do a laugh

you

know you hop kind of like hop all right

let's go

around and say maybe your biggest hang on sheamus newtel forget it get back over here don't forget it

don't worry about it that's smart i will say as a person who who well whose dad pays for this i don't want to have to work too too hard

no you know i don't i don't really

i'm not really training to be an athlete i'm more it's more of wish fulfillment for me

yeah

right okay me as well i'm just trying to get a little bit better at basketball so i can hang with my kid you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah for sure

on the rim right you keep falling off the rim when you guys are hanging on the rim

yeah he said he says it's a good vantage point it's like it's like sitting on a pier

it's you him and his stepdad and you're always off first so they're bombing up there

yeah while you're down on the ground trying to get back up on the rim yeah i mean and i appreciate

the invite i appreciate the invite anytime that they're going to play a little pickup game but i i'm sorry is that what

you're trying to do here you try to get better at pickup game with your son

and just step you lost to his sunset that 21 to 1. yeah oh

my god well at

but did

least you put one up

you make it no he he said let me give you one he gave you one

yeah at what point wrong basket just to show how cool he was

yeah it was 20 to zero and he said you know let me get you one before oh right

okay so that's why you're here

yeah i just want to get better at playing you're just going to be able to score some points against uh tanya's new husband right okay

all right well that's a that's a good one that what why are you two gentlemen here sheamus booty

um well i i just wanted to learn a little more about the american cultural sports i feel a little unassimilated ever since i moved over um and so i want to learn a little more

about here here so you the hat the hat is very

irish

not the tam the scottish tam yes i'm not well i do now

um yeah so take it off

nobody else barely got it over the construction hat so it was a lot of work yeah

okay all right but yeah i want to learn more about people here i feel very out of place because like you say basketball and where i'm from it's kicking a ball on the ground

right

well no that's soccer i'm

i'm lost so there is a a kind of a like how football and soccer are kind of similar and have names that can switch there's bass basketball and kicking a ball on the ground yes we as we call basketball kicking the ball on the ground okay talking about on ground basketball oh okay is there a goal is there it buried the basket okay like a potato okay all right i didn't know about this at all me

lost

it's all right experience but this is going to be very i wouldn't even have to pay a full price after all this

this is going to be very different um you want a discount

i i can't pay you up front because i'm not going to get the job i interviewed for but i'll do my best

all right that brings us back to clarkin about that all

right

what about you booty well i don't want to be here my dad signed me up for discipline he wants me here to get disciplined

this is a disciplinary action from your father yeah he just thinks if i play some team sports and get out there with the boys i'll learn a little discipline

okay

all right this guy talks back to his dad i've seen it he's a bitch

oh my

god what are you going to say to him he's a little stinky bee

that's so american well

that's right

you've got to respect your elders okay even if they're idiots stupid and bad and give bad advice and they're wrong all the time right you're right i'm a bad boy

what about hookshot bill what do you say about a hookshot

good kareem abdul jabbar hook a famous one

that's a picture of shaquille o 'neal you just put up there

why is the powerpoint so good feels like you put a lot of the powerpoint the powerpoint is dying it's crisp it's really dumb what is this

oh this is not kareem abdul jabbar okay

yeah see

i was testing you all

okay to see if you knew famous basketball players good

job

yeah i wonder if carolyn's husband what's her name tanya

so he

said what you didn't you have a thing with carolyn

you're just thinking about people whose names sound like clara you are clearly riffing this whole class you're riffing this

whole no this is orientation he said how about hookshot you said okay kareem actually that's shaq

that's not kareem guys i don't want to do this okay i nobody signed up i was prepared for 60 adults the building got blown

up i'm left with you three guys you wanted 60 adults you're not even prepared for three look at that spread over there

i was prepared for 60 look

that's true that is a lot of popeyes

it's so

much

we were gonna dive into some popeyes and get on the court

it's all the fried shrimp you only got popeyes fried shrimp

you got like a thousand shrimp over there for 60 guys or ladies is there any ladies signed up no

there's a space for carna though right

that chair you say there's a chair for car

there

every you always are saving chairs for

clark all right watch this watch this watch

this wow oh

mr

cream

yeah okay

i gotta listen up i respect you now that was sick wasn't

it

i could break anybody's ankles okay do you guys want that yes all right i want to cross someone over they fall down and i yell in their face as i switch it off yes okay that's

what we're looking for all right

go ahead give us to a right side lay up on the right side two steps all right roll it in okay

okay that got that was not good

okay

thank you let me try let me try i am looking for a little advice i came here not as a professional i came here as someone trying to get better so well you you stuffed it hard underneath with your left hand okay

okay

so i think you're maybe more dominant with your left hand and you don't know this because you've been kicking a ball into a little potato hole okay y 'all don't use your hands for nothing over there any sports over there you using your

hands uh i guess ping pong ping pong

which is basically what we're doing here it seems like no

no well we call this ping pong what we're doing here

here we go hit me hit me three hit me three

right here go ahead booty boot

okay all right tough i got a little net all right you have to catch the ball

before you take ball sorry

hey hey hey

seamus no that you should be ready for that okay you got to be ready to get made fun of well let me get another one here hit me hit me okay okay go ahead pop

okay you aren't catching it and

you're shooting i know you're just hitting me in the you got to catch the ball first and then make it into the basket okay okay one

here right on the three here all right got it shrimp down seamus

more

shrimp down or grab

a shrimp we gotta wait for shrimp or what's the deal with shrimp

yeah i want shrimp let's go ahead do shrimp

let's do gravy what's the curriculum here what what are we doing i was just gonna

kind of wing it okay but i like y 'all

i like you a lot i

love you i mean i what

if we you love me i'm having trouble with the with the course but i love

love y 'all you're very charismatic i love you guys and i would i would like to sit down and have some shrimp with you let's

you i

break

shrimp yeah let's break shrimp break these are pretty big shrimp though bill yeah see it's a farm raised garbage in here not at our popeyes

this is

this is wild caught

this is

upgrade some of these are so big they look like fish yeah i think some of these are fish no yeah

no they ain't okay they shrimp

bill

this is look at the little spike on the

head this is this is not only a fish this is an angler fish a deep sea disgusting fish with huge teeth

these fuckers down at the popeyes no you telling me they serving me mile below or more fish and calling

them shrimp

that's bullshit so it looks like everybody knows the good fisher at the top yeah that's where you get them birds are i never fished with a sinker

you ain't catching nothing no we're bottom feed sheep head i want a sheep that's

nasty pelican going and catching anglerfish they'll freeze to death before they even get them you can't eat this shit no

i'll tell you this at least they're still not deveined at least they're not well they're just not deveined

they still did that true that's true you can see the i love yeah oh you don't like that

what

you don't like when a shrimp's a little nasty a little dirty a little poop on a little more natural i got a

shrimp i don't like it

oh let me guess you want your shrimp all cleaned up not even stinky

come on come on

you can't kind of smell

like what do you i haven't

done one piece of this class without getting yelled at yeah what do you like about stinky shrimp mr gravy

i like stuff like natural y 'all want it shaved i bet

okay bill bill what about a pick and roll bill what about a pick and roll what about a

pick and

roll all right that's good get me back to the curriculum i appreciate that i was about to go off on one now y 'all like it too clean the kids like it too clean nowadays yeah we know all right pick and roll so this is the thing you're gonna do for your buddy you run up to him you you pick his defender and then you roll towards the basket

okay do we pick buddies here is it a buddy assistant

or no you usually just it's a person with the ball is your buddy

okay

so whoever's got a ball you want to help them i'll set the pick i'll do a pick okay great and i'll be on defense all right great okay that's really good all right booty's on defense seamus is bringing it up the court all right um quarter pounder with mc cheese quarter pounder mc cheese is busy he's gonna do the pick and roll all right i'm inbound into you go ahead seamus

crossover go right ah my

ankle

oh

he rolled it bitch oh hell

yeah

wow

you must be in a kitchen because you just got cooked by the chef oh you're talking to my

dad oh

my god three hits oh seamus is doing a little walk a little celebration on his toes seamus has really been studying america that's a classic celebration

yeah nice i went i got a tj maxx's and i read and one t -shirts for my shit talk

wow you

really

are

american

t -shirts now just say bitch

i added some

do they promote assault you hit me in the head and face yeah

stuff

i've seen when it just said bitch asterix slap them in the face well yeah yeah well your dad's nodding big over there booty i'm not that surprised

he's happy that this is a problem for you

yeah what did you

do

well i wake up late i just wake up late

i wake up late he's trying to get my ass up i don't know two three that's late that's

that's late

really

i'm late to work almost every day i work at the school that's when they get out i

know

what do you do there

bill real quick question yeah what are these like little what are all these little things on all the corners of this building uh with that look like c4

i think we in this again

no come on

come on now yo yo they did the husk and

now they're doing the bones wait they must what is it run

booty booty don't get it take out you gotta come with us no my son stays in the game my son stay in the game son

oh florida i

love you florida florida find me dig me out of here florida oh oh oh

oh