Ep 9: City Council

Hello, everyone. Hello, and welcome back to the Hamilton City Council meeting. We are here to discuss everything that is happening here in Hamilton and pass all the requisitions and bills. And why don't we just go ahead and get right into it? It's been a great bunch of meetings these last couple of months. Everyone's been really kind and efficient, and I hope we can get some more of that tonight. So thank you, everyone, for your participation. And I'd just like to go ahead and call up the first speaker now. Again, guys, we don't have a list. It's just anybody who feels motivated. You can come up and don't be shy. We do this every meeting. You don't have to be polite.

Hi. Hello, everyone. My name is Rick. I live on Brannon Street. I'd like to once again bring up, adding some four -way stops onto Brannon Street. We have people speeding down. I took matters into my own hands with the speed bumps, middle -of -the -night speed bumps that I paved myself. And I realized that my concrete work is not perfect. And that became a problem. But, you know, I've tried to get people to slow down on this street so many times. You know, we've got young kids on this street. And

I just... Speed bumps were too tall.

We

know this has been a problem.

Thank you for voicing it. Your speed bumps were way too tall. Yeah, I know. Let's call it like we see it. Decorum, decorum. Let's have some decorum. I am up here admitting that. They're five feet tall. It's ridiculous.

They are. They are.

Yeah. They are. Closer to speed walls than they are speed bumps. I think that's a bit of a problem. Yeah, they were walls. They were cinder block walls. Okay. Well, listen. And yeah. And yeah. Yeah. They were painted like the street.

They were painted like those amazing paintings. I've been studying them for weeks. Those scary paintings that you can't walk out on on Disneyland because you can't burn a go. You know, there are some people who are saying you should be charged with attempted murder. Yeah.

Yeah. And I know there's some people saying that and some of it's gaining traction, but they people slowed down, didn't they?

Didn't they slow down? You've brought this. You've brought this to the group 50 times and it has been

an ongoing problem. Is this number 50? This is 50. Listen,

I would love to get some help. I would love to get some help. As we all have talked about, there are no intersecting streets.

can use driveways. You can use driveways.

You

You can use

driveways. We will give you a two -way stop.

It's basically the salt flats on this street and you know that. You know people out there testing aerodynamics on the damn

Brandon Street. You are the only one who has a rocket.

When I need milk for a roux, I need to get it quick.

Okay. And yeah. Yeah. If I know where my kids are, I can scoot down the street

in a carbon fiber car with a rocket blaster on it.

I just don't get why. I think it's the same conversation we have every week. Nobody thinks it's safe for you to be able to go 900 miles an hour.

It's

not

900. Okay.

It's barely over eight.

not 900. I know you've been dialing it in. We all know you've been dialing it in. I've hit 900 one time. Maybe.

It's

Can we just

vote

on

this already and get it over with? We all know how we're going to vote. Don't vote on my car.

I'm keeping the car. The car stays. Let's vote. Should the speed bumps be taken out? And should we add? So that's the first one. Are the speed bumps should be taken out? Yes

or no? They're still up. Yay or nay?

Yay.

Yay.

Yay. Unanimous yay. Unanimous yay. You have to take those down tonight. Was that a nay? Hold

on.

You didn't even do the nays. Do the nays. Okay. All opposed. Come on. Come on now.

Is that you

right there? Don't walk around. Don't walk around. Miss Tina, say nay. This is intimidation. Stop it. Miss Tina, you do not have to say anything. Get your ass up and say nay.

Shut up. Okay. The ayes have it. The speed bumps must come down. Now let's vote on the two -way stop sign. We are offering a two -way

stop sign. You'll give me two

-way? Yes. Let's vote on it.

For what? Go in which direction? For the driveways? And then my street stays with none?

What ways is it? It's on the street. Oh, so it's

what I want. It's what you want. Okay. Let's see. But you're not getting four -way. You're getting two -way.

basically

That's fine because we've already said there's no cross streets. So as long as there's a two -way up, it's fine.

Well, it's the first time you've ever been this open. I'm fantastically surprised.

What do we got? Put it out there. All four? Tina. Pull Pull Pull Pull

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Pull Pull Okay, you've had your time. What about my car? Of course, car wasn't on the spot. Goodbye, motherfuckers. Come on, Tina.

All right,

that's how the first meeting starts every week. Thank God we got through that. Why don't we, now that it's just the sane adults in the room, why don't we just continue with all the normal stuff? Anyone else who'd like to come up to speak, the floor is yours.

well,

I would like to bring something up. It's a new occurrence. Are we just going to allow Darth Vader to live here?

Well, I don't know. Continue, continue.

I don't know. It just feels like that was a real shocking thing when he moved in. His house is obviously a little bigger than everyone else's. You could say it blocks out the sun. I would say intentionally. I think this guy's causing trouble. I know there's a lot of fans of him around the town, but I think he's just kind of a freak, and I think we need to get him out of

here. Well, we know he moved right in next door to you,

and we know that's been a bit of a problem. Yeah. We do have sympathy for that, but we can't. I know. We don't all love our neighbors. Yeah, I know, but I think you all should have some sympathy for me. You do know he and I have some history.

Well, I mean, I don't know what to say. I feel like this has been settled. He obviously is a tax -paying citizen. It is unfortunate that his house sort of sits on top of your house. That's a bummer, but I can't really do anything

about that. I was newly elected to the council, and I believe that my Lord Vader is a very welcome addition to the community. Thank you.

And if we eject him, what's next?

First, they ejected Darth Vader, and I did not speak up because I was not Darth Vader.

Because you were not Darth Vader? You know the

old poem.

Palpatine, enough with your poetry, okay?

If you want to advocate for Darth Vader, fine, but you're always trying to backdoor your poetry, and I don't want to hear it. He who speaks the wisest sleeps the nicest.

Palpatine,

that was horrible. That's a Palpatine original. That was horrible.

It was horrible. You should stick to being the most evil man in the universe. This poetry thing sucks.

Most evil man in the universe. I'm just trying to make things nice for everyone. I was rightfully elected when my opponent was choked to death. Tragically, tragically.

Well, listen. So I vote nay on Darth Vader not being in his house, and I vote yay on him being able to continue to watch movies using his new Bose surround sound system,

heavy bass, through all hours of the night.

Sounds like you kind of like it. What do you mean heavy bass? You over at his house watching big movies?

Well, I do not need to answer that. A man keeps his friends close, and he keeps silent amongst whom his friends are, for he would be a good friend.

You sound like a

pirate. Period.

You talk like a pirate, Palpatine. Listen, sir, I'm really, really sorry about the Darth Vader thing. I don't like that he lives

here either. Yeah, I see where it's going, so we can just get to the vote. This sucks.

Everybody wants Darth Vader out of the town, say aye.

Aye. Okay, you know what? Everyone says nay. Nay. One of these. Okay,

Palpatine. Nay, nay, nay,

nay. You lost again, bitch. I'll say this. I expected it from you, Palpatine, but it's a bummer that Yoda did that. Anyway, goodbye, everybody. I guess I'll just go fucking kill myself.

Kill yourself, you must.

Yoda. Yoda, hey. Listen, I

do want to address all the stuff. Bitches. Yoda, please. Yoda.

Yoda. Yoda. Yoda, what has happened to you in your old age? You've gotten crass. Very crass. Woke mind virus, Yoda, trying to kill. Yoda, shut up. Why are

you a Republican,

Yoda?

So you went all around the whole fucking galaxy, and you came to California or wherever we are to be a Republican?

Buttfucked by taxes, Yoda has been.

Who taxes you, Yoda?

Who

taxes you?

New scum.

I've had it. I've had it. Listen, if someone wants to take over a chair, they can have it.

Because this town sucks shit. We can't get anything done. Everything's crazy. No, no, no. Look, there's other stuff we have to take care of, okay? Just keep... You're doing a great job. We appreciate all the work you're

putting in. I'm just tired of it, man. I'm tired of living here. I'm tired of living in the biggest fucking joke town in the world. Every time we get a new business, it shutters immediately. Even Home Depot failed here. Home Depot was built in Hamilton and failed. I'm tired of it. Who doesn't need home supplies?

If you are sticking around, may I speak?

Yes, the floor's yours.

I just wanted to try to raise money. As you all know, the community garden has grown fallow again. We try to create a community garden for the children in

the schools to plant things and everybody else.

And it is the Dust Bowl there. And I would love the opportunity to just do a five -year process of retilling the soil and eventually

get it going for a long -term process. I agree. Me and my family are dying in the community garden. We can't... We're scrounging by. Papa, are they going to make food for us again? I certainly hope so, honey. We are in the hands of this man speaking at the microphone. And if not, we'll have to go back to eating hot dog slices.

I'm so tired of hot dogs, Pa. I know.

You see how screwed this Dust Bowl

family has been by the community garden growing fallow.

We've got tons of disease. We're trying. We need antibiotics,

too. And I know what you're all thinking. Why don't they just get something to eat at McDonald's or something cheap at the Kroger or something like that?

Gross!

They simply find it too

gross. If you can't pronounce the ingredients in the thing,

you can't eat it. A thing that we do is we look at the food that we eat and we look at the labels on the back. And if there's more than three ingredients,

we don't touch it. Well, listen, this is very important. We want to take this seriously. And I think we should re -up the tilling on the community garden. But I am curious what you're going to do for the next five years. Even if we

get this thing settled, it's a five -year process. If you can't eat anything that isn't from the garden, you're going to die. We're starting every day with a glass of lemon water. That'll be everything.

Somebody showed the Dust Bowl family homesteading TikToks and trad wife stuff. And they have become obsessed with simple solutions. Shuckling on the government's tit, they are. Yoda, get

out of here. Welfare

state. Just fly out of here,

Get the fuck out. I feel like you leave all the time and you reappear.

Yoda.

We need Yoda's

side

of the aisle.

Yoda's going very far on his side of the aisle, but we need him.

Enough snacks here, there are not.

Yoda, listen. Listen. Why don't you run for chair, Yoda? Yoda, why don't you run for chair? Because I've been trying my fucking damnedest to keep this together, but I feel like all everyone wants to do is tear this place apart. Happily, Yoda will.

Wipe the floor with your ass, Yoda will. Yeah, right. No one's going to vote for you. Everybody knows you turned evil.

Evil? Sensible. All right, Yoda. Well, go ahead. Why don't you run the rest of the meeting? I'll give you the mic. You run the meeting. Go ahead, Yoda.

On the docket first, Yoda says. Upping budget for bagels and schmear.

Okay, what do we think?

I actually kind of like

that.

We thought you were going to get the budget under control. What is this your first move

for? On an empty stomach, can't think Yoda

can't.

Can't think Yoda can't. All right, whatever. Let's get some bagels for Yoda now, and then let's get on to the first real thing.

All right. All right. All right. All right.

You could just materialize a bagel any time. Who gives a shit? Toaster Yoda needs

Yoda. This is

small, low -budget shoot rules. Okay? Listen, we need Star Wars out of this town. I don't like it

anymore. I want Darth gone. I want fucking Yoda gone. I want Luke gone. I don't like his little wares that he sells down at the fucking farmer's market.

Luke is so weird. Agree, Yoda does. Good, Yoda. Well, no, but I want you out of town, Yoda. I want to run your ass out of town.

Don't

need to

do Star Wars anymore. Run a nice local small business, Yoda can. Take photos of families in the mall, Yoda will. You're going to be a small photographer. Yoda. I'll say now, Yoda, I think the angle's going to be tough.

Oh, fuck you.

Yeah, that's right. You're little.

That's what I mean. You're little, Yoda. You're going to

always have to. You put the subjects on a stool. You're going to have to get on a stool, Yoda. Empty stomach Yoda can't fight about this on. Yoda, you just had two bagels. Coffee travelers we need. Nice coffee travelers we need. Holy shit. DV

shot Yoda.

Yes, finally.

DV. You were here the whole time.

Yes.

Oh my God. Darth

Vader bought a gun when he moved to Hamilton. Yoda's hit hard. Much more efficient than

I might shake. He can't survive this. He's so hungry. And he got

a shot. Damn. It hurts seeing the Star Wars guys actually bleed.

Holy shit. Another dead shot to Yoda.

Darth, dude, Darth. Dude,

we love you, dude. Oh my nerds.

Jesus. Yoda's getting killed. Nerds right in the. Nerds right in the.

Darth, put him out of his misery, Darth. Stop shooting him in the dick. Go.

Stop shooting him in the dick, Darth. Darth, stop.

Darth. Darth, come on. I don't like Yoda either, but come on. He keeps growing back and he keeps shooting him. Nerds, you keep blowing off.

Nerds. Maybe get to the side of him. Maybe blow him off sideways. Side of his nerds.

Darth Vader,

you're fucking awesome.

You're so fucking sick.

Darth. Point. I

want to make Darth the sheriff. I want to make Darth sheriff. I'm putting him in now. Yay. Yay.

accepted. Darth, Darth. We have a lot of crime in the neighborhood, mostly from Yoda. Darth.

Honor

going to say something? I wasn't really prepared for this moment, but I will say this. Darth. With great power comes great responsibility. Yes. Is that from Spider -Man? You watched

Darth, are you

Spider -Man?

I watched

Spider -Man. I've been watching Spider -Man and he cranked up with his bones. I've been watching

Spider -Man.

Home?

No Way

You just got the old one. I've watched Chronological Order. Maguire, Garfield, Holland. Who's your fave?

Maguire. Of course.

Darth Vader's got good taste. He's got good taste. No question.

I loved the depictions of Uncle Ben's death.

Oh, you see? Let's get this

guy a

treadmill.

Darth, you got to start using the CPAC. Yeah, Darth. I got to say. You have a weight

apnea. Darth, you're getting fat under the helmet, dude. You need a bigger helmet. I wish I could take this one off.

that helmet don't fit at all. You can't take it off? I can see

Darth,

all of your head, Darth. It's just kind of put on the back of your head. Oh, that's disgusting. It looks like you

tied a rubber band around the bottom of your thumb.

Jesus. That's kind of what it feels like.

Hey, Darth, you want to go grab a smoothie or something? Maybe take a walk? Just sort of walk some of this off? Because I hear just like low state. Don't touch me.

I'm still Darth Vader. I could still do horrible things, no matter how big I

am. My lord, I think you look wonderful as ever. Don't listen to them.

Papalteen. Papalteen.

Papalteen. Papalteen.

More Papalteen, please.