Ep 1: Butcher Shop

Yeah, I was just thinking, like, maybe, you know, how they do it in Seattle, we could throw a cut of meat.

Excuse me, fellas? Sorry. Oh, Howard. I don't mean to end her. I

don't mean to end her. Oh,

God.

Is

talking

that what you're

about?

Yeah, you started it pretty quickly with a big, full pig.

So I was thinking smaller, a couple smaller slices

first. Okay, all right. But I guess you're right. That is Seattle. They throw the whole fish. That's what they do. It's what we do. It's Pike's Place.

Pike's Place. Pike's Place. Pike's Place. That's right. Yeah. All right, Howard,

what you want? You want a quarter pound of roast beef again? Singular sandwich?

Is that what you're coming in?

Quarter pound roast. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Yeah. No,

fellas. Don't throw them one slice.

Did you catch those? I did. One, these are a bit too thin for what I like. You guys know I like it real thick.

Right, you want just one

slice. You want roast beef steaks? Quarter pound roast beef steak. But that's not why I'm here. I'm actually throwing a barbecue this weekend. So, invited the boys and a couple of friends from around town. Going to throw down with some brewskis and chips. And got some umbrellas in the backyard. Got some mowed the grass finally. It's going to be a really good

time. Can we get you some meat or what do you want? Well, that's why I come here. You know, you

guys are the meat guys. You said umbrellas? Yeah, I got a couple

umbrellas. For the drinks or just out in the yard? No, because you guys know all the trees in my backyard were torn. How did you get the lawn cut, by the way? That was, that hasn't been tended to in over a decade.

Yeah. Well, you know, I got, I borrowed a mower, broke that one.

That's what I heard. If you don't cut it for long enough, you can't, it's too strong to

cut.

You choked down the prison's lawnmower? That's one of the

strongest mowers in the county. I borrowed a mower from the prison.

I borrowed a mower from the prison and I did choke it down. That's a

government,

military mower.

Yes, it is military grade. Yeah, they said.

That mower was in Iraq for 10 years.

Nothing like a military mower.

Yeah, but

that? Well, they were cutting Saddam's grass. Absolutely. They got his

grass cut.

Because this shit was out of control.

Listen, we got to go over there and get some order in the area. We got to go there and get some crap. First thing America does, they import the culture.

Picket fences, mowed grass. We need democracy, mowed lawns. Mailbox. When you're selling your house, you got to have that little white thing with the swinging sign.

Yeah, yeah.

Saddam had that.

Saddam's house was on the market for so long.

It's 24. 21st century was selling

Saddam's house. It had, the kitchen was from 2002. That's not going to sell Saddam. It's not going

to sell Saddam.

Anyway, what do you need for your cue? Yeah, no. Well, I was thinking, you know, classic burgers and dogs. I would love to get a sort of sirloin mix. Maybe, you know,

70.

See, that's why I come to you guys. You know, you guys are the meat guys

around town. We can do anything you want.

Yeah? Well, what do you think would impress people who've chosen not to hang out with me for the last

15 years of my

life? Do you like gamey or not gamey? Define gamey. Are we talking, what does that mean?

Well, I'm about to pitch you, we throw some frog legs in the beef mix. Frog legs in the beef mix.

Yeah. Like, so ground up. Ground up. Yeah. So it'll be like ground chuck, brisket, frog legs,

chicken if you want it, beef, pork.

You know, that sounds adventurous. And I am trying to sort of get outside the box.

Okay. He

did it.

He did it.

He's going to be great. You can call these your six meat burgers. Yeah. Oh, that's a great sell.

Howard. We're kidding. You don't want that. What

are you doing? What do you mean? You're going to serve somebody a mix. You're going to have people over. You finally got the stumps out of your yard. You're going to serve them frog leg chicken, beef, pork, meat. I'm trying to do something interesting, you know, like a lot. The

reviews of most people. Go out of that door. Come back in and act like a real man who's coming into a meat shop who knows what he wants.

Okay. I think I'm acting like a real

man. Hit the bell hard.

Okay. Really have a reset.

Just don't. If you backed through the door. It's a nice little chime. We got the chime. Come through. Okay, fine. All right. Here we go. All right. I'll be right back. Oh,

sorry. You opened that door right into my chihuahua.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Jesus Christ, sir. Oh, Mark. Hey, Mark. Hey, guys. I'm sorry. Well, I guess chihuahua's on the menu.

Wait. It's not dead. Jesus. Oh, my God. It's not dead. It's not, but imagine if it was.

We typically do anything that dies around the shop. We will put it on the

Well, okay. We

menu.

jam it in. We

don't

put it on the menu. It's going

to cost me a pretty penny at the vet.

What are you going to get

done, do you think? What's that? What are you going to get done? He looks pretty okay. He looks like he just kind of got bumped by the door. He's a chihuahua

chaser.

He's a... I know.

Emotional damage.

Whiplash,

sure. He

for

said legs. You're going to get legs done?

does that mean? His leg and his legs are so skinny now.

What

I didn't hit him with the door and his legs got skinnier. But here's $50. That's all I've got on me right now.

All right. I'm not

testifying again

for this

chihuahua

stuff. Put all you go. I'm not doing a witness.

We're going to need security camera footage.

Oh, my God. You're not pulling the

camera footage

for this. For the beef.

Yeah. Ow. Jesus.

Sorry. You guys have a good day. Be careful. There's a lot of escaped prisoners out there. They cut through

through the tall grass. Oh,

no. They climbed up the tall grass and over the fence? Yeah, because they

haven't replaced the mower yet. So the

grass is kind of overgrown at the prison. You're not taking it back?

Well, I told him I'd fix it. And, you know, it's taken me a while to find a guy who can fix a mower. That's military grade, you know. And so it's kind of just been sitting in the

garage for a little bit. You need to contact one of the big companies.

John here? Pick up this foot of people. Palibert and whatever. Whoever makes the mower. Oh, yeah. This one is a Lockheed.

Oh, it's Lockheed Martin. It's Lockheed Martin. Those are good. Those are good. I mean, I saw it flying over the beach. The mower is completely stealth. It

too. Yeah, I

flies,

couldn't. I gave it a little.

Wait, Lockheed, didn't they make mowers for Desert Storm? Yeah.

Wow. Oh, yeah.

Wow.

Oh, yeah. You know, I thought these places, I never knew these places were covered in grass before they sent the mowers down there. Oh, first thing, before war, the first thing you got to do is go down there and get the yards in shape. And then you come back and you just.

Now that it's beautiful.

Guys, I honestly, I do not have all day to get this meat. So I can I can I really quickly.

Excuse us. Excuse

us.

Excuse us.

We're working on our commercial.

We're doing America's Got Talent. If the commercial goes well. We're leading with the commercial. If they love that, we're going to go do the commercial on air. More power to you guys.

The commercial is for the act. It's sort of an audition for the audition.

That sounds really fun. Come

in here. OK. Yeah. Boss us around. It's your meat. We're the butcher. It's an adversarial relationship between you and us. And go. OK, I'll do my best. OK, here we go. And we're going outside again. And here

we come.

Christ. My B's on frise. Sir, you're what? My B's on frise. Is that a dog?

It's a tiny toy. It's a small dog. I was just putting my chihuahua away. Sir, I want to let

you

know. Oh, my boy. Why are you taking out and putting away dogs so much right in front of the door?

Well, because if I walk them all at the same time, they go fucking nuts.

They don't go nuts in the car?

Well,

they do. But at least they're alone in there.

The car

is rolling over there. The dogs are going so crazy.

And can I just say, I didn't want to say anything before.

I'm not going to pay you for this because I saw a video on YouTube of an insurance scam that was you

walking your dogs in front of doors.

I know. I've seen the video. It's

like a Russian scam of like where people do insurance fraud with their cars, where they

slam on their brakes in front of a car. I know you're doing that. I've seen the video. I know. I know people are putting that video out there. Yeah. It's not real. It's

not real. One of your dogs is actually going to get hurt one of these days, and we're not going to come help it.

They are actually hurt.

You're both witnesses. You open that door like a bat out of - Like he said,

not witnesses technically. We are showing up in court. You're not. Also, I'll say your dog pretended to be hurt for a minute, but look at it. Now, it's relaxing down there. I can tell that it's not hurt. You taught it how to do this. It's dead. It's not playing dead. It's dead.

we are

its head. What are you putting your hand

out

it's dead, you going for money right away doesn't really make me feel like you care much about the dog. If you keep doing this, I'm going to come over to your house, cut the lawn, and then burn your house down.

Okay? Now, don't you bring your politics to my lawn. Okay? I

will start - It's a wreck all over again. Their lawns were fine. I will -

Their lawns were fine.

No. Yes. Those lawns were fucked. We are

all different

heights.

We all saw Colin Powell holding up

jetty images of

overgrown

lawns. It got people motivated, didn't it? Well, and he kept saying WMD is weeds of mass destruction.

That was the only good thing about the Iraq war. Bahia grass is an affront to my way of life. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. And it threatens the safety. You're not coming to my house. It's all crabgrass, and I let it grow tall.

And I like it that way. I'll come over there with Roundup in a second.

Don't

think I won't use

Roundup. And I think you mean I'll let it grow fat, because crabgrass is fat.

It's not

tall. It's the chode of grass. Give me a fucking break. You take a

fucking back. Easy, easy. By the way, hey, hey, fellas. Hey, hey, hey. We have chode on the menu. Okay?

We have cow penis. We have cow chode. Whatever you want. Let me just do apple sage chode, and I'll get the health. Get the apple out of here.

We

don't like to sort of flavor the chode. We just sort of slice it and roll.

Good day. All right. You should actually leave. Please leave. All right. Here we go. Back out of there. Back it out. And here we come. And

what's up, fuckers? Give me some beef. All right. You got it.

Shit, you

Bottom, of

course. Okay. And then I want a pound of maple smoked bacon. Okay. Okay. And then I want three. Mosquito non.

What's mosquito?

Flavor. Smoky flavor.

It's smoky flavor. It's mosquito.

Go outside.

Go outside. Okay. You don't know what mosquito? No, I was. I just. I know I've heard the word, but I couldn't tell you.

Do you think it was short for mosquito? I wasn't sure, but that was a possibility. Because sometimes it is. And sometimes

we do have

mosquito bacon.

I got killed by the mosquitoes last night, driving by all these lawns out here that are out of control, basically swamps.

Okay. I'm going

to step out. I think we

need a new

president.

No, this is where the presidents are decided, right in here.

I agree. Main Street. Yeah, Main Street. Main Street. Main Street. Yes. Okay. I'm going to step out. I'm going

to do it one more time. Come back. Here we go. Watch out. Watch out. I'm going to put on a new apron just in case. Okay. He's not out there. There you go. I don't think.

The car's gone. Is this your car? Your car backed over my Dalmatian. Oh, my God. Look how he's got the Dalmatian train.

It's

his

got

over by a car. This is actually a real trick that you should go to the circus with. That is.

That does look like it's been hit. That is impressive. It's sucking its stomach in like it got

actually filming something later. You want to get in on this filming? You have to pay, though.

flattened. We're

We're paying a college student. It's an exciting opportunity. What's it getting

us? What? Are you talking about

the commercial? Yeah. We're filming a commercial later.

We could really use your Dalmatian with the tire -shaped hole in his body.

What's the product?

The butcher shop.

Excuse me.

Welcome to Main Shop Butcher. Main Street.

So that's just a preview. That's

a preview. We haven't written it yet. It sounds like the set's going to be totally out

of control and disorganized.

It sounds like you guys are being so hard on us. We haven't written it yet. Give us a break. We were just... We have energy, so that's all that

matters. Oh, by the way, Howard, I'm having a barbecue. You should come.

When... What day? Not Saturday.

Saturday, yeah.

Okay.

Yeah, everybody's RSVP'd, yes. You

live across the street from

me, right? Shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dang.

Huh. You know, I'll say this. As a butcher, we often... We see this more

often. Competing, BBQ.

Yeah, a lot of people come in here for queues. They realize they got started way too late having bought a single product. The other guy's got a

bought your prod yet?

full barbecue. You haven't

Really fresh six weeks ago. All frozen. Really fresh. It was really fresh and then flash

frozen. Flash frozen. That's the best way to eat meat. Yeah. Yeah,

it's sort of frozen freezer in my place. That's... It's flash frozen. Like, you throw it into a room and it... It's a

flashback.

I would love to have you there, but I'd love to squash the beef. This is my third dog you've nearly killed. So I don't know if you want to take care of this in the courts. You said you want us to squash the beef? Sorry. I think that was y 'all's conversation. Sorry.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No need to

squash

the beef. I was really close. If

we're close. I like my beef squished, so I'm okay.

Oh, okay.

Well, this is... I have my beef already, so

I don't know. Oh, God. This is wasted. But it's so, Howard. I'd love to

not have to get the lawyers involved and all that stuff. If you just want to take care of my vet bills, I think the Dalmatian... They're expensive dogs. Really expensive. They're show dogs.

Yeah. Well, damn, man. Was that an invite to

your barbecue also? Sorry. Yeah,

man. This is a butcher shop.

Come

on. Was that an invite?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd love for you to be there.

Well, hell. I'd bring those big

shoes of yours, too.

What? My shoes? He's going to step on my dog's tail. I'll bring the shoes

of him.

You're making them

so litigious. You want them to wear big shoes?

It's a big shoe barbecue. Can I say something?

I think you hate dogs. A shoe barbecue?

Shit, I did barbecue.

I like them both. Wait. He's doing

a barbecue? You can do a shoe barbecue.

No, I don't want to compete. You know what? What

about

bar or shoe

queue? Bar shoe queue.

Bar beef queue. I think

that's the one where you don't let Roseanne come, right? Shoe.

Barbeeshoe.

All right.

What is it? I got to roll my

dog's on death's door. I got to go straight to the vet. I guess we'll be handling this in the court of law. Oh, my God. If I have to go to

court one more time. I won't. I'm done at court. I'm done. I feel like everybody at the Butcher, when they come here, they expect us to be their most trusted source in town. We're the people who they come to do for the truth. That's the problem. We're the people who they poll on what the election's going to

be. We do too good on the stand. We kill on the

stand. We crush. I think

it's because I don't mind being around a dead body. Human or animal. And we make them bring it into the court. Yeah. So live bodies mean nothing to me. I don't care about

any of your judgments.

Right.

We know, fellas, I think I'm actually just going to pass on the meat

today.

Yeah, I'll be honest. I haven't had people over to my house since I've been a grown adult. Grown adult?

Yeah, I was just looking forward to sort of breaking the seal.

I mean, maybe you should just have a small

dinner party or a game night instead of a full, you know, manning a grill,

making sure

everybody's fed, the timing is correct. You know, it's big. Maybe go to the barbecue.

And then I'll just invite a couple people from over

there. Or an after party. An after party at my place. I wouldn't take people from the party to a new party. That's kind of

rude. Well, just offer an after hang. Great. And

so I'll probably need some charcuterie or something like that for that.

So I guess maybe I can still buy some from you guys today. All right. What do you want? Shoot.

You want

some prosciutto? Okay, you've already paused too long. Go out the door. Come back

in. Come in strong with charcuterie. Okay. All right. Here we go. Backing out here. Ding, ding.

My daughter! No, no, no. Oh, my God. You did actually hurt

his daughter. Oh, my God. She's hurt. She's hurt bad.

She's hurt. That's a girl when she's bleeding. She's hurt bad. That's a bleeding girl. Oh, my God. Oh, my fucking God. Honey, sir.

Howard. You can tell he means it this time.

Hey.

If I was you, I'd say. We're not insured. We're not insured. That's

okay.

She doesn't have insurance? No.

She doesn't have

a job.

But I think kids have insurance automatically.

That's kind of your job. If they're on their parents' insurance. Yeah. Oh, you don't have insurance?

Well, I do. I can't have freeloaders.

She's a defendant.

Do you use your insurance a lot? Do you use your insurance a lot? Well, if I don't end up in court, yeah. Oh, my God. Now we know about that. Guys, please.

My daughter. Sir, can you? I don't have any more cash. But I think she's knocked out. Do you know mouth to mouth? Me? Yes.

I'm too uncomfortable with the idea

of

getting

What is this?

Trying to

make it make out with your daughter? You need to stop using your love of things or people.

It's not my daughter. It's an old call girl I hired to pretend to be my daughter. Okay. Much better.

old. Like you've used her before?

She's

Right.

Oh, I have your order. Hang on. One

second. Darth. My man. What up, brother? Come on in. Darth. What'd you order again? 20 ounces pork.

20 ounces

pork.

Yeah, I got that.

I got that. All

right.

DV.

DV. DV, I just assumed ground because you just said pork.

Yes. Okay. And a pork.

Yes. Good. Very good, DV. How is everything? Are you still fucking around with your son? Yeah, you doing some pork dogs for you guys? I'm sorry. I'm pitiful. Get together.

What day?

Saturday. Oh, fuck Howard. And

Shuman. Wait, what? Darth Vader.

Mark?

Is that you? Darth Vader. You're throwing a barbecue on Saturday

as well? Oh, don't get in a fight with Darth Vader. Yes. Have you got anything to say about it? Oh, my God. Use the force on Howard, DV. Damn.

he's got Howard on that. Easy. Easy Howard. DV. DV. DV. DV. DV. DV. This guy fucking rolls.

Oh,

I will testify for DV that he did nothing

wrong. Excuse

me.