Ep 8: Car Auction

Hey there, folks. Welcome to the Hamilton Car Auction. Got a few beautiful vehicles up for auction today. Really excited for you to see what we've got in store. First up, we've got a 1975 Chevy Camaro.

Pass!

well, hold on. Let me say a little bit about the car. It's got 175 ,000 miles on it. Next one!

Okay,

Okay. We're Ford boys! Okay, well...

Pissing on a Chevy! Okay, well... Decal!

That little guy pissing on a Chevy. Okay, well, we do have to give this car an opportunity. I know you guys don't seem interested, but there are other people who might be. So if there's anybody here, again, it's got 175 ,000 miles on it. Brand new, reupholstered interior. $1. Okay, bidding starts at $1. Do I have $2? $2.

Probably not. $2. Anybody in here? $2. $0 .50. Okay, that's not how it works.

No, no, I'll give it to him. Okay, going down.

$0 .50. $0 .50. Is there a reserve on this thing? Are you going to let it go for any price, or is there a lowest price? We can't even get it for it. No, this whole auction is no reserve

auction. No reserve? These cars are... $0 .15. Okay, $0 .15. We've got $0 .15. Going once. We've got $0 .15.

Just to clarify, you're selling it to the cheapest bidder?

I just want to know. Well, it didn't seem like the $1 bidder wanted it too bad, so we went with $0 .50.

Well, I do need a car for my son. Is there... I didn't get the pamphlet. Do I get to know what cars are coming up, or are they getting

better or worse? It's a blind auction. It's a blind auction. We don't know exactly what we're going to get

until we get it. Oh, I shouldn't be here. I shouldn't be here. Sir,

we know you can see. Yeah,

can see. I thought it was offensive, by the way, to say that we have to come pretending to be blind.

we know you

That isn't the invitation or

the event? Okay, thank God. Good for you, then. Yeah. Good for you. I misunderstood. Good for you.

All right. You went pretty big with the costume.

I thought part of... If we tied on a bid, whoever had the better costume got it, so I just

wanted to go realistic. It's not a costume contest. Good!

Good! I was confused. Is that 175K city or country or highway? Or residential? That's not how the miles are calculated.

How many speed bumps this thing go over? Let us know the speed bump. I retract my 15 -cent bid until I know the bump level.

Okay, well, we're back up to 50 cents. And as far as I know, the transmission and suspension and all the internals in the car still do work. The owner of the

car... Is that Bubo's old Camaro? This is Bubo's Camaro. I've been in that thing. As you all know,

Bubo died. 50 bucks!

50! Bubo, you can't buy your own

car back, Bubo. Why? They took

me?

it from

Bubo!

50 bucks! Bubo! Bubo! You're

in Chapter

11, Bubo! Yeah, I know! I'm the one who confiscated the thing. Well, hey, if I can get it for 50, I want it. Damn, this is tough for Bubo. Yeah.

And look, the bylaws do not say that we can do it. We just took it from him. Let Bubo have his car back. I guess we do have to honor Bubo's $50 bid. $50 for Bubo's

Camaro 2, Bubo. Wait, wait, can I do less? Can I do 50

cents?

Bubo, I don't even think you

can afford 50.

Bubo's... Come on, help me out with lunch. Someone give me some lunch.

Bubo, do a handstand real quick. Let me see if any money falls out of your

pocket. For what? I told you. Jing -a -ling -a -ling? Yeah.

Oh, jing -a -ling -a -ling.

What was that,

Bubo? I had a bunch of change in there.

It all fell out jing -a -ling -a -ling, and also my ding -a -ling -a

-ling, baby. Bubo, you can't. Bubo's still on his

hands.

Got his hug coming out. I'll sell you these overalls. They got a bunch of pins on it. They got to be worth something.

Well,

you know, you could add those to the transaction. I'd say those are worth about $5.

All right, I'll change the overalls to the car. Sorry, sorry. I'm a little late. Who's the $50 to right now?

Bubo. That's you, Mr. Buford Bonham. Yes. You've been served.

No! Good luck!

I haven't even got the car yet. Bubo, you cannot be... You keep getting served anytime somebody walks in who we've never seen in this town before. Don't

get close to them, Bubo. It's not my fault. It's Visa. Visa keeps letting me spend.

Well, Bubo, you have to... Wait, hang on. Was this for financial?

What's that? Was this for financial?

This is financial,

yes. Yeah, that's Visa.

Bubo... Call Visa. Visa. We don't have another bid on the car, and there is nothing in the firewall. Call Visa. You want your money? There's a collection agency after you.

Okay, well,

Call Visa. I'll tell them. Honey, speak up. You wanted this car so bad. Speak up. These guys are barely taking it seriously. Throw in a bid. You wanted a Camaro your whole life, honey.

This is your chance. $50 .50.

That's my boy.

Okay. We don't like this guy.

Look at those people standing 200 yards back.

Honey, get

closer.

I don't think he said they don't like you. There's no way they said that right away. No, we hate this guy.

hate this guy. Please, my honey has never bid on anything. He's so unconfident. You won't bid. No, I'm moving away. I'm running away.

We

Whoa, he's fast. He's fast.

Cloud of dust. A flash -style zoom -off? $200 on the fast guy. What?

Sir, you

on a... Are we betting on sort of horses now, but with fast men? Okay, well, we got a $50 bid for the car for Bubo. Obviously, I want to bet on the flash

can't bid

guy. Okay.

Well, we got a $200 bid that the flash guy wins the car, and we have a $50 bid on the car. Here we go, Flash guy! Here we go, Flash guy! Here we go, Flash guy! Oh, my God.

I got $200 on slow man. Bubo.

Bubo. Stop. That's me. I'm slow man. Who wants to take this bet?

We can't, Bubo. Is it the winner of the race?

Or is it tortoise rules? How do you turn profit?

Is it slow and

Wait, who's slow man? Slow man is Bubo. You're Bubo? Yeah. You've been

steady rules?

served. Bubo! I've got to stop admitting who I am because Visa won't cut me off. MasterCard either. Neither Discover. I've got lots of cards.

All right. Well, look. We have a $50 bid to Bubo for the car. The Flash man ran

away. I don't think we can take his bid because he ran away. Or you could bet on slow man for $1 ,000. Bubo.

Or any number. You know what? I'm just going to go ahead and say $50 going once, twice. Never mind. Okay. We're back. Oh, he pulled a never mind

on you. I'm a whiplash.

Liable. Liable. Liable.

Tell him.

Liable. Yeah, you're liable.

You have to hit that sold. I was starting to cheer and you stopped it. I hurt my neck. No, that's not

how it works, guys. Hey, that's how liability works. What am I liable for?

It's like cooties. You're

liable. You got

cooties.

Wait. What does that mean? You gave me whiplash. You have to commit to sold. After going twice, once that gavel's coming down, we're all about to cheer.

So if you stop sold.

You almost broke my new friend's neck.

Thank you, man. Bubo. Dave, nice to meet

you. Oh, no, don't do it. You're concerned, man. Bubo. Bubo. Bubo. You said

new friend, Bubo. He was so convincing. Hey, you got to talk to MasterCard for me, my man. They will not cut me off.

will. I will. I'll play both sides. Okay, good. I'll play both sides. See, this is my new friend

I

right here. I got you covered, Bubo. He's going to talk to MasterCard for me. Bubo, you just need to go home and shut the door and don't answer it. Why? You cannot answer the door. You need to go home.

No, I'm going to hit Costco on the way. Why? Because I just got a fresh card. I haven't even taken the

sticker

And I'm

off yet.

going to get one of those hot tubs

for the roof.

Bubo, you can't use your

Costco card. What do

you want at Costco, Bubo?

A hot tub to put on my roof.

No. Yes. It's inflatable. So if you inflate it, not all the way. It goes over anything.

No, Bubo.

Yes. Your roof is in bad shape. Don't put any weight up there. The hot tub plugs the hole and is the tub.

Get a

tarp and put no water on top, Bubo. The hot tub is made of a tarp. That's the same plastic material. Plus, it gets hot. It's a bonus. That's not where you want your heat coming from. No one's really cooking in there anyway underneath.

Bubo.

Why are you talking to me like you're my father? We don't know who he is. Bubo, I have news for you. No.

You've been served.

I'm not your father, but you have been

Sorry.

served. I've been trying to serve you this whole time. This is 10 services today.

been getting serviced so much, Bubo.

You've

I cannot stop getting served. And I keep getting tricked to say who I am.

Well, look,

fella, I have to get this under control, okay? Move the Camaro on. Well, we have to go with the $1 bid, which was the first bid we got. That is now the bid that is in the lead, I

believe. Yes!

It was you, Travis. So $1.

Oh, yeah! Going to Travis. Going once. Going twice. And sold. Yes, Travis.

Whiplash.

Congrats. Why did

you have lip whiplash?

I was happy to win. Well, he thought you were going to stop. Like, you've been stopping all day, and you went right through.

No, Travis, you get the Camaro now for $1. We only have this lot for an hour, guys. I really need us to sort of speed through these next couple. So if people can get their money prepared, get their ideal bids in mind, we'll kind of crash through the next few. And speaking of crash, we've got a 1986 Cadillac

here. Oh, my God. Miss

Henderson's Cadillac? This is Miss Henderson's

Cadillac. There's still blood on it. Jesus! It's fresh from the wreck.

The

wreck? Yes, of course. This was self -planned, wasn't it? Wasn't it self -planned?

It was suey. She put a brick

on the pedal and ran herself into the garage.

This is a real low, low, even for you, man.

Selling

Miss Henderson's suey car for parts. I think she's a little piece of her in there still.

A beast?

Miss Henderson's brought in the

wheel. I don't even think she's dead yet. Cadillacs do not have a hood ornament like this. What is this? Save her! Call an ambulance. Call an ambulance. Save her! I

thought you wanted to go. That's right. Do not resuscitate.

Do not resuscitate. I forgot. Somebody call it.

Miss Henderson's alive. Never mind. Do not resuscitate. Wait, so you just want the ambulance to come and give you a $20 ,000 bill?

Booba, don't get close. Booba, do not get

close. Booba,

I promise I'll

do not get close.

call it for you. What am I saying? My last word to you. That's Booba, Miss Henderson. You've been serious.

No, Miss Henderson. Oh, at least she died.

Oh, my God. At least she died. Your final act was serving you, Booba. I can't believe she fucked me like that.

At least she's dead. What an asshole. That did kind of recontextualize her death. We're kind of okay with it

now. Why does she care so much about her job? Booba, you're

likable. What does

she get?

What does she get? $200 for serving me? And she's dead. How are you likable, Booba?

Everybody likes me. Come on. I can't stop. You know I can't stop because the spending is all for

the children. A man in debt is so lovable. All right, Booba.

Well, now I'm a push. I'll buy the card for parts. Me, Travis. Okay, Travis, what's your bid? It's

a dollar. $1. $50.

$50? Yeah. All right, we got a bid for $50 from Miss Henderson. Can I put it on the card? No, Booba. Booba. You

can't put it

on the

card, Booba. Stop

saying my name like it's a full sentence. You got to say something. You can't just say my name and expect you get what I'm

supposed to get. Bennett Bonobos? What was your name?

Y 'all

don't even know me. Buford Bonobos. Buford Bonobos. You've been

served. No! No, especially when they say your full name, Booba. Booba

knows we're not serving you. I forgot that's why I go by

Booba. It's to save yourself. It's the perfect disguise. If somebody doesn't call you Booba, they're here to hurt you. You're right.

You're right. I appreciate that. Honey, tell them that that car is your inheritance. They can't just sell it. Miss Henderson is your grandma.

Okay, okay, okay. Tell them, honey.

Hey, excuse me.

Oh, my God. The fast guy's back. Jesus! God, someone should have put a bet on him. Is he so fast because he's like scared of humiliation?

Yes. That's what his thing is, yeah.

From anxieties. Performance anxiety. Yeah.

Whoa. I can speak as his partner. I wish he was that fast and bad. I've got performance anxiety.

You want fast? You want fast? Like movement or finishing fast? Finishing. We're

in there for

days. It

feels like. Not really. That's crazy. He's got anxiety performance rather than performance

anxiety. He's got anxiety performance. Exactly. That's what I need to tell him.

That's exactly right. What's the difference? When you get anxious, you perform at a top -notch, higher

level than you ever have. Oh, you rise to the nerve. I'm going to tell him you named that. Who should I give that credit to?

Bubo.

You've been served. Wait, who? Who? Oh, this one is the Subway Sub Club.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Bubo.

Don't do it, Bubo.

Sorry. Buford Hamsterberg.

There you go. Nice to meet you.

Buford Hamsterberg.

Is your last name Hamsterberg? Did I just say the real one? You've been served.

No!

You've been served. God! That was from a long time ago. That's your

first last name.

That was my first

persona. Hamsterberg. From the Hamsterbergs? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Wow. The Hamsterbergs. My dad's the famous murderer. They owned almost nearly all of the hamster cages, Rockefeller Avenue in

the Hamster Cages. Yeah, that was a crazy time.

Did you say he was a famous murderer?

Uh -huh.

No,

what he was saying.

I know

I got to stop it and serve. Let's bid on more cars.

Yeah, we have a $1 bid to Travis for Mrs. Henderson's murder or suicide Cadillac.

Do you have any other bid? You can call it both. It's an MS. Yeah, murder.

I guess so. She did kill her husband also with this scarf.

there? Well, let's open the trunk and see. Oh,

Oh, is he in

an

ambulance. Oh,

my God. Oh, my God.

Okay, he doesn't want to be dead. He doesn't want to. We need to help him. We need

to help him. Wait. No, call them on the phone. They don't respond to the sound out of your mouth. Call them

on the phone. Okay, I guess I made a mistake. I can't

do anything right. Hey, I'm calling 911. Hold on one second. Thank you. Hello? Hi, is this 911? Yeah, it is. Hi. What will you have? Well, first, I guess a sloppy chalupa with no staples. Hurry! And then Mrs. Henderson's husband's in the trunk here. She tried to MS, but he's alive. She's dead. But she served Bubo right before she died.

Okay. Making him more likable. She served who? Bubo. Who's that?

I have

Me.

serve. No! No!

to

I have lost my mind. I can't. Guys, everybody in here who's here to serve Bubo, do

it all

right now so we can get one final

huge Bubo I've been served noise. Is this a fucking sting?

Are you in on this? Are you stinging me? I don't know. It depends. Who

are you?

Who's here to serve Bubo? You've been served. Jesus! Every

hand in the room up. All right. Three, two, one. You've been served.

Serving myself. God damn it. God damn it. I'm serving myself.