Ep 5: Morning Radio Station

Good morning and welcome to Hamilton 98.3 The Ham. Hamilton's only morning radio show that goes between classic rock music, modern top 40, and songs submitted by you, the listener.

Rick, how was your night last night?

Are you okay?

That was a great intro. That was great.

You were out last night. Was it cheap trick? Well, no, it was expensive trick. Unfortunately, it was an

overpriced. Well, it was cheap trick,

but it cost you a little more than you thought it was going to. I got tricked in an expensive way at the cheap trick show. I thought it was going to be kind of a radio tie -in, but unfortunately I was paying full price for beers. The band, similar to in a gentleman's establishment, in order to talk to the band, you had to buy them a drink.

Right. You got roped into the after show hang.

Yes. Which we thought, because you are a DJ in a market, maybe you would get back there with the guys, get to hang out, and be like, we play your music. I'd love to shake your hand. But no, you had to play by the same rules as all the other fans. The same rules as all the schmucks out there. No offense to all you out there, but you're not

me. Well, that's what we call our fans.

You

schmucks. You all know what you are. What up, schmucks? Yes. I ended up getting pretty hammered because I was kind of stuck in a corner with the band's reps. Right. Yes. And I couldn't make conversation. I don't make good conversation with industry. Right. And so I just kept getting one vodka Red Bull after another. Cut to 5 a .m. I cannot sleep a wink. Oh, my gosh. You do not do well. You don't typically have a caffeine afternoon, and you had multiple Red Bulls.

This is, what is it, 10 p .m.? Yeah. I was probably on my 10th to 15th Red Bull. I had moved on to vodka monsters.

Oh, my

gosh. Soda. Vodka monsters? So you're mixing two different caffeine sodas and with no alcohol. You were nervous. Say you were nervous to meet Alan

Swizzle, the main singer. Not lead, main.

The main singer. The way Cheap Trick does it, which I love, is they don't have a leader. They have a main guy.

Right. They have the second course, and they have the appetizer singer, and then the dessert singer. It's a five -course rock band, if you will.

And the actual concert is nice, but you're

spending the big bucks. And, of course, what happens, my adoptive daughter is there and gets in before me. Oh, no. You're both. Okay. Yeah. And she's currently not speaking with you. Not to air

that out in front of the schmucks. Right. I feel like we do a lot of pre -production stuff about, like, Justin Baldoni.

Yes. That's what we're going to talk about. But we're right on. We get right. You know what? I'm so sorry. You've had a long night. Why don't we catch up with Bob, who is in the sky, who's giving us a little bit of a traffic update

right now. That's right. And you can give yourself a break. I apologize. If you're on the 73 right now, we got Bob in the sky right above it. Bob. I'm kidding.

I'm

Right. We know it's pretty quiet in the helicopter. I'm kidding. And you miss. Yeah. Ever since you got that sound deadening in there. That's right. It's a little too quiet. It doesn't feel like yourself up there. You said it used to be too loud. Now it's a little too quiet for me.

kidding.

Anyway. What's the 73 looking like up

there? The 73 is jam packed just like every other morning, folks. Looks like we've got a 13 car pile up just off the 13. Yeah. 13 cars.

Wow. We have never had an accident on the

73 and now we've jumped to 13 cars.

Yeah. That's bad. I've said it again. Once you're the Ford's or fifth car in a pile up, it's your fault again.

What? What? What's the what? It seems to be the car. Jesus. 14 car pile up on the 73. Just. Oh, my God. There's no. 15 car pile

up. Somebody's got to get down there. It seems like sound dampening. People can't even see over the hill. I don't care.

No snow. 16 car pile up. No snow. No, no visibility problems. What's going

on down there? I don't care. I just heard an I don't care. These last two. Somebody saw the 14 cars. These last two have been people driving on the overpass overlooking the accident.

Oh, driving off on top of

the accident.

Piling on top.

Yeah.

What's going on? Is this is this some sort of like caffeine related thing? That's the only thing I can think of is cheap trick last night serving up monster and Red Bull.

Well, I will say, you know, I'm high up in the air, so I can't I can't get a great look, but it does look like the ground may be littered. 17 accident. 17.

18 car pile up. 17.

Yeah,

that's right. How did

that happen?

That's not even possible.

Yeah. That person just opened up their their their trunk and backed it. It looks like they actually dumped a bunch of monster energy drink out of their trunk.

Yeah. OK, so now we see it. Look like it looks like this may be an incident of a few people. Over -caffeinated anger? Over -caffeinated anger from the Cheap Trick concert. I do see from here a few cars with sort of car paint on the windshields that say Cheap Trick or bust. Expensive Trick, I bust. Hold on. Cheap Trick or bust?

Or bust. Okay. Cheap Trick or bust. And then what was the other one? Expensive Trick, I

bust.

Expensive Trick, I bust.

Is there any punctuation in that one?

That's confusing. We need to dig

down on

this. Expensive Trick,

I bust. Is this a paint pick of some sort? I'm going to fly my bird down a little closer and see if I can get a

better look at it. Get close. Is this a bit of a big fin dom?

Are you worried about my sign?

Sam Weatherman there.

Sam

Get in there close and get the mic right up to him. Get in there as close as you can with

the helicopter. Drop the mic down. Don't worry about my car. It was a lease. It was brand new. Sam, can you hear us? We're dropping none of my... Oh my God. Which helicopter

is this?

This is 98.3, the HAL.

The HAL.

Oh, cool. I hear you. What's up, guys? Sam, you're no stranger to car accidents. What seems to be happening down there? I'm absolutely geeked and trying

to come from the expensive trick concert. Okay, so the I bust is about

climaxing. Well, I was just about to bust and that's why the accident happened.

I got too excited and I swerved backwards. Okay, so people are masturbating in the cars. They're about to bust and that's why they're

crashing. Hey, hey, hey. Don't tell the school or any school or

employer. This is already straight live. You're,

you've already... You are straight live, Mr. Weatherman. Come on. That's Sam Weatherman out there asking us not

to tell the school. Pull up, pull up.

Pull

up. Have him let go. I know it's a ladder with the mic on it, but have him let go of that. Back down. Back down. Drop Sam.

Sam.

Back down.

Drop

Oh! He landed on a big pile of boxes,

so I think he's okay. Are you seeing a feed somewhere? Can you just know from hearing all

this? I heard that, and it sounded like boxes

to me. It was. Confirmed from the

helicopter. I can't confirm. It does look like Sam fell from about 30, 35, 40 feet, landed on a pile of empty monster energy drink boxes. Here comes the ambulance. Is the ambulance on the way? I'm fine. I'm fine.

That's

20 car pile up, 19 car, one ambulance pile up. 19 car, one ambulance. No, that's our one town ambulance.

That's going to hurt. Oh, one of the guys from Cheap Trick. What's up, guy? Why are you in the ambulance?

I did too much partying last night.

Oh, me too, brother. Do you have any of those monster Red Bulls?

Man, I am in an ambulance. I just don't really want to chat right

now. Come on, let

me get your autograph,

brother. Looks like I left the mic hanging out, and it sounds like the mic may have sort of fallen into the ambulance. Leave it in there.

Leave it

there. All

in

This is interesting. Usually, I'll sound like a woman's breast, but that's what you want? Or is that why you're squeezing those together there? A -cut getting squeezed together for a sign.

right.

Hey, I know they're just A's, but they're nice. Just put them together. And

they're nice. Wow,

Just

yeah.

A's. We love A's at 98

.3. We

love A's. I'm really feeling like I should yank the mic out of the air. Leave it. Leave it. We got some A's getting squeezed

together. Getting

soft.

You've got a nice, soft signature. That felt real

nice. Let me throw some lipstick

on. Give it a little quick kiss right there. Damn. You had some in your front pocket. Stay there. Stay. Hey, you want to

close these back doors and see what happens? Sir, he's coding. He's coding, sir. I'm trying to.

Never mind. Be careful. Be careful. If he

busts,

we might be in trouble again. Get this mic

out of here. Get this mic out of here. I'm trying to bust.

No, of

course.

Stay there for

both of them busting. You're cool if I bust.

Keep the helicopter going with the car.

Are you cool if I bust? It's way too early. It's way too

early. Okay, so let her bust. Just say no.

Let her bust. It's too

early. It's too early.

Are you cool if I do it? Keep hovering. Eventually.

So we're in love or whatever.

Like, this is good. I'm in love or whatever. Stay up there. Stay hovering. They're pulling my helicopter. They're not.

We're in here with

wouldn't move so fast, but I was just coding. So I will say this, sir. I do. I think we are in love right now. I think I'm a little bit tired and a little bit geeked. And boy, am I attracted to your talent.

cop. Normally, I

Uh -oh. This might go bad. I wrote a thing on my car window, an expensive trick I bust because I'm trying to bust. But

most people don't get. So you were trying to bust before you got in here even. Well, I mean, that's why I was trying to get to the show or like why I went to the show, but I didn't bust at the show. So I was just, I was still kind

of. That blanket is for me. Take that blanket off of

you. You're right. You're right. Here. Slide over.

Should we pull

How

are we feeling? I think I

away?

might. How are we feeling? It might be time to yank the mic. Get this mic out of

here.

Well, thank you so

Wow.

much to our eye in the sky there. That was very interesting. Our eye in the sky brought to you by Lens Clafters. Lens Clafters. They're clunkier than regular content. But boy, can you see.

Look,

Or maybe it's a new little tie -in. Lens Clafters will make you bust. That could be it. Now, folks, we are moving on to our next segment. Oh, no. Your cell phone, it says stepdaughter. Shit. All right. Let me

just turn my mic off. We thought we were going to do Baltoni. Handle this. Let me just turn my mic off. All

right. Hello?

Dad, mom's fucking pissed. Leave the mic there.

Dad, mom is pissed. Well, I'm pissed, too. I don't call you every time I'm pissed.

She's pissed about the way you're being on air. You can't. She

can't. If she wants to talk to me, have her fucking talk to me.

You shouldn't be talking to me like this. I report everything to her.

Well, have her talk to me, okay? You know what? I'm pissed. All right? I did the whole marinade on that tuna last night. And I come home, 5 a .m., absolutely geeked. No tuna left in the fridge. You ate all the

tuna. The marinade was too good. We knew that was for you. I know we saw your message and said, don't touch it at all. But the marinade was too good.

What was that?

Cornflakes and honey

on tuna? Cornflakes, honey, balsamic, and soy sauce.

Why cornflakes at all?

Because then I'm eating it at 5 a .m., so it's a little breakfast and

a little tuna. The crust doesn't go in the

marinade. Keep the mic there.

Mom's fucking pissed about how you're being. She said you shouldn't talk like that anymore. Don't say bust on the air.

If someone busts, I have to say bust on the air.

She also said this better not be on the air again. Whenever I call, it's always on the

air. She's pissed off at you. I turned my mic off, okay? It's fine. All right. This is my job, all right? If you're going to date a public figure, marry a public figure, you're going to have to deal with public figure issues.

You have to tell everybody that you're married to mom. You keep saying dating, and all the schlubs are getting pissed. Or they're getting like, they think they have a chance.

Schlubs, of course, are the enemies of the podcast. The schmucks are the fans.

The schmucks are

thrilled.

The schmucks are thrilled. The schlubs are pissed.

Look, I have to go on the air. Are we still on for me picking you up after school today? Are we

still on? That depends. Is the ice cream embargo lifted? You wouldn't let me get ice

cream ever. Don't describe it as an embargo.

It's not an embargo. You don't describe it that way. It's what you said.

Well, it's a slight embargo until you eat dinner, and then we'll lift the embargo. But you can't be too full for dinner every night. Okay.

Just make us dinner tonight, not just a marinade.

Welcome back to 98.3. That was Ozzy Osbourne crazy train twice. All right. How are you feeling?

Unwell. We took a little break. Unwell. You know what I want to do is have people call in with their hangover tips.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Does anybody take any vitamins before they go to drink? Is it just a Gatorade the next morning? Give us a call. Let us know what your hangover tips are. Now, I know you, Devastating Dave. I've always been a wine guy.

I have been a wine guy.

You've got

your cellar. I've got my cellar. I have grapes. And, you know, there's nothing worse than a wine hangover. It'll really knock you out. You'll be puking pretty much immediately. So I am in desperate need of these because I love my wine. I love smelling it. I love swishling it around. And I love sipping it and sucking it

on down. And this is just for Dave.

If you have any morning of tips for how to get the wine off your lips and tongue, that would be very helpful. I drink a lot of red. Teeth are constantly stained. Very porous mouth and lips. Yes, hangover tips.

Hi, is this straight live? It's straight live. You're straight live right now on 98.3. They just cleaned up all of the cheap trick or bust. Expensive trick. Eye bust. It's all cleaned up and the 73 is going. How are you? I'm doing pretty good. I heard you guys asking for hangover tips, right? Yes,

You hear a lot about vitamin supplements and dehydration amplifiers,

sir.

stuff. But that's not the stuff that works for me. The stuff that usually works for me is I wake up. First thing I do, I bust. Okay. So come quick on top. My fucking stepdaughter is going to kill me.

that kind of

I find if I bust once or twice before noon or so, the hangover kind of goes away. You just got to find a funnel, all that sort of negative energy, and just bust a couple of times and you'll be good to go.

Okay. So you come a couple of times up top. Any marinade tips?

Yeah. I would say usually it depends on what you're going for. But if it's like a tuna, I would say it's probably like cornflakes, soy sauce,

balsamic.

It's a little bit. When do the cornflakes go in the marinade?

Well, it depends on when I'm going to eat the tuna. If I'm going to eat it in the morning, then I want it to kind of be

breakfast.

And you're going to bust? You're going to get up, bust, and then eat the tuna? Yeah. I usually eat the tuna before I bust.

And are we doing canned albacore or fresh ahi sushi grade?

You know, it depends on how the gig work has been going that month, how much money is in the bank account. If I can afford fresh ahi, I'll always go for that.

And last question. You sporting some lens clafters? Lens clafters? Give me a blink right now.

That's the lens clafter

grant. Brought to you by lens clafters.

All right, guys. We're going to take a quick break. Oh, actually, never mind. Never mind. Hello? Hi. Just wanted to call about busting

to feel better in the morning.

I

Hey, guys. Guys, that was a really great segment. Good

job. Good job. Thanks. I'm pretty

winded. Are we

fired?

Are you kidding me? Ratings are way up. Thank you guys for bringing, reigning in some of the nasty talk. This

is my worst PG episode yet, I would say.

Yeah, we've been really

trying to

bump.

That 90s stern bump. Like the rule we stated says, as long as they're gross first, you can repeat it as many times as you want to, but you guys are doing a great

job of not meeting with nasty. Good,

good, good, good. Lens Clafters called.

Okay. They said they like

the ads. They do want to hear you guys talk a little bit more about lenses. They want to hear you talk

a little bit more about you wearing them, your experience with them. How thick they are, how good we can't see.

Yes. And remember, they're contact lenses, but you can't close your eyes.

They're basically glasses. They're glasses that you stretch your

eyelids. I know how it

works. Okay. All right. Have a great day. I'll be back. Thank you.

Thank you. And we're interrupting right now. Did you hear about the Midnight Rider? I heard about the painful blinker. That's the Lens Clafters promise. And I just wanted to say that I myself wear these anytime I'm watching baseball on the television. The reason is that the worst part about watching a baseball game is when you have to blink

and re -wet your eyes. The thing with the Lens Clafters is one of the reasons they're so thick is they re -wet your eyes for you.

They have a system of— Personal irrigation.

Personal irrigation. Of course, the drip system is always getting fucked up. It's getting stepped on. It's getting kicked.

It's getting deep. Our big problem right now with the personal irrigation for the Lens Clafters is hose kinks. We're always dealing with hose kinks. I've never gotten a good hose. So if we can find somebody out there making auxiliary part—because this is not a Lens Clafters.

Bring, bring,

bring, bring, bring. Well, it looks like we've got a

call. Thank you so much for being right on the phones there, you guys. Hi. Hangover tip or bust in the morning after liquids

today? I heard you guys are looking

for a hose supplier. Yes, we are.

Yeah, well, I got a big old hose in my pants. Okay.

Ready to bust first thing in the morning.

Nice.

Great. So you're going

to—and what's the tip here? Hey, where are you? Where are you right now?

Wouldn't you like to know?

You're damn right. This is the third

time I've been

promised— Is that your wife? Who is this? Who is that?

Who is this? Say your first and last name. We're straight live. Say it. Don't tell him. Don't tell him.

Oh, I think I hear your daughter, Stip. It's Melissa.

Melissa, god damn it, honey. God damn it, honey. You call in and prank me on the air. You know the thing I need the most is an unkinking hose. You've now pranked me three times and gotten my hopes up just to have a hose in your pants.

Well, one of us has to have a hose in their pants, if you know what I mean.

On the air? On the air? You say that on the air for the whole world to see it straight live?

Listen. Show your dick right here right now. Live on air.

I don't have to debase myself to do that. I don't have to debase myself to do that,

all right? Just be—if there's one person's word you should be taking, it's not my wife's. It should be mine.

Okay. Guys, guys, guys. Lens Clafters called. They want to see the penis. They want you to pull out the penis.

Well, now that I have my brand new Lens Clafters lenses in and I can't blink at all and I'm never going to miss a thing, I'm going to stare right at your crotch and get a good look at this hog. Go ahead. Okay. Better one? Go back to two. Better two. I think better two.

I'm doing two. Better shaft or better balls?

I think better balls.

Oh, okay. So now better two or better three?

Okay. Better pubes, better tip. I guess better tip.

Better three, better four?

Okay. Better veins. Better uncircumcised skin. I guess better veins. Okay. Better four. Lens Clafters. I hate this. They don't like this.

They asked for it. They asked for it.

I don't know what they want. They just want it better.

Okay.

All right, let's cut this. So we're going to cut to an advertisement from one of our favorite sponsors, the local zoo.

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That's

the sound of a fart from Mark.

The zoo.

All right, guys. So go down to the local zoo. They have lost their lion license, but they did get Mark. All right.