Ep 4: Color Me Mine

All right, class, welcome in. We're so excited to have everybody on this Sunday session. Thank you for being here. We are here at Color Me Mine, and we are ready to make some of your own art sing. Now, if you guys don't know how it works here, you guys pick out a plate or a pot or any of the little knickknacks we have, most of them all pottery, of course, and you're going to paint them, style them the way that you like, and then we'll glaze them for you so that everybody has their own little thing to take home.

Quick question for you.

I'm so sorry.

Is there any of these items that typically seven to eight -year -old girls who are recently the children of divorce would enjoy for their birthday present?

I'm sure any nice little pot would be great for your

eight -year -old. Yeah.

Yes, sir. Over there. We don't have to raise

hands. It's casual here, guys. I just wanted to weigh in on this gentleman's question. I don't know if I can answer a question here. I think probably the best thing is to bring them here with you. I don't think this

is sort of like a make, and I don't mean, I'm not going to harsh your painting skills, but I doubt you're going to make something that's going to be exciting to her.

Well, the whole point of being— It's about making it with her.

Well, if I had a visitation this weekend, I would have her here, but—

Well, this could be good practice for next weekend. Maybe you can get good at this this weekend and then bring here next weekend. Well,

six months. We definitely don't want to encourage people to not paint things here. Right. This is a business, so—

And second part of my question is,

what color do you think I should paint this purse? I just found. I'm going to paint this purse.

I don't—I guess

purple. Is this—could I paint this? You can paint it typically— Is this somebody's?

Where did you find it, sir?

Next to that lady right there. Huh.

Miss?

I

think that's my purse.

Oh, I'm sorry. I think it's my purse. I was unclear. I didn't know if it was plates, bowls, purses, cell phones, keys.

Is there something wrong with the color of my purse?

I don't like it.

I think it's ugly. I think that's a great idea to paint it purple. It's a brown leather purse. That's a

very

standard purse. It's brown leather. I thought

that was—

Well, no, I'm in my head. I mean, if there's a paint that he could do to make my purse better, I'll allow it.

I was— For a discount or whatever for me. Can I just pay for paint and get out of paying for, you know, these pre -mades? Yes. Thank you.

Excuse me, miss. All right, I'll just paint that. I'll just paint this for paint. Paint, of course, it costs. Everyone who is here— You can charge me a little bit for the paint. Everyone here is going to be here for the session fee as well as the material fee. So it's $10 to be here, and depending on what you choose, we're going to charge you for your item

on top of that. Ma 'am, I noticed you were here with someone a few moments ago, but they left.

He was a pig.

He was an absolute pig,

and I told him to get the hell out of here.

What did he say? Thank you for doing that so quietly, keeping this as a

reading space. What did he say? This is our 14th date. Oh, you

don't need to be counting at that point. You're dating. Stop counting after about six. He tried to kiss me when I picked him up today. You picked

him

up? Yeah. Well, it's—

And this was the first kiss.

He hasn't been able to— What? He wanted it to be the first kiss, but he's a pig. We

barely know

each

other. No, you need to be kissing his ass. He's only met my parents six times. That's so many. That's a lot of times. Even at 14 dates.

Pig.

Pig. No.

Do

not point over

here.

I'm at work. I didn't hear your opinion yet. I just—I would like—I paid for this in advance on a Groupon,

and I would like to get my money's worth.

And if I get a free, beautifully painted purse out of it, that's fine. But the men in this town are unbelievable. Miss, I do have to contractually tell you we're only required to give you three quarters of a good experience because you put it on Groupon.

Oh, that's part of the bylaws here at Color Your Mind.

You're not going to have that much fun. Well, we're a business. Like I said,

folks, we are a business. So if you're trying to get out of here without paying— I'm going to be honest. I hate crafts. I fucking hate crafts.

Why did you sign up for this, sir? You came here by

yourself. There's not that many— I see you projecting a lot onto sir here who came by himself. You came by yourself. You stole a woman's purse. Well, he just got called a pig, and he said, pig. And he goes, well,

are you a pig?

Why did you say,

well? Well, it's not the first time a woman of your age has called me a pig.

Your ex -wife.

ID right here in her purse. She's 27. Put that back.

her purse. I got all her

I got

though. She's 27. Put that back, miss. You're beautiful. He thinks you look 60. Why are you instigating her? Why are you stirring a pot?

I just

can't

that 14th day. I have lost control of

the

color of my mind. Take it easy. God crafts suck. You can paint my bag, but I'm not worried. Don't let him paint your bag.

Well, I'm a little self -conscious about the way it looks. You know, maybe I let that man go a little too early. It's a beautiful brown

Prada bag. Brown leather Prada bag. It's boring. It

needs to be purple. I can't tell. You both say the same words, but with different intonation. I don't know what the truth is. Why did you say it needs to be purple? I said purple. I'm the one that gave you the idea of

purple. I know. I agree with that. Thank you.

Well, I would like to paint this

urn.

Actually, I like your taste. Excuse me.

I'm so sorry if you interrupted. You go ahead and do whatever you need to do. You got bag of bones? You got bag of dust?

Sir, what are you here for? Oh, my God. Are you Miss Henderson's granddaughter?

My mother recently killed my grandmother. Sorry.

It's okay. You're really stressed because of how old you are.

It's okay.

was behind the killing of your grandmother who killed your grandfather?

Wait, your mother

Yes. Everyone thinks Mrs. Henderson, the grandmother, died, but my mother actually killed her and my grandfather.

Wow. So she smashed the car and then sent it up for auction?

That's a fact. Yes. That's a fact. I shouldn't be saying this all

because it's all. Oh, my God. I'm actually trying to do a podcast all about it, like a true crime podcast. Sorry, podcast. I love those. Are you going to just stretch it out, those six, eight episodes, even though it's pretty cut and dry?

Six, eight episodes. I'm not even going to get to the idea by six, eight episodes. Are you kidding me?

already. Good. Good.

You have a producer

Well,

you know. You just start recording and they just do this, right?

Immediately, right when it starts. Well, it's not a producer, but you know that place that you can pay to record your own podcast and it's you pay per quarter hour.

Yes. Me Cord, it's called, right? What's that? Me Cord? Me Cord.

So at Me Cord, you know, right when you start recording, like extend

it, extend it, extend What's the first season about?

The first season is kind of about, well, my parents came here from Lithuania, my mom did, so it's about little Lithuanian immigration to America.

Oh, wow. That's beautiful. Do they make it to America by the end of the first season? Are you kidding me?

It's

way too fast. We

small

pots. What do you cover?

some

get to America. These are pinch pots.

These are pots that were all pinched. Nice. They were little pieces of clay and all you have to do is simply pinch them with your finger and thumb and it turns into a small pot.

These

are great for holding change by the door

and that's almost it. So you can paint one of these or you can put some other crap

in

No, it's already been shaped.

It's been pinched. Yeah, it's been pinched. I think my daughter would love something like this. She's

always got a little change in her pocket. What's her name? Huh? What's

her name? My daughter? Yeah. Claire. Oh, that's a lovely name.

That

mom's

name. You don't hear that often with a junior with a woman. Yeah.

That's beautiful. Claire Junior?

Claire

Junior. Oh. Junior? Junior. Like how Schwarzenegger would pronounce the word junior?

It sounded kind of

No,

Jamaican.

Oh, junior.

Junior.

Junior. Oh, with an A. Yes. That's actually

really beautiful. Claire Junior.

That's nice.

I don't think that's a thing.

I didn't realize junior was the masculine pronunciation

of it. I didn't either until my wife told me. Well, I think that's lovely. What's your favorite color?

Green. Green. Well, I think that a nice, maybe green stripes, green and white stripes would be my

suggestion. If you want a little woman's eye on that. Yeah. No, that

sounds great.

Yeah. Straight stripes? I don't know what you had in mind. I usually picture stripes being straight, but I guess it could be more of a chevron.

Oh. She doesn't drive.

It's not just a gas company. It's a shape. It's a shape.

Oh. Okay. Well, yeah. I'll just do that. I'll do it. Do you have an

example of a chevron? Junior doesn't drive? Junior doesn't drive. How old is she? Well, her name isn't Junior. She is a Junior.

How old is she? She's eight years old.

Well, that's why.

That's why. I wasn't confused about it. There's nothing wrong with her. She'll get there. Yeah. It's just, it's very early. Can I start dipping this shit in perp or not? Miss?

Yeah.

Are these your

keys?

What's that? Are these your

keys? Yeah. Could you remove them? Are you a janitor?

It's a big ring.

You custodian? You're not going to say anything? That seemed like a good question.

Yeah,

custodian? No, I'm not a custodian.

Are you a key? Property

manager? Each of those

keys has a

Each of those keys. How many things do you use to get into your house? Well, I need a key to get into my car. Oh, my God.

What

Like to turn the car on?

Yeah.

No, that's too easy to steal. So how do you crank the car? How do I crank the car? Yeah. Will I open the key box? With a key? There's a

key box. With what else? I would really love to get to painting some

pottery. Yes. If anybody would like to paint pottery,

I would love to do

that.

I've been trying to take my job less personally lately,

but every time I come in here and run a Sunday class, no one has painted anything

and it's starting to make me want to pull my hair out or get myself a crazy haircut. And I really don't want to

do that to them. Crazier than the one you have?

Yes. Okay. This isn't crazy.

Well, depending on who you ask, I would say

- I see why you're divorced. It's a stark bowl. I see why you're divorced. It's a stark bowl. It's a stark bowl. Super sharp bowl.

Exactly. It's not crazy. It's regimented.

Okay.

And a Tony Stark goatee.

Who do you think did my hair?

looking at you? The Peaches and Cream or the -

By

Peaches and Cream guy. Peaches and Cream who run the barber shop I think did it. Yep.

Yeah. Everybody knows you can't go to Peaches and Cream. They're going to do something wild. This is a $300 haircut.

I know. So I think it looks good

because it was a lot. And it's not it though. What do you mean? It's not it.

Listen,

I work at a craft store. I know about art. Why don't you just pull your hair out? Why didn't I? You said you're going to

pull your hair out or get a crazy haircut.

Because I'm really frustrated.

Right.

I'm really frustrated

and I just love to do some - Pulling out at the

root. What was your plan today?

This is what your whole day was. I hate crafts. I'm mad

I'm here. Why

are you here? I'm out of the Groupon. You're here by yourself. I know.

So don't come. Just waste the Groupon. Stay home. I'm not going to waste a group. I'm not going to waste

a group. Why did you sign up in the first place? Because I love a Groupon. I love a deal. Three single men.

It's not a deal if you hate doing it.

Look at that.

Would you want to go see a porno sometime?

We're not even on one date.

That is really forward at my work.

Porno is like 58th, 59th date.

Okay.

Maybe. My bad. How long do you have dates written out? I'm sorry. We're going to see a porno together.

What is it about the 27 to 60 gap that is making you feel that way?

I just think they've lived a lot of life.

They've seen a lot. It's true. They're going to be more mature for their age.

Right. Is there a limit on how many Keurigs

I can make? Say that again. Is there a limit on how many Keurigs I can make? I'm on my second one and I just want to make sure I don't have to pay. No, you can do as many as you want. They're $6 apiece.

Why did you cry a little bit right

then?

Six remind you of something that has to do with the urn? How many people are dead? Be

honest. And when are you going to get to the number in the podcast?

how many urns are

And

actually good? I'll tell you, but you can't tell anyone because

it's going to

spoil. You

have to say this stuff in F1 to get this.

You

can't cover Lithuania.

Poor man. Poor man.

No, you need to get to it. How many people are dead in the Henderson family? You can't tell anyone. I'm not. Six? Okay, so that's

why you cry.

That's why you cry. Anytime you hear the number six, you go, the number

of dead families is a half. Which is hard. Every time I'm around a kid, half the numbers they say make me

I know. Right. Six,

cry.

Right.

I hate it. Just make the coffee. Okay?

Look at your purse. I don't know that you need another cup, by the way. You're acting really loud.

Am

I so embarrassed? It's supposed to be

quiet in here. You can tell, right? I'm sorry. I had an espresso before the date. You can tell that it's supposed to be quiet in here, right? Yes. Yes. I'm sorry. I had

an idea. I mean, I had an idea. You're supposed to have three minutes.

It's got to be quiet.

You're actually really great at knowing what the rules are, seemingly so that you can fuck with them and break them. Like, you know exactly what all the rules are. You just don't care for them. Yeah. I mean, I've been here a lot. I hate crafts, though. I don't like doing this. Why do you come? Because it is something to do and I meet people. Okay, but I don't like doing crafts.

Okay.

I'm sorry. Could I get another frock? This one that I spilled some paint on.

Sure. Yeah. Thank you.

Yeah.

Do you like your purse? I made it purple

and I... I thought maybe you were going to paint it. It looks like you just dipped it in the purple paint. It's really drippy. I'm not going to sit here with a brush and go back and forth and back and forth and then

let it dry. Well, like I said, you got to pay for material, so we have to charge you for what is now that bucket of paint that you're holding.

The

purse is

I have to

weigh it, of course. Look what you did

to them. Come here.

What happened? The number 12 hurt your feelings?

9 -12.

9 -12. Is

that the day

you found out? Someone in your family died

in 9 -11? Oh, the day after September

11th. I found out a little late, but it was confirmed the next day. I hadn't even heard of the thing that happened.

So 9 -11 doesn't mean anything to you? I heard about it on 9 -12. Wow.

I was so busy. I was running around. Wow.

Where were you? I was trying to get shit done.

Doing errands.

New York?

Huh? Midtown? I was in Midtown. I didn't hear a thing. I'm going to FedEx. I'm getting my Quiznos. I have

a catering job. It sounds like a busy day. You go to

and the Quiznos. What was the vibe at the FedEx?

FedEx

catering

job that

It was a wedding. It was a wedding. It was sad. It was a Tuesday wedding. There was only one person there. Only the groom was there.

Apparently she was getting there that day

or

something. The ground stop affected it. He

went ahead with the ceremony.

He went ahead with the ceremony. It's out. When you

put your deposit down, you have to go.

They went ahead with it, and I've catered. I mean, people were, you know.

I mean, probably more for you. You probably got to take a lot home.

People were eating.

People were eating. There was one guy in you.

No, there was still

a lot of people there watching. The wedding party was all

there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, no, all of her party was gone. Him and his party was there. I was like, was she getting here today?

How many of them were there?

The

wedding party? I think it was like six girls. Oh.

You

have six, too. What's your six? What's yours? I was thinking about

six. Oh, you're an impact.

Thank

you.

I have a bit of an impact. Thank you. Don't tell anyone.

You have

it. What happened? What happened, though?

playing

us?

Well, they picked a boat,

and the boat came over from Lithuania.

No, not that

part.

do you want to know?

I know about the two deaths in your family. I found out that it was your mother who planned it. I'm not going to give you season nine spoilers. Jesus. That's too long.

What if you painted a big plate that was

for your podcast? In honor. Huh. I don't really understand at all. A plate for my podcast, like, so I'm eating off of it while I'm doing it?

Or, like, you know, I don't know, just something to get you to do what you're here to do.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You know, it could be, like, the album cover. I guess that's better than an urn.

Yeah, okay. That could be good.

I don't know. You shouldn't put the ashes just on an open plate.

True, because then I'll accidentally snack on them if I get package.

Sort of. Yeah, sort

of. I

love you.

I want to take you to a porn aisle.

Why

don't you

buy me 58 dinners

first? Okay.

I'm not saying you're the most crazy person I've ever met. Okay. That's not a problem. Okay. Not on one day. The first one, you know, it doesn't have to be a full dinner, but by dinner 9, 10, 11, 12. When do you

want to be kissed? We are getting something for the table.

Okay. Bread? Or calamari?

I think she means, like, an

appetizer. Yes. I'll get something for the table. Bread's free.

And we're not going to want to go to those restaurants where they give you free bread and then also give you an option to pay for a better bread.

Yeah. Don't lay sticks on the table and withhold a better bread. Don't lay those little sticks.

All right. Well, we're just going

to go ahead and close up. I love you. We're going to close up. If you guys want to throw some money on the thing. When do you want to be kissed? What date? Because 14 was bad. Well, this was, yeah. I would say, if it's going well, 18, 19.

Okay. I'm

sorry. What does that mean to you? Jesus, what's that? That's the age when my

daughter's going to leave the house. Why are you possibly thinking 19? 10 years ahead? Is she going to stay, like, delay college for a year? I don't know. She did get held back one year.

Oh, already? There's a lot going on in the family. Yeah.

Yeah,

she got held back. She's had to do second. She got held back? She had to do second twice. Wow, that's early. Yeah. Whoa.

It sounds like she skipped a grade. She's already in second.

Right?

don't know. I guess if she's on her second year or second, she could be eight going on nine. This is probably why I'm getting a divorce.

Yeah. I'm not as attentive as I should be. Yeah. I don't like doing stuff with her. That's too bad. That's, yeah, when you marry someone, you should like doing stuff with

them. I agree. Or the daughter. Is this your first marriage? Huh? This, with, to my ex? Third. Third marriage. Third. Yeah. What happened to your first two wives? What happened at the wedding? Did you have the wedding? They both died. What day? What did they? They showed up to the wedding, right? Both of them died on their, on the wedding days.

Oh

I'm

actually going to do a podcast about it. Oh, really? Oh, wow. What's it called? Good luck getting me to listen. I know the whole story.

my

That's catchy.

Yeah.

That's really catchy.

Yeah. Is it similar to Deadwood? Yeah. It's cowboy themed.

Was Deadwood cowboy themed? Deadwood. I don't think there's a single cowboy in Deadwood, actually. Or was it about cowboys?

It's about just like the Wild West and having the street be mud. That's exactly what it's about. It's about the street being mud. I could watch so many shows about the street being mud.

Yeah.

Because it wasn't that long ago, weirdly. Yeah. Stuff really took off.

You're right. Like the last 100 years ago. We could be in just a field right now, but instead we're in

here. Shit really took off in the last

100. It really took

so

off. We're

Industrial Revolution. We do see that you turned the lights off.

Lights are off. I'm clocked out.

Trying

to put the chairs upside

down, but I'm still in this one. Does that say haircut in 10 minutes on your phone?

Shit.

Don't. Yeah. Don't. Come on. Why? Don't go to PNC. Where is it? Nowhere.

says PNCs. It says PNCs.

It

What is wrong with PNC? They did this.

I know. It's stark. It's a stark bowl. You need some more layers

or something. I appreciate you saying stark. That is a very nice way to say what you're trying to say to me.

Yeah. It's intense. Yeah.

That's nice. What do you

think? All right. Who's it going

to be? It's very clear you got it done at PNC.

Who's it going to be? Yes.

Of the three of us. Of the three of you? I hate to do this when the lights are off in a room.

No. Corner a woman and

who's it going to

say

She doesn't want to watch a porno at your house. Take her to the theater. Okay. But whatever. Well, you know, I didn't really get the idea that you were very interested in me this whole time.

I'm at work. Right. That's polite of you actually. Oh, that's polite. So you wouldn't flirt

at work. You're welcome. That's actually, yeah, that's a good sign.

This gentleman here has not shown a single positive trait as

far as relationships go. Me? Yeah. Cool. Say three things you did right in your, pick any three of the marriages. I woke up every day. Okay. Bare men.

Literally.

I paid some of the bills. How many

of them? 50%. Okay. I don't hate you. You

bargain. And then I fell asleep every night. No.

held up your end of the

Two of those are automatics.

And I don't believe

the first one, actually. You guys sound just like my ex -wives.

What did you say? Which one don't you believe? That you woke up every day. Okay. I woke up most days.

Okay. You slept through a lot of days. Some of them.

I tell you, you

can't say you're starting a podcast called Dead Wife and

then try to

Oh, we're in here. He left and locked us in. Can you use any of your keys?

What's that? Can you use any of your keys? For this door?

Yeah. Let me try this one.

Nope. Try this one. Oh, that one's broken

into the lock there. Damn it. You broke it into the deadbolt. We can't get out now.

Hang on. I think I have a key for this key. The key for the broken one that's inside of it?

Correct. In case it breaks, there's a key slot inside of it. Oh, my God.

Let me try this one. Ding, ding.

Oh. There we go. Oh, my God.

Sorry. No, that was just the key to the bills. I got them working again. Oh. Oh. Well, I'm going to have a free coffee.