Ep 2: Hamilton 911

ring hello hamilton 9 -1 -1 hey i want to get a uh large

this is the wrong number that's 9 -1 -7 oh

that is all right yeah that's the pizza place is my bad that's okay it happens all the time constantly do you guys do sicilian

no this is 9 -1 -1 you need to hang up and call 9 -1 -7 i don't even know how they got that done with the city but they have 9 -1 -7 now

all right sorry about that yeah it's new york style pizza because that's the area code there so they got 9 -1 -7 oh just before i go you guys got to start carrying ranch

i always want ranch with my pizza and it's a

bummer you need to call hang up and call 9 -1 -7 all right okay all right thank you hello 9 -1 -1 what's your emergency

uh hi uh i'm just calling because i my um son i was supposed to pick him up from school and i showed up to school and he uh wasn't at our usual drop -off point

okay missing persons yeah yeah okay yeah i texted him how long has he

been uh missing um 45 50 minutes or

so okay did you look in the school did you look around the school no i didn't get out of my car you haven't gotten out at all

no

you've just been sitting there for 45 yeah to 50

yeah

you want to get out and look maybe go to the classroom ask around

well it's raining i was just wondering could you guys could you

call the school and see if i don't know if i can send a dispatcher unless you've looked and come up empty

miss davison miss davison roll down the window oh hello robbie's inside

okay go away no can you that was it huh that was it i'm sorry i can't hear you is robbie your kid uh yes robbie's my son okay well robbie's inside you just need to get out get an umbrella do you have an umbrella or a poncho i do yeah i have both okay put on one of those uh don't put on the umbrella uh

well put on the poncho or oh how did you even do it you put the stick in your shirt i put the stick in my shirt but that'll work too just go in there and get robbie thank

you for calling 9 -1 -1 thank you damn it robbie you passed

hello want 9 -1 -1 what's your emergency hi is this 9 -1 -1 or 1 -9 -1 -1 this is 9 -1

-1 okay that was just a misspeak at the beginning

yes that was i'm sorry i answer it a lot and sometimes i say

well that's okay look i i i

i what's 1 -9 -1 -1

what's that

what's 1 -9 -1

-1 i don't know but i was worried i had the wrong number because i dialed a little flustered

i think it's not a pizza

place is it i don't

know okay i hope not all right

what's your emergency i'm sorry i think there's a criminal outside my house

oh my god

there's a good i mean okay that's fine has that been happening a lot around

town

that oh my god really makes me

more scared well i we keep having a criminal and and outside of somebody's house but that's not for that's fine you just need to remain calm

i'm trying what's happening what's happening it's my first weekend alone my wife is out of town with the kids and i'm just freaking out here

recent divorce what's that one second i'm getting a beep could you hold on could you just see if it's a criminal look out the window and make sure it's a

criminal i'm almost

certain hang on there one second hello one night please don't i mean nine one hey can i get a large

no

large what just nine one two did you say chalupa

large

chalupa yes what else

large nacho bel grande

okay and a quesadilla chicken okay

all right thank you we don't do pizzas okay we only do mexican food here at 9 -1 -1 talk about

specific

yes bye thank you hello are you there

i'm gonna be okay i am gonna be cooking he tried to chop me

i am gonna be cooking real quick he tried to chop you i'm just gonna drop the chalupa in the oil and i'm back with you

okay are you understaffed today what's happening boop

you've chopped go chop the criminal one more time he chopped me oh he's jumped you what happened what happened

can you say that you can you say i opened the door and

he

it back

chop it back chop

i'll be right back

hi hi i can't get into the high school

with you hello

it's you again yeah what do you mean

it's probably just got one of those locks that locks from the inside that you got to push on wait there wearing your umbrella so you're not getting wet and then you somebody will come out and you'll go in or go around to the window and knock okay i'll go around to the window i'll call you

back okay uh do you know how to make hot sauce uh you have to i think boil

boil peppers okay thank you that's what i thought bye hello i'm back with you did you chop i

know i'm i'm hiding in my closet he's gotten into the front

door oh god the chop really hurt oh good

good

he's hurt he's gotten in i'm just jumbling around from the chop

chop him again i chop him one

more chop him one second time no why would you be broadly announcing what happened to him i think he's trying to are you hit him out so he can kill me i wouldn't have chopped that guy because it hurt

me to chop him okay

okay please send at least one squad car

yes i'm

horrified here i'm horrified could you hold on one second i'm gonna call the squad car okay thank you okay stay where you are you're hidden if he gets close chop an ankle but don't come out and chop the neck or anything

i think you're right about that that's great advice thank you

because it did seem fake it did seem chop let me

listen why would he say that

i'm good at telling

if it's an actor or not

what a hard chop with a hand chop chop chop i

did i think chop choppy is a lie i think that was like a

little bit i agree get a squad

okay

all right all right chop a leg chop an ankle chop something around the legs okay it becomes close where are you i am

in my daughter's closet okay is she outside no she's gone with your

wife recent divorce first weekend alone first weekend alone okay rocky territory with the wife okay she's with her sister

okay i'm gonna call the squad i'm gonna call the squad thank you all right yeah hey what's up um so you know that guy who just got a divorce out on

51 which one is that this man it's this man

what pussy i'm not a pussy

what's up

what's up guys stop heckling me okay you have to go solve some stuff

there's a criminal at the recent divorce on 51 i think it was i think it's like six nine drive

six nine drive

yeah

yes it's where you do 69

it's not a joke it's real right it's

that's it's by the pizza club yeah yeah it's by the pizza place yeah and how long do you boil peppers for hot sauce and then what do you do how much water do you put in i just put barely any

yeah just enough water to cover the peppers yes they're still peaking some of the branches immersion blender yeah okay then

immersion what's there

all right go to 69 drive okay

hey i'm back are

you there oh no you've been chopped in the neck

oh no not the neck but he he hit me kind of in the side he found me in my daughter's closet i have now locked myself into our attic i don't think he knows how

to hold on a second i see you're in the attic

and you're safe hold on a second are you sending is he still acting

listen for him

one sec listen for him is he saying anything okay i

wish you were still near me

i ran away

from he said he said

that sounds like a monologue one

second hello hi my name is robbie i just uh was walked out of my school looking for my dad to pick me up and yes uh his car's empty uh and

i

don't he's at the door he's waiting at the door he's trying to get in the door where what door did you walk out of uh the the the door on the east side of the building

okay i think he's at the main door

with the umbrella stuffed in his shirt i don't know and it popped out open and it's but it's covering him okay

okay i'll go look

for him i guess hold on one second hold on okay

hello

hey hon i'm having a tough day

honey i can't do this right now

why not i'm trying to make peppers hot sauce chalupas a nachos bel grande i'm trying to do that okay and i got somebody on the line at 69 drive who's about to get chopped again they're in the attic okay i'm sorry what no you don't have time it's fine

i got a little time i think she's hidden in the attic

i just i was making a three -point turn and i bumped another car it didn't

don't say anything just drive just

get out of there how bad was it all right not bad it didn't actually make a scratch it just bumped

you're sure it's just a bump

i think

how bad is it there's a dead guy in the front what

he was already there i think

so this is a real 9 -1 -1

call no

this isn't a

lovey

call i need your help

i can't this is recorded

no

i gotta call you can't call 9 -1 -1 to talk and say

crime

okay tell me now you have to call me on my cell i'm sorry what's the number

my cell phone number 119 it's confusing

okay bye i know

click click

hey i'm back with you

hi hello hey hi where are you

look uh i'm still in the attic it was a monologue and the biggest crime is the breaking I'm doing and the stabbing but the second crime is the performance really is this recorded is he yes

good yes look so you think the criminal is going big or are they forgetting their lines

happening it's

what's

it's

hammy

it's on it's unmotivated right uh but i don't want to tell him to his face i think it's going to make him angrier

why isn't he saying any of his backstory which maybe to ground

like we need to know why he's robbing

i don't think the issue is we need more exposition said out loud i think it's

commitment well i guess it's because i was a scholar in my youth for

a time and then i became stupid you've got to go deeper

you

go deeper oh chop you shit you run run run run i'm running i'm running stay on the line please

have to

stay on the line i'm here with you chopping chopping now i'm motivated

to chop your ass i'm gonna chop your head off because it's part of the show

he's singing like like emo

it's not scanning to a beat at all i don't know i

think

it's like hamilton maybe keep running i'm gonna check in for the squad car okay i'm crawling i'm opening the window it's a little wet because it's been raining out but i'm crawling down the drain pipe outside

where'd you go i can't even see i'm so angry

okay i'm gonna check in with the squad car stay on the line

yeah what's

up hey where are you guys you're supposed to be at 69 drive yeah we are there's a there's a weird uh like over actor oh that's a weird over actor you

suck

fucking

you have to stop being like this you guys are the you're the police yeah we're the police

you're the police

yeah i know i'm the police and so are you let me get a

large taco what do you want on it i was kidding dude i don't actually want a taco from you i don't tell me that because i have the grease hot i'll get

it

going right now

do you want one if you

i

yes yes two large tacos one carne asada one pastor

if

okay i just want a baja blast okay and i make them large put them in burrito taco shells

put

them in burrito taco

shells make them tacos but put them in burrito size tortillas

oh so like make them huge huge make them huge but

charge me fry up the flour tortilla

don't even fry it just give me a huge tortilla

a sloppy you want a huge sloppy give me a sloppy taco why don't you just say huge sloppy staple okay just say that next time look at the new menu i sent out hold on one second hello

good evening this is padre comma todd uh recently what todd recently one of the students from my classes was pushed a little too far and i'm just calling to let you know i've become a little concerned oh my god uh we were doing a method

one of your acting students yes what do you think i thought it could be maybe writing but yeah it's it's i think this person's overacting at 69 drive

i'm sure it's one of my students he's not overacting but i do think you put i pushed him a little too far

no he's

singing too good and

he's good and he said he was a scholar week one you would have never thought he could sing he still can't well

he's not going to a

beat well he's trying and what is this scholar in his youth thing is that based on you you weren't smart ever or a scholar is this

being recorded yeah

redact that part

no anyone hears it redact it's a live line and we

stenographer

have a

one sloppy special please okay damn it

i'm already having to make three of those i'm paying the extra

three dollars to have it

delivered to my house first

stapled

or not my house first okay

do

you want a double

dash my teeth

can't handle

this do you want a double dash yeah what's that what else do you want where you get some ice cream or something on the way

i've done those and it ends up being another dasher i want you to stop for the ice cream on the

way you can do same dasher hit the same dasher

oh where is it

i can't hear you over the

call waiting beeps hold on hold on one second just look scroll down and look for it hello hi it's me i was looking for my son dustin

he's looking for you i know looking for you i'm stuck on the roof

of the

now how'd you

high school

get up there i climbed up the outside are you committing huh are you going to commit

i can't keep talking to you yes

fiddle for us

oh my god is that the fiddler fiddle for us push him off what'd you make me do oh

this is recording is this recording is this recording yes it is i know it is all

right

look cover the body up okay

i'm gonna give it to my wife give it to my wife she's already on the run call my son call my son okay i'm calling you back hold on one second

hello

then i was an athlete

honey i need you to go get the

fifth oh

this is the oh this is the the criminal i thought this was my wife in the car

accident

who's that

oh it's oh it's a criminal once i turned my ankle i lost my physicality

you are you're just like you're just like todd that's why i've gone crazy criminal you're i couldn't do anything with my feet so i had to do things with my mind criminal that's why i'm weird and bad now criminal yeah look you need to get out of this person's house

okay my toe hey oh my toe oh

my toe for real no

i could tell backstory that i could tell

i that's not backstory

that's current story story the current story backstory it's

foreshadowing how i can't get out of this house criminal yes i need you to get out of 69 drive and go back to acting class and study again okay i only got one chop in go chop him one more time and get out of there

thank you hello uh uh hi um i was looking for my my uh dad and but i just stumbled across the the body of what i believe is a 77 year old jewish man

yes that's the fiddler right i need your help uh -huh i can be the fiddler's death can be traced back to me okay okay my wife i'm gonna try to get my wife to come there she's already fugitive i need to pin the fiddler's death on her it's gonna make sense i'm i'm just 15 i don't know

what i

don't want to be involved in this

hold on i bet this is her hold on just stay on the line hello honey

honey honey drive to the school

why that's weird

drive to the school

drive to the side entrance and and you're gonna know it when you see it okay just run over just just drive up the side of the school can i and park there let me use your credit card

whatever you need i'm going to get a blizzard first i need to calm down i need some sugar no those are fake

those are fake the blizzards they they're they they on the internet they fly out of the cup

what

no that's supposed to stick that's not real

that's what i'm saying okay bye i'm heading to the school

drive to the school hello i'm back with you kid

are you there yeah all right when you see my wife's car okay it's it's a it's a black lexus

okay get out of the way okay

get out of

the way oh my god

okay

okay

okay um

i think i see it i think i see it

it's coming move it's going fast move oh god move

who was that

yeah

i hit me

shit

the car hit me honey i did it don't record this

honey

i did

what

it honey

honey

what i picked up his

phone now i'm talking on his phone the boy i killed okay did you run over an old man in the ground

no it was a boy next to an old man

no you ran over an old man

the fiddler i didn't kill the fiddler i love the fiddler i'm distraught that he's dead

no yes

you're distraught

i know you love it it was an accident

hold

on one second honey hello hi i'd like to report an awful crime okay what is it i ordered tacos and they're not at my house and i'm hungry and i'm still paying full price so i guess the crime reporting is a fucking robbery by you this is todd padre

todd

hey

hi todd i'm i'm looking for the big burrito styles to make big sloppies and i'm good it's hard for me to get it to you because you ordered it with no staples okay

just so you know i'm

at the school i'm looking it's burning

shit

burning

why is a chalupa being made

because

i had other orders but

i paid three dollars extra for double death deputies wanted sloppy styles before you i'm at the school just so you know your girlfriend is praying on a dead

jew's

body

tell her to stop praying tell her to stop praying he's gone and it's her fault i'm not allowed to do that to people anymore who did you say that to the kids who wanted to be religious at your class

yes i said no prayer anywhere in schools or anywhere like that i just said it in the

church oh

that's pretty

good

todd what thank

you hold

on a second hello

hey

michael this is your boss

hey boss we've been listening to the recordings and we're not very pleased with your performance

i'm juggling a lot of things

we have to put you on a pip performance improvement plan you have to stop crimes now

i have to be with

the dead you have to start stopping crimes

i'm not cut out for that boss well

then you're gonna

have to

be

fired all right i'll do the pip okay

where do you want me to go first well firstly we're just going to start recording all the calls for real

oh they haven't been no

this is the fire department we got reports of a flaming chalupa in here

don't call me that