2. Volunteer Orientation

All right, guys, I know we got a lot of people lined up. We're ready to get in and get our booth set up, get our ride set up. I just want to quickly go over last year. We've got some slight changes, nothing crazy. As you guys know, down there by the river, it got a little wet last year. So we had some sinkage on one of the sides of the zipper, which caused the ride to get a little

scary. It toppled over. It toppled over. We remember. Yes, I'm glad you're taking responsibility for what actually happened last year. Yeah, and I'd like to apologize to everybody here who trusts my company that provides a few of these rides for this

fair. Who are you talking to? Just kind of everybody.

around and face us all. Turn around and face

Turn

us all. Well, I don't think there's a single person here who trusts you. I know you're trying to show off the fringe on the back of your new jacket, and it's cool. It is cool. Yeah.

This is me taking personal responsibility for the issues last year. When the zipper almost slid into the river, that was on me. That is very good of

you. Thank you. Because we need some sort of accountability here. Obviously, last year, it was a successful fair, but a few things did go wrong. But we caught them. Everything was fine. Luckily, we didn't have any injuries. Nobody was on the zipper when it

Well, you were getting your picture taken at the time, right? You had just gotten a new pair of boots that you were trying to show off?

fell.

Yes.

If you can stay out of the photo booth this year, Luke,

that would be great. Look, I don't like these kinds of arbitrary lines on what we can and can't participate in at the fair. I come to the fair, one, to work, two, to have a good time.

And I do think a lot of people come to the fair because of you and your local fame. So I'm sorry I said stay out of the photo booth. We want you in the photo booth.

We just want to make sure everything's locked up, tied down, ready to go before we get into the photo booth.

like you're serious. Absolutely. Absolutely. I'm absolutely serious. I just want to. Corporate BS. The county fair went corporate and everything's changed and it's BS, dude. It's BS. Who can take a picture when your outfit made the zipper sink?

Sounds

used to be something, man. They used to be punk rock. They used to be open. If you want to submit any booth, any ride, anything,

Fairs

you can't, Tim. You just get shut down by this corporate. There's a lot of bureaucracy here.

All those fish died in those bags that you brought, okay? You're supposed to put the fish in the bag at the end. You don't bring them in

bags.

Yeah, and there should be water in the bag before you put the fish into it.

to do. Elon, Jeff, and Mark.

That had nothing

Okay. Three big CEOs. No,

we're carnival workers. We're not big CEOs.

It feels like it. This county fair is not turning a big profit, okay?

The people on the means of production here.

Most of the money that comes in goes to you guys, okay? We don't turn a big profit. Yes, me and my wife, we live nice, but we don't make a big deal off of this,

okay? We don't live any nicer than those southern pastors.

No. Yeah. And that's who I compare it to. As long as I'm not above the pastors, I can still get into heaven,

okay? All right, so let me open my sushi stand.

Well, that's what you pivoted to, and it was actually pretty

good last year, okay? So why don't you just start with sushi

this week? All right, goldfish rolls for all. Okay.

I'm talking about.

That's what

I knew you were a real

one, man. I knew you were

a

real one.

bogged down in this corporate V

Not getting

.S. Tim, I'm glad we have an understanding now that you can start with sushi. You can do sushi this year.

I'll just say I think you need to invest in some coolers or sort of freezers because I do think that leaving the fish out overnight for the full week every night, by the end of the week, it's pretty stanky around here. And if you need some freezers, I know a supplier I can get you some really solid ones.

Thank you. Thank you, Luke.

That's very nice. I appreciate it. I also want to talk about the judging of the animals this year.

I missed that

last speech. Oh, yeah.

Sorry. That's my bad. The judging of the beautiful animals.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Obviously, the most beautiful animals you've ever seen. Yeah, that's my bad. That's my bad. They look amazing.

We have men that kind of lift up their hind

haunches and go

beautiful butt. I know. You know, stretch them out

long. I'll be more appropriate. Like they do those cats.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is one of my favorite cats. We got that guy, but he's coming to judge. So we are going to be doing that this year again. I

got a little carried away, and I apologize. What? No. I was judging the animals so hard, then I started judging the guy, and I started being sexual with everybody involved. I shouldn't have been sexual with anybody. Listen,

you have an aesthetic. So you didn't figure

it out.

You didn't get there. That's what I'm saying. I'm very sorry. I know exactly my mistake, and I won't do it again that much. You just need to stay on the animals, okay? We know you have an eye for aesthetic. You know what looks good, and then sometimes you start to focus on the owner of the animal. So that's all I want you to do is stay on the animal. I love a clean body line. Man, some animals look just like beautiful

cars. I know. Listen, we all know. We all don't want to pretend like we know when we see a hot horse, okay? When we see a hot horse, we all turn

the other way. Well, horse is easy because we go. Huge dick. Well,

let's not get carried away on how hot we think horses are,

okay? Careful. He's going to call HR on you, dude. They

probably got an HR. Horse resources. HR this year is the clowns again. The clowns is doubling as HR. I consolidated those two departments.

Why not? I mean, you could satirize this all day.

I got some

questions. And I'm not calling HR clowns, okay? I just consolidated those two to save a little bit,

okay? How are those pronunciation classes going? You

tell me, bro. I'm amazing.

Amazing. But are they satisfying?

Are they

fun? They are exquisite.

Brilliant. Needs another class. That's brilliant. All right, guys. We are introducing Fast Passes this year,

okay? No way. That's cool. That's a good idea.

Yes, Animal Judge.

Because you know me. I like to ride the rides

also. Remind me your

again, Animal Judge. Keith. Sorry. All right. We got Keith, Tim, and Luke. Luke. All right.

name

And, of course,

me? I mean, I

don't need to answer that. We want to know you. Mr. Magoo.

I

know. I know. I got some questions about these Fast Passes.

I know you are. I know. We know who you are. We know that. Let's

be honest about it. I'm not in a lot of relation. Same problem.

Same issue.

Let's talk about why the

fair... Who is the... Who is the

picture of the... He's kind of like a

butler who's blind. And mumbles and

stumbles. What's

his

deal? He

cannot see. He's not a butler. He's wealthy. He's wealthy from his canning company. He cans food.

Oh, my bad.

He looks like a butler to me. All right.

My dad loved him, and he named me after him. Okay.

Mr., back to the Fast

Passes. Yeah, I have some questions about it. Yes. Yeah. You go ahead, because I've got a lot. I've got a lot, and I'm upset. I was just going to say, Fast Passes sometimes, you end up getting people who are in the regular line who get a little frustrated. It's usually a nice, pretty big source of conflict when you've got people going through the Fast Pass line, jumping ahead of the ride. It causes a lot of issues with patrons. I just want to know, do we have any kind of protocol in terms of if somebody tries to beat the hell out of somebody from the Fast Pass line for getting in front of them? Or

are we just kind of doing a little bit of a wrap? I mean, as every year, if somebody starts a fight, beats the hell out of somebody for a clear rule that they are signing up for when they walk

in, that's not going to be tolerated. They're going to be sent to the clowns. Oh, okay.

They're going to have to have a clown

talking to them. Patrons go to the clowns.

Well, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If they start fights, I mean, listen, it's very simple. If you want to get ahead in line, you buy the Fast Pass, and time is money, okay?

They're saying the quiet part out loud, aren't they? There's nothing quiet about that. That's just how things are going. We're upselling. If somebody wants to do a lot of rides not standing in line, you can upsell

them. Maybe we just do a rule where there's no gloating about the Fast Pass because I know

when I'm using the Fast Pass, I'm often flying by people. I'm on a Fast Pass to hell.

I'm just flying past people.

Listen, Animal Judge, I am.

The name is Keith. I know, Keith. I know, but I just say that. It's fine. I'm sorry. I'm acting like the people in the Fast Pass line. I apologize. I'm on a Fast Pass to hell. I can't go and make sure people don't lampoon an Eagle song when they're walking past you to get to the head

the Gravitron. Eagles. I'm on a Fast Pass to

of

hell. Oh, that's ACDC. Yeah. I was thinking of life in the Fast Pass.

Yes, that's what I

was thinking of,

which you also did. Living it up at the Hotel Fast Pass.

Right, you didn't do life in the Fast Pass.

You didn't live in it up at the Hotel Fast Pass. Such a lovely

place. Right. All right, Animal Guy, don't be lampooning people, okay, and walking by and making fun of them,

right? You're right. I need you telling me if a cow has nice feet or not. They do. Okay? They do. And they're called hooves.

They're called hooves. Well, last year you said, I wish this one had toes. And that one won.

Yeah.

Okay. So, I guess just real quick about this Fast Pass money. Where's that going? Lining your pockets, buying another cold plunge in your backyard? No. Okay. Yes, I

have a cold plunge. All right.

You know this guy's backyard. Yeah, he comes over. You partake. Like, you are really buddying up to old Jeff, Mark, and

Elon. Yeah, I mean, I definitely use the cold plunge, but I got bad joints.

I got bad joints, and you got the plunge, and

you

got that

second fridge full of Gatorade, so I'm going to take one or two, and I'm plunging. Everybody who is a vendor

this year got a 3 % raise. I am

passing it through. Barely keeping up with the price of

inflation. I am passing it through. Listen, I know inflation's

bad. You're a landlord. What do you care?

You're the biggest landlord in town.

I earned those house apartment complexes and houses, all right? And I'm very fair to people. Very fair.

You hike rates at the maximum the

city will go. You hike rates.

You know you hike rates. You are hiking

rates. Come on. It's different. I got those

through my own hard work. You hike rates, and then you dress like shit and pretend you don't make a ton of money. Okay? We know you hike rates, and you drive bad car on purpose to not look rich. You know you do that. Okay?

We've seen you pop the hood on that bad car.

And it's brilliant inside. It's brilliant.

No.

Amazing pronunciation. I

am still jealous of your pronunciation.

Thank God. Now, look. Can I bring up something?

Yes. It's a bit of an elephant in the room, as we kind of alluded to it.

No. He thinks elephants are ugly. He thinks elephants

ugly. I

are

swear to God, I thought there was going to be an ugly person. He's going to

elephant.

fat shame an

Oh,

my God.

There's not a real elephant in the room. It's a turn of phrase.

I know. I call ugly people elephants. I thought there was an ugly person

in the room. No, no, no, no, no. I just want to address the elephant in the room. I know every year I ask for a slot in the performance tent.

Yeah. And I know I have. I want you to have it. I know. I know I haven't had a hit song since 1982.

Okay? Right. But I really would love an opportunity this year. You always say you're going to give me an opportunity. People come to the fair, as you said, just to get a picture with me.

I had a classic song on the radio in 1982. Yes. And a lot of people out there come and they see me. What was it called?

It's called Loose Goose.

trying to remember.

I'm

Loose Goose. Yeah. Yeah. And it's about.

It was sued because it sounded very similar to Boot Scootin' Boogie.

Right. And it's about the same thing. Loose Goose Boogie.

It is Loose Goose

Boogie. Yes. Loose Goose Boogie. That was. And you're fudging the dates when you say 82 because you had to do that in the lawsuit. No. Because it was more like 2002.

You can look at the paperwork. It all is on there. And

I wrote it in red marker at the beginning. Okay.

You submitted to evidence

a diary entry that said, it is 1982. And I'm thinking about a song called Loose Goose and Boogie. Yeah. And it did come out. And it was written on a newspaper that said 9 -11 just happened. Okay.

I will say. Redacted, by the way. Redacted.

Redacted. Redacted with

yellow highlighter. Redacted. See, this is why it's tough

for me. Don't look at this part. It's redacted.

I swear, man. Nobody trusts me. Nobody.

But we love you. Have you been working on any new songs? Yeah. You know, I personally, I think art is amazing here.

And I know

we're going to get a bunch of corporate artists

here. I would love to play. But I would love to see some of your garage. I have a great new song. You do. It's a song that I wrote in 1983. It's called Strobin.

Strobin. Strobin. Yeah. It goes, Strobin to the east. I'm Strobin to the west. I'm

Strobin to the woman that I love the best. You haven't heard that song? That sounds a lot like a very famous song.

I know a lot of people are saying it sounds like Strokin also by Clarence Carter. Yes.

You're obsessed with Clarence Carter. Who's good bookies? Clarence

Carter? No. It's just, I've done it. A lot of people say a lot about music sounds like Clarence Carter.

Listen, I think it's the guy who did good scoop. Billy Ray Cyrus, I think.

It's me. No. Who did

mine? Listen, I think

you did loose scoops. Let's not talk about it. Let's not pull it apart. You're doing really well. Let's not pull it apart. I'm just saying. Renting carnival equipment.

Yeah.

Really well. And sourcing

carnival equipment. But I would just love an opportunity to get on stage and do my thing. You know?

You can have any slot you

want. Really?

Yes.

Okay. People don't care. Corporate bullshit.

No. That's what people want. They want to hear him sing soundalikes to famous

songs and pretend like there is. It's not soundalikes.

Mine were first. They want to see him tackled to the ground by New York City lawyers and then sued right in front of people. And by the way, my petition to get it so those guys can't get in is

picking up Steve. I can't

stop them. They sneak in

as residents. Giuliani has gotten serious again and I love it.

They come in in street clothes. They go into the porta potties. They change into suits. They show up to your show.

Giuliani sprays on a big hair. Yeah. All the way up.

Beautiful. Beehive.

TCBY style. Giuliani puts on yogurt hair. And then he comes at you like Goldberg.

Tackles your ass. He looks like. And you're

going down. He looks like a golden corral cone stacked up to the ceiling and you go down. Yeah. There's a little melting.

And yeah. And yeah.

Birds are pecking at his head. But this. Hey, I just am glad that we're serious this year.

I'm glad that this thing is not going to float away. I'm glad that the carnival is real. That was bad two years ago. It was horrible. The whole grounds floated

away. Well, they were like, yeah, let's put it on the riverbank. And I'm like, yeah, the bank. Put it on

the bank. Yeah. We were like, when we were like, how about the marshland?

Yeah. Let's get it on out there. How about the marshland? How about a dock?

Yeah. What about when category

five? How about an untethered mooring? Exactly. I'm not sure why

we did it that way. All right. So we are going to open up the gates soon. I want you guys to know I love you all. Wow. This is

going to be an amazing year. We're here for three full weeks. We've got a record number of tickets and fast passes. Are you sure the town still wants us? Three weeks is a lot. That doesn't matter to me. The tickets are bought.

We come in once a year and we fuck this town up. Go ahead. I'll say this, M .M. I obviously come in with what people could consider negative energy about what you're giving

us. But it is because there is nothing on this earth that is more important to me than the county fair

in Hamilton.

Other than really putting it to the citizens of this city by keeping their rent sky high and keeping them living paycheck to paycheck. It's not. The only. It's a good deal for everybody. I find a guy

who is bad at all

handyman work.

And I spread him as thin as possible. And have him dealing with every house. He's American, but English is a second language. Listen, I'm sorry. You were trying to give the

fair compliment. This place is so special to me.

It is a place where people can forget about their problems. And hell knows we need it right now. Right?

Turned around to the wall, showing off his jacket too.

Oh, yeah. You guys know about Looney Tunes jackets. Did you ever hear about X -Men?

Well, I don't know.

Do you have one? You have one Looney

Tunes. Oh, fuck.

Is he talking about his next

jacket? It's the wrong one. Do you have the

X -Men jacket on the layaway or something?

No. Wear the

right

jacket if you're going to

brag. I was

in the store and I think I saw an X -Men jacket. I was like, I wonder how much this is like a Looney Tunes. And I grabbed the Looney Tunes and I'm going to switch them on the way out.

Oh, no. Fuck.

Damn.

Who is it on the back?

Uh -oh. Petey Bird.

It's Petey

Bird. It's Petey Bird, unfortunately. It's the whole brand. It's Petey Bird.

No, that's the way it's on brand. Yeah, it's Petey Bird. I paid an X -Men prices for it. Australian Devil.

It's Petey Bird. Marvin, the guy from Venus.

Bags Bunny. Marvin. Marvin, the guy from Venus.

I kept the name Marvin. Yeah. Yeah. Well, he looks the same, but you know he's from somewhere else. You can tell. Well, I appreciate you saying that. And I love having you guys here. Thanks, man. This is the 13th year. And as you know, 13th is a classically lucky year. Yeah, yeah. So everything's going to be fun.

All right, let's drop 50 corn dogs. We'll just flush it again. Just flush it again. Okay, I'll come by. How's 2 a .m.? All

right, guys. Here comes the trucks. All right, everybody. Here we go. I can't hear you. 2 a .m. It's going to have to work. All right. County Fair on 3. 1, 2, 3. County Fair. Oh, shit. Yo, hurricane's headed here. Back it

up. Back it up. Corporate bullshit. Back it