8. Family Having Lunch

All right, guys. Listen, so if we do get lost, why don't we meet where they make the really good ham sandwiches?

Okay? If we get separated, if we can't find somebody, obviously the service is spotty here at the fair.

Dad, how long do I have to be separated before I got to go there? That's a great

just want to spend the whole day without you? I'm tired of hanging out with you, Dad. Jeez. I don't think I can eat another ham

question. What if I

sandwich. Honey. Every time we find each other, we got to eat a ham sandwich, and I can't do that.

I just figured why have it be at the Ferris wheel, the meeting point? Why not have it be at a lunch spot? And I know we did breakfast ham, San.

Let's just all stay together.

I just want to thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Mendelsohn. And since my parents aren't really speaking to each other now, it's nice to just be at the fair. I told you to

stop talking about your parents' divorce, Robert. Okay. Sorry. Jeez. Sorry. Thomas. What?

I'm tired of this attitude now. Robert's parents are going through it. He wasn't going to get to come to the fair. So we swooped him up this morning. We saw him fighting. We swooped him up. They barely noticed. A lot of people almost get divorces, you know.

I don't care. I don't care about people's

relationships. You should just have a little bit of gratitude for what you have right now.

What do I have? I used to be mad at my parents all the time. See, Thomas? And now I don't have an opportunity to be mad at both of them at the same time ever again. But you could be mad at both of them

separately. Here's your 20.

you.

Thank

What the heck?

Suzanne. What? Don't be giving out our cash.

I'm trying to have my son's

friends teach him lessons. What is this? You're running over here, this little thing. 20 kisses, please. Robert. No. No. Don't. Robert,

you have to be 18. You can spend that however

you like. You have to be

18 to do the

kiss. You can spend that however you like. No,

Suzanne.

doesn't.

he

Yes, he

does.

He does not have

to be 18. We're not doing under 18 kissing booth again, okay? Why not?

Because you just got out of prison.

He's just running it. He's just running it. Just look at the sign. It says non -sexual kissing.

No. They're all, and they are all sexual

if it's a kissing booth. Man, this is what's so messed up about you guys. Your rules are so

strict. I know. Just don't.

Well,

if we can't use the booth, he

wants a

kiss.

Thank you. Thank you, Mrs. Mendelsohn. Thank you again.

Oh, you were kissing Robert? Suzanne. The booth

is closed. I just heard a kiss out of the corner of my eye. I had my eye on the ham, and I turned around, and you're kissing our son's friend. You stop watching me.

Stop watching me. And if you quit misbehaving, I'll keep my eye off you.

Okay, Suzanne? Why don't you keep your eye on the ham? I know that's where you want it to be.

I know, but it ain't out of the oven yet. It ain't hit the pan. Dad,

three oven -baked ham sandwiches, please.

Wait, I don't get one? You didn't want one, son.

Oh, my God. You know what?

You were talking trash about ham all the way here. You said, turkey this, turkey that. Turkey funnel cake. Turkey funnel cake. Turkey into funnel cake. Well, I want a fucking turkey funnel cake. I'm sorry for cussing.

Okay, let's have fun at the fair, okay? I agree. I think we need to go clockwise. All the best booths. We save them to the end. We got all the best booths around 11, 1030, all

that. Yeah, let's start at the worst booth and work our way around clockwise till we hate the beginning of the day and then the end of the day gets good.

Well, you don't

want

to,

hate to say

and I

this. You have to say it. Blow your why.

And Robert, that's the only way I could

imagine. Robert, we're sorry. It's

okay. I just feel so lucky to be around two parents at the same time. It's just so nice. Don't. Don't.

It's a twerp. No.

What? You changed it to hugs?

That's

still bad? You won't let me kiss them.

I guess hugs is better.

Yeah. Come here. Good

Quick

signage.

signage.

Quick signage change.

Hugs are not

about to hard.

It's so hard. Is it

hard enough?

You're choking up. Is it hard

enough?

Easy on Robert. I got to bring him back to his parents. Not hurt. Are you having fun,

Ryan?

Get off of him, prison guy.

All right. Here's $7 refund. I got 13 of the 20. It was just nice to get hugged again.

sorry for

Oh, that's so sad. I'm

calling you

prison guy.

That's just what came out when I was scared.

That's all right.

It's okay. It's better than my real name.

It is? Uh -huh. What's your real name? Guy prison. Dang.

I guess

it is a little more jokey.

It's worse in the phone book. Huh?

In the phone book, you were doomed. Yeah. You were doomed. We all know you were headed to the slammer. Yeah, and also, it was real tough for the number of wrong numbers my family used to receive of people trying to call their family members. Right. And then, you know, I never thought I'd be one of the people in there who were making

You ever do a collect call joke?

Me?

Personally? Oh.

We love these as a family, the collect call jokes. I love the family tradition. I will not get my kid a cell phone.

I just tell them to do the trick. So, the collect call joke is you just record something and it's like, you have a collect call from, and then the recording hits.

Diarrhea

man. That's our son's favorite.

Right. I don't like it. It's not my favorite. It's

not my favorite. Thomas, you like diarrhea

man when we hit

you with it. Well, you won't accept the charges unless I call myself diarrhea man.

It's got to be funny. I will not pick up my child

unless they are funny on the collect call. No, I'm not spitting. We're not racking up the bill on, you got a collect call from George Washington. It's diarrhea man. Okay. Keep your eyes on the ham, y 'all.

It's almost out.

You got those

three honey bags. I can smell it. It smells good.

God, it smells good.

If we're starting at the worst and then going up, I might go to the booth where they have the airbrush lead singer of Linkin Park everywhere. Right. It's pretty specific, that booth.

And after that, there's the massage. I would say that's near the worst, at least. Well, the bad massage booth.

Well, there is the good massage booth and the bad massage booth, and we know which is which. There's the shih tzu and there's the shiatsu. The shih tzu, of course. A dog just walks on your back.

Right. Pretty light. Pretty

light dog.

About eight pound dog. That doesn't really get much deep tissue. But I'm just happy. See, my parents and I used to go on the zipper together. Maybe we could do that.

Oh, such a violent ride. Was it the last time you ever saw it together? Robert?

It's less. I have a theory maybe that the zipper is what tore them apart. It's such a violent ride.

It's where it brings the worst parts of any relationship out. They do have a lot of arguments about inner ear issues.

So it could be. Yeah. You don't have to worry about that, Robert. My parents don't let me go on any of the dangerous rides,

quote unquote. Oh, Thomas.

Well, you know,

we have a very personal history with injury at Carnival. And you know that.

Yeah, I know. But it's

what happened to Grandpa

isn't going to happen to anybody else. Are you kidding me? The boat got stuck upside down and he fell to his death. That happens at least once a year. Pirate ship locked at 12 o 'clock. And I love the clock. Grandpa? That is the one nice part about it is where we go, that's midnight. Oh, when it strikes

12, even though Grandpa did pass. Before that, we were giddy. We were like, it's... The ride stopped funny. Yes, but Grandpa did.

At least he lived a long, happy life, right?

Both of those things are untrue.

loved that. He

Well, he

was only 42 and he worked at a shit factory.

And that's an important job. That's a very important job. It's... They

wouldn't have a water cleaning

facility.

Okay?

That's not the shit factory. They don't make shit. They made clean water.

They... A byproduct is they do have a lot of poop and trash and stuff there, but it's not the... That's not what they're making.

They're making clean water. And technically, there are some people there that are pretty artistic and they do make some things out of the matter.

But... What a terrible story that he spent his whole life miserable just looking forward to the one day out of the year where he gets to do his favorite thing, go on the pirate ship ride. And then the thing... The only thing he loved in the world is what ended up killing him.

What he thought... 364 days a year working with shit. He thought he was on Pirates of the Caribbean, which typically does not have a lap. It does not

have a flat bar. We lied to him. We told him it was a calm,

chill. We... It was our... We were like... His

vision was going... Yeah, that's the Pirates of the Caribbean.

Because of all the shit in his eyes, he had pink eye all the time from working at Shit Factory. He couldn't see. And we were

like... Water

treatment plant.

Water treatment plant.

I'm not agreeing. It's water treatment

facility. The craziest part is... They are making nice things with shit. The craziest part is he got employee of the month at the Shit Factory and they told him his prize was going to Disney World.

These two...

Are

you crazy? And they said that this was Disney World. We took him to the county

fair. Told him it was Disney. So we put him in. No lap bar. No seat belt. Into the ship that goes 360, of course.

That's what the company sort of does. They give you a big gif and then they say, family, lie to them.

Tell them it's something else. They will agree. If you've told them... If you've called ahead and be like, we're lying to Grandpa. We're telling him to Disney Land. Look around. Look around. All the families you can see lying to Grandpa. Everybody with a finger on their mouth. Shh. Shh. All the grandpas are being lied to right now.

Press one if your toilet is dirty. Press two if you're lying to Grandpa.

Yeah. So anyway, it was our fault.

I'm sorry to bring up, I guess, rides. It was hard to

avoid. It's okay. It's okay.

The guys, 3EB is playing at 8. I wanted to see them. That's all the members of Third Eye Blind except the lead singer.

Oh.

That's so cool. Can we go?

Can we go to 3EB? I didn't know you were a 3EB fan.

Oh, well, I wasn't a fan of Third Eye Blind, but when Stephen Jenkins left the band, I got into it.

Oh, you didn't like him? No. You just like sort of the

rhythm. The rhythm section in Third Eye Blind. Yeah. Okay. You have like the best bass player and the best drummer.

I feel like I've seen them so many times. You've been? Yeah. Oh, yeah. I think we should go see a different group.

Lifehouse?

Lifehouse or...

I

didn't know Lifehouse was playing. Well, it's not Lifehouse. It's L -E -B. Yeah. It's Lifehouse, but God's not involved

anymore.

They kick God out of the band. I know. I know.

All the beautiful melodies and good music know God. It's better.

I like that so many bands from the 90s are doing like Dead and

Company where they don't have the only guy everyone liked from the band. Yeah. But they're bringing along. Well, I

guess when you've always made bad music.

It looks like later tonight, 31 is playing. It's 311 without the blonde guy.

Leonard

Who is

Skinhead?

That's my band. That was, yeah. Are you

Leonard?

No, he's Skinhead Leonard, unfortunately,

in the phone book. Who is

Skinhead Leonard?

Yeah. Change the booth to Backpats if you want them. Oh, um. Don't get your hand below the belt. You're calling them Backpats, but those are butt taps.

It's on the back, ain't it?

Oh, sorry. Mrs. Mendelsohn shook her head at me, so I guess I can't do it.

Yeah, you're not doing that. Well, I guess I'll go over to my other booth, the massage booth. So Skinhead Leonard

runs one of the massage

booths.

What was that? Guy Prison. I will say. Well, Guy Prison is Skinhead Leonard. So

Guy Prison's nickname is Skinhead Leonard? Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah,

yeah. Jesus. He's the worst guy in town. Do we agree? He's the worst guy in town? He's a bad guy. He's not a good

guy. Why don't you say he's the worst guy in town? Listen, the jury's still out.

We killed our grandpa, tricking him into thinking. He's kind of Skinhead Leonard who's trying to kiss little boys.

worst guy in

He's the

town. Hey, hey, why do

you think the trailer exists?

Which part is worse? That's the thing.

Oh, it's too confusing?

confusing. Whereas killing

It's too

your grandpa is a

very

clear one reason you're bad. It's clear we're bad. We're like, is this guy?

Why do you want to compete to be the worst guy in town? Just give it to Skinhead

Leonard.

You

want to be feared. People stay out of your yard.

You can have the dirtiest yard in town. Nobody will mess with you as long as you're bad. Cars, couches, weights, set, all of it. You've got to walk the walk if you want to have a dirty yard in this town. You

guys do. I will say I'm so grateful you took me away from my parents' fight, but you have a very frightening yard.

Well, because

I'll walk around looking at everyone's front yard, if

you want to have a gumball machine that is 15 times its normal size in your front yard just grown up with trash, you've got to be a bad guy. You've got to kill your grandpa. Ain't nobody

knocking on that door. What are you talking about your gumball machine, by

the

way? Did you like it?

It's hard to get through because you have so many very long extension cords running across the street past your yard. And you know the gumballs are

M80s inside. I didn't know that. It's very

good to know. We don't like to pay for our own electricity.

Yeah.

So we siphon from across the street. We do. You know who threw the stink bomb in the bank last week? Us. That's us.

That's us. That's

us. That's

Well, all the prisoners

us.

running around town got everybody pretty confused, so we're getting a little freaked. Why did you let ISIS take credit for that if it was you?

want to get busted. We do. We like causing the mischief. We don't want to get in trouble for it. Yeah. You blame anything on ISIS.

Well, we don't

they'll take credit for just about anything. They knew it was the dog, huh? What? They knew it was the dog. Like, who farted. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. ISIS ate my homework.

And

anything.

You blame

God. God. Robert, I feel like we should just trade families. I hate my parents.

Thomas, don't say that. We have. I think you're justified now in how much you hate us because we have.

Life is so chaotic at my house, Robert. At least now you have a clear

line. You know what I mean? It is so much better for two parents who hate each other to just stay together and put it around you all the time than for them to figure their things out, be honest, and end the relationship because I feel so lonely now. What do you mean? They're just all,

they're

always mad at each other. My dad is going out on three to six Tinder dates a day.

A date? Yes. That sounds cool. He's got that thing that I saw online where it's just this piece of ham and it's always swiping right on his phone.

It's a piece of ham? Speak it up.

They just hit the pants. I smell good. Keep the sandwiches coming all the way down to the bone.

I got to say, I don't want to give notes to you guys, but done on the pan, burn on the plate. Let's get

the ham off the pan. Off the pan. It's cooking while it's sitting.

Let's go. Yeah, you shouldn't be cooking the ham in a hot

cast iron. How about you guys get in here and you cook a sandwich

instead of giving me notes all day? How about?

Okay. Come

on. Oh my God. Skinhead Leonard, you do this too? I do. Is it ham bone?

Damn it.

Is that you? I put on this wig and I try to. You try to be ham bone? Is this

why all the lines are so goddamn long? Do you run everything at the freaking fair?

Not everything. If you could. There's. Let me see.

Where's ham bone? Ham bone. Where's ham bone? Let's just say 12 o 'clock. It's 12 o 'clock. No. Ham bone. No. Ham bone. Where do you think you are? Ham bone. I'm in the world. Ham bone. You're being

tricked.

What ride do you think you're on right now? Little mermaid.

No, ham bone. Little mermaid.

You're outside.

I've been tricked. Oh.

Oh my God. That must be triggering

for you guys to see ham

bone.

Whoa. That's the same way

as

your grandpa. Honestly, these

sandwiches are kind of better with creepy guy making them. That was really insane. Watch your ham bone get smashed.

Sorry. I

was focused on the sandwich.

No, these are good. Should we make way for the medic? What are the rules here? Is it the same as

street walk? Get out of the way. Get out of the way. Get out of the way. You get out of the way. Get out of the way. You don't push me. Ow. No. That's my husband. Get in there, Suzanne.

You might be the worst people in town, actually.

We are.

Stabbed.

Tell everybody. You might be the worst. You might be worse than skinhead Leonard guy prison.

Shut up.

Ah.

Mrs. Mendel saying ow.

All right. A medic is knocked out cold. Nobody's going to save ham bone. Thank God. Don't ever talk about us like that again. Robert, we taking you back to your parents. No. No. Yep.

Yeah. We were trying to save you. I said no, but now that I've seen what a married couple looks like, maybe I don't want to be around you guys.

Well, there's your dad right over there. He's sitting down with some woman. It looks like they just met.

Big handshake. They don't have a lot in common. You can tell neither of them look like they're pictures.

That's

a clear tender date.

They both did the

Friday day. It's a double catfish. It's a double catfish. How can you do a double catfish? It happens all the time. Speaking of catfish, y 'all want to go to the booth? Next booth. Next booth. Catfish sandwich.

It'll be five minutes. Extra American cheese on mine. It'll