7. Booth Shopping

So, um, honey, for your birthday, I budgeted $400, um, here for the little convention center area. So these are all like vendors who have their own products. They're selling the, my pillow guy started at a County fair with stuff like this. And so it's a lot of fun inventions, t -shirts, $400 budget. You can use it however you want for your birthday.

You're going to buy me a big gift. Is that what you're

saying? Yeah. Yeah. I love that. Yeah. Just like that, it would be fun to big gift or a bunch of little things to get up to

400. That's so sweet.

Yeah. You really heard me. Yeah.

I want something personal this year. I want something sort of bespoke.

Great. Well, the County fair convention of, uh, uh, independent businesses and small businesses.

Do you like figurines?

Oh, no. Um, well, no, but

you know, this man worked very hard on things and I think you probably recognize, how are you? Hi, hi there, little one. How are you?

I'm just, I'm a shorter woman.

I'm just a shorter belt woman. I'm so sorry. You'll have to forgive me. Why? My wife is extremely tall. So I get, I got a bit confused. Uh, well,

how, how the whole world must be a little askew then if

that's how you see proportions aren't a thing I'm used to. I make tiny figurines.

Uh, that's interesting. Tall wife, tiny figure. Oh, even the figurines are, I can tell which ones are your wife for sure. Let's go. No, no, no. Please, please, please, please, please, please.

Let's keep moving. No, please. You'll love, you'll love these things. Uh, well, thanks, sir. Have a good

day.

Okay.

You know what? I totally

understand.

I missed you on the

intro. Absolutely. Um, yeah, I mean, they're not all like this. I think the worst ones are a front. So that

makes sense. Cause they want you to go all the way. Sour candies.

Sour candies. Oh, you love those.

Ooh, maybe just one. Super sour kabloom for you or your wife. What's

a kabloom?

A super sour kabloom. This is the sourest candy this side of the Mississippi.

The sourest?

The sourest. We were just voted the sourest candy this side of the

Mississippi. Does it taste good?

Yes.

If you like sour, you're going to love this. Will you try one for me? Okay. Think of the show, The Hot Ones. Yeah. The Hot Ones, not Hot Ones. Right. Remember that?

The Hot Ones. The one. This was where, uh, um, uh, Stifler would just look at women and say which ones were hot while interviewing somebody. No, I guess I was thinking of Hot Ones. So think of the show Hot Ones

and think of sour. I can't stop thinking of the show where Stifler rates

women while trying to interview celebrities. Listen, I... Let's keep moving. And best of luck

to you, sir. And you too.

And you too and your little daughter. I said wife is a joke.

Honey,

you. You're welcome.

thank

You are doing so good at listening to me this year and it's been

amazing. It's just, I feel like so many of our issues are that you really want to do something and I don't. And now I'm trying to hear you when you say it immediately.

And I really appreciate it. It's lovely. Ooh, what's this one over

Would you like to see my crochets?

here?

I can see most of them right here.

hanging up. It looks like you see all two of them.

They're

Yeah, they're very nice. Yes, of course. I hear I have a small blanket and here

have a small hat. These are really beautiful. Thank you. Can I say Amanda's Crochets? Amanda is an interesting name for someone of your...

I

Stature? Stature. Well, excuse me.

You don't meet a lot of really old Amandas. Well, I know. I was the first, actually. The first Amanda.

Wow, it's history.

Yes, yes. According to the state

registry. Did you plan this? No, I know it feels like I planned you meeting the first ever Amanda, but it's just a fun

thing to have when you say yes to the world. Honey, do you have some customers here? Yes, Rylan. What's up? I'm Rylan Zane. I'm a 95 -year -old man. Okay. Look, I didn't know they made skateboard walkers. Grinding, bitch.

Oh, my God. It feels like a plan, but it's just saying yes to the

world. Well, my hubby brought me here to buy me some crafts for my

birthday. Well, now... And I am not finished talking.

I was wondering, would it be possible to get one of these crochets that isn't attached to your hair? Because I see how these kind of all...

you, honey, you shouldn't be wearing the hat and have the blanket on.

I told

Well, you know, I just wanted people to see them in context. You know, sometimes you can't tell if something's going to be comfortable or look fashionable if it's not on someone. So I just... I really want one. I want one. Okay, how much? For the hat?

Would you like the hat or

the blanket? I can't tell. I want whatever... All of it.

I

want the knitting. I'll do a package deal for $13 ,000. Wait. Honey. Honey, I said $400 a little bit. Oh,

these are

handmade.

Even when she said $13 ,000, I was like,

it's a

little much. And then she said $1 ,000, and I was like, way too much. We're not even close. Sir, don't you want

to make something special? Have a good day. Special luck to you. I'll be

right behind you, sweetie.

Your daughter's going to grow up to hate you. We said married.

Date someone your own size.

Those teens were

weird. They weren't teens.

They just had young names. They seemed young. The one on the skateboard rocker. Eggies.

Eggies.

What

this be? Fresh Eggies. I'm hungry. Are you hungry? Fresh Eggies. Yeah, I am hungry. I'm hungry. Scrambled over easy, hard -boiled,

could

big. I'll take one big egg.

All right. I do not really know where this came from. I think it's an ostrich egg.

You would just want it as is in the hand, fraîbrize style? Can you cook it and scramble it, but don't break the shell?

I

don't

know how to. Can we do

scrambled and shell, please?

Scrambled and shell. We'll pay

extra. We've got a four -hands on. Slowly heat

it up and kind of shake it around. Perfect. Okay. All right. Great. I'll do that for you. How much would that be? Thirteen. All right. Hundred.

Add three zeros.

We're out of here.

We're out of here. It's 1 .3 mils. Best of luck

to you,

sir. Best of luck to you. And you, too. Okay. Thank you. And you know why.

You know why. You tell me. I'm on my tiptoes.

I'm on my tiptoes. I'm a woman. I'm an adult woman.

I know. Sorry about all those people up there. This is where it gets real nice. I've painted every wrestler.

I've painted every wrestler. Talking through a fan. Why is he holding up a little?

I am about to. Between customers, I am being secretly interviewed. I'm a whistleblower. So I'm kind of going back and forth. And

it's easier to just keep the fan on. We can see you and kind of tell. Like, it's not going to keep you a secret.

Okay. Well, they lied to me then on the news.

I'll also say you still look like Jesse the Body Ventura.

Is that you, Jess? No, I just have painted all the wrestlers. Well, one wrestler a lot.

Yeah,

it's you. There are a lot of Jesse the Bunnies. But I will tell you this much. This whistle's getting blown on the first Predator movie. They are not ready for what hit them.

Jesse, my husband ran to the bathroom. I'm not sure why. I will take

a - And we're new people.

I will take a painting -

New to what? The fair. Oh, okay. What would you

like here? I'll take a painting of you for $20.

Okay, wonderful.

But you're going to have to wait until my husband comes back.

That's an unacceptable deal to me. He's going to

be right back. I'll do 20 cats in hand. But

it has to happen right

now. You and me, no husband. He'll be right back, I swear.

I can't wait. I am doing a blockbuster teardown of the first Predator movie. Everyone's going down. Schwarzenegger, Carl Weathers, Rest in Hell.

Jesse, we're ready for your testimonial.

All right, brother. Go ahead. Listen here, brothers. The stuff that happened on that set, I am talking hummus and crafty. I

am just all - Jesse, let's pause for a second. We can see your ID peeking

out of your coat lapel. Oh, yeah. I need it to let people know that I work

here. Yeah, and remember last time when we were rolling on the last take, you said your name repeatedly. So just don't do

that. No problem. No problem. I have never seen such egregious on -set disrespect. Not even in my time as governor of Minnesota in the early

2000s. It's cool

they just film these right here. It's cool they do this right at the convention

hall. He said he'd only do it if we did it right now. We told him we would come back tomorrow. He said, I need to do the interview right now. $20 cash in hand or not

at

all.

I'm going to see how the sausage is made. It's very interesting. Do we have a deal, by the way? Keep rolling. It's all right. Do we have a deal? $20? Yes. All right.

Do you want me to pose like George Costanza in that Seinfeld picture? No, preferably a wrestler vibe. Let me whip one up for you real quick. Stick around. If you and American Gothic -

He's putting himself upside down and painting it, and then he's going to turn himself up right and unveil the painting? He's amusing, Jesse. And here it is. It's

one

line.

It's one line. It's

one line. And you're

dizzy.

These new people.

We're going to keep walking.

We want to go to Super Sour Kabloom.

Let's go. Let's go. Let's

go, honey. Yeah, absolutely. My wife.

Yeah, it was my wife. This is my wife. I know. I know. I'm little. She's big.

It's a weird town. Nobody marries somebody quite to them. Sorry, honey. I think I'm lactose intolerant.

You think so?

I've been thinking that, too.

Yeah.

Because from all the cheese, and you've been going to the bathroom like crazy, you just started eating cheese again. And I think that was what it was in the elimination diet.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah. Because we took everything out. Took

everything out. I wasn't eating it all. Then just added one food at a time until we got back to every single food. And once we added cheese back in second, you've been wrecked. You've been wrecked ever since. We had grain, then cheese, and ever since cheese, you've been

fucked. It's terrible. It's my favorite thing to eat.

I feel like we're not even talking about my birthday anymore. Four hundred dollar rings. Four hundred dollar rings. What kind?

These, every type of ring. Wedding. Promise. Promise. Pinky. Sweetie.

Kills you if you watch it in seven days.

Yes.

Honey, what do you think? Should we get them all? It's four hundred dollars

for all the

rings? No, it's per ring. Shoot. Shoot. I can do a deal for four.

I feel like we're so early in the convention center. Do you want to blow the whole wad on these? And I'll

just say ring pops. Yeah,

we

got

to stop using that phrase. It's

about cum.

talking

Oh my God.

Blowing a wad is cum? I thought it was money. Wad of money.

I think it's cum.

It's become cum. It's definitely mostly cum. Definitely

cum's cum.

Yeah.

I'm going to

move on.

Why don't we buy nothing until the very end of the day?

We're fine. We're going to run around and see if we can lowball everyone at the last second. Great idea. Okay. Blastic bags. Blastic bags over here.

You'd love it if we bought one, huh? I really want one, but not yet.

Well, honey, I am carrying all of those. Paper bags.

Paper bags.

Get your paper bags. Dry or wet? Wet. We'll take one. Don't lazy.

Don't bust your whole nut on

this. Bloss tote bags.

Don't bust your whole nut.

Don't bust the nut egg. It's my husband's

nut. Don't blow your nut egg. Don't blow your nut egg. Cloth bags over here. Okay.

Shoot a nice splooge on these ones. Honey, let's go. This is not a good birthday.

We haven't had a single gift. Well, well, well. Look who's

back. It's super sour kabloo. Well,

well, well.

take two kabloo. All right. Be careful. It'll knock your teeth out. It's going to make your lips irrevocably perched.

We'll

You know, sour

puckered. Puckered, yeah. Yes. Yes. Go ahead.

Pop your mouth open.

Bloop. Bloop. Bitter beer face.

Oh, super kabloo. I hope you're filming for the commercial. Super kabloo. All right. Now I'm going to ask you about your next project. Okay.

You're on super sour. Oh, that one actually didn't bother me.

That was fun.

All right. So you guys have been collaborating at City Hall for nearly 20 years. What has been the most interesting thing that you find that most people come in for? Oh. Good question, first of all. God damn.

Really good question. I would say to figure out why we're together size -wise.

Right. That has sort of been in the press about you guys. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Sorry. Do we owe you $2 .6

million? Sorry. These are super kabloo. I've had a kabloom, but these are super kabloo. Could you say that right in the camera? Kabloom, but these are super

kabloo.

Super kabloo, guys. They really deliver. Thank you for being a testimonial.

Oh, you're no problem. Honey, this has been the best birthday

I've ever had. Honey,

don't mock me. Hey, whose wad of $400 is this on the ground?

There's a big wad over here. That's mine. That's mine. Are you? Really? Yes. How do I know? Whose wad is this? Who

left their nut on the ground? It's mine. I'll tell you, because there's five 20s. Okay. Go ahead. All right. So you're at 20.

No, five 20s. Okay, 25.

Sorry.

This isn't going to work. Let's keep going. This isn't going to work. A hundred. I've got it. No, no, I'll get him. I'll

get him. Okay. I'm counting it back at you. Five

20s.

else is in this wad? Okay. One thousand pennies.

Okay. What

Shit.

What is that? A hundred dollars?

I think it's only

$10.

$10 a thousand

pennies? Yeah. Yeah. You're probably right. A hundred pennies is. You're

right. All right. You're at a hundred. This really is a wad.

Four 20s again.

Yep. Okay. We're up to $210.

Big sack with a dollar bill painted on the outside.

Okay. Yeah. So we're still at $210. What now?

Three fives. Yep. Oh, what about those Susan B. Anthony's I let

you borrow? Borrow.

$225.

Susan B. Anthony dollars? How many? One. Okay. Two Susan B.

Anthony's that I

borrowed. Thank you. One. One. Wow.

$227.

We're at $227. Husband trying to steal a dollar

from you on my

birthday.

Skimming off the top. Yeah.

They always do that.

out of the middle. Soon as you're a little wife, husband comes in. You think you can take advantage of me

Right

like crazy.

Stop commiserating with the man stealing our money. Hey, you want to leave with me? I've only given him back $227.

We can leave. Me and you. The rest of you. Yeah. Maybe. Let's get out of here. Excuse me. Could you stop doing this in front of our booth?

me that hat. This is for my little wife.

Give

You pulled off my hair. You pulled off my hair too. Don't make me take off my shirt and fight you guys in the street. I'll hit you with this

skateboard. Ow, my hair. Don't hit my wife. What's your name again? My last

name's Zayn. Rylan Zayn. Do not hit my wife, Rylan. Rylan!

You need to go to the call.

Rylan,

don't hit my

wife! You

need to go to the call and competition. Honey, I think I know what I want. What? Shoes.

I want a new pair of

shoes from the fair. Let's get you a pair of

Eggies. Okay.

You think they have Nikes here?

I said Eggies.

Eggies!

Welcome back. Hello.

Hey, I've almost got this egg heated up. Oh, we changed our minds. We just want a pair of your Eggie shoes. Oh, you want Eggies?

Yeah. All right. Track for track.

Honey, you're not going to just start running track out of nowhere. What do you mean?

Okay.

You're not going

to just start running track out of

nowhere.

Why not? You've got to stretch. I don't like to stretch.

Well, you're going to hurt yourself right away. It's not the shoes. I don't mind that. Okay. My honey has shin splints, so we want track shoes that won't hurt her.

All right. So, Egg shoes

meant

for track.

Eggies.

Sprinting. The Eggies. Okay. You want

just crack it written on the side of it? Yeah. Crack it on the side. And do you want zero drop or huge drop? Huge. Huge

drop. She's got huge arches. Honey.

Oh, sorry. That's our little thing. Sorry.

Huge drop. I don't know what her arches are like. Wink. I need to know seriously what her feet are like for the Eggies. Oh.

Okay.

Someone else has a foot.

I don't

mind. Look at those arches.

Big

natural arches. Wow, that's straight up like a U -shape. That's like a U -foot.

I don't even put my foot in the Eggie. I just put it around the top.

Mm -hmm.

Whoa. Ooh la la. Excuse me. Excuse me. Picking up an order for Ryan. I placed it four hours ago.

Oh, yeah. It's for a big scrambled egg. Yeah, big scrambled egg. Oh, good. I actually made one on accident. They took their order

back. Oh, fantastic. It's been a tough day over at the figurine store. Oh, no. Yeah. Nobody's wanted to buy one.

All right. Well,

good

luck to you, sir. Have a good one.

Hey, one more chance. Should

we circle back? One more chance at a figurine.

Yeah, let's get the figurine that's life -size your wife, the 6 '5 one.

Mm -hmm. How much for that? For the life -size 6 '5 figurine of my wife? Yeah.

Honey. Honey. Sell it.

She's in there.

Honey. Sell it.

It's finally one. All right. How much do you have?

Robo. Robo. Two hundred and twenty -five dollars.

Okay. I'll do it. Two hundred and twenty -five. Wink. For the figurine of my wife.

Wink. Wink, honey. Wink. You just got winked. I don't know what the wink means.

Wait, what happened? Don't sell it. We have way more

money.

Well, a deal's a deal. These two Susan B. Anthony's,

they're mine now.

What do you think about Sacagawea? Because I got a couple of those I didn't even let my husband borrow. Honey, don't

brag to everybody about your

Sacagaweas. You're gold and colored. It's gauche. It's gauche

your Sacagaweas. They're not real

to brag about

gold. They just look gold.

Tacky. Tacky.