1. Opening Ceremony

So here is the running order. We have it up right here. Obviously, we're going to start with the mayor. I'm glad you're here. Really good job.

I'm happy to be here. This is my favorite part of the job.

Yes, yes. So we'll start out with you. You'll just give a little quick speech. It doesn't have to be too much. I know you are in the middle of a campaign, and you do want to get into some of the issues, but I think if we just start quick, because we have a lot of stuff to get through, as you can see. All right. What I'm seeing is a captive audience of potential voters, but I will be quick. I hear you loud and clear

on that one.

Okay, good. And then, of course, we have on deck here the financier. Oh,

I cannot wait. I cannot wait. I mean, you've really outdone yourself this year.

I got two of those guns that shoot out dollar bills. They're going to be fake dollar bills. I never give away money, but I'm going to be shooting out dollar bills when I come out, so everyone's going to be like,

the fair, it's bigger than ever.

Great, great. And do you have any, you have like a t -shirt cannon? You usually bring t -shirts or like some type of swag.

No, this year we're just doing fake money.

Fake money. Okay, it's a lot of fake money here. I feel like you spent a good amount of money on the fake money.

Yeah. Okay, okay. Great. And then who's in the hole? Who is in the hole? Okay, we have our mayor, we have our financier. Who's in the hole?

It's me. Oh, right. I won

the fighting contest last year. Right, the returning fart champion. Yeah, you didn't say

farting. The fart champion. I didn't freaking know that that's what it was going to be. We didn't know that you were going to be, although the financier, of course, made that one of the prizes last minute that you would get to open

next year's fair. So I'm glad we're not opening. I just want everybody to know that I thought I was entering, as a judge for the chili cook -off, I did not realize that there was a second layer to the competition that they were doing unbeknownst

to me. And you have to be here every year. You have to come out on stage every year. That's a rule.

Yes,

I do. And I know you're in the middle of a campaign, so if you could just make sure.

It's going to be hard. It's going to be hard, but

I'll try to stay away from the issues. But, you know, this is... Okay, so the Chuba solo lets us know there's 30 seconds left, okay?

Blow, baby, blow! They love...

They're going to go long. We know he's going to do an encore. We know he's going to do an encore. He's just does one note? Yeah. Oh, that sucks. Okay. People love it, though. People love it. Spin around! Some guy's got his head in the tube. You got me following Tuba guy? Sorry. I'm sorry, Mayor. Okay, Mayor. Remember, get out there. Go. Don't campaign. Quick. And you're on. And now, the town's...

Hey, everybody! He jumped it. He jumped his... Well, fuck it, I guess. Shh. Don't

say that. No, no, no. Yeah, fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Fuck it. Okay,

and now, the town's mayor! I'm on! How are we all doing, everybody? He literally

didn't have any

more? That's all he had? He was worried about getting interrupted? That's why it's so stressful to get interrupted. I only have one sentence. Let me get through it. Okay, you're still mic'd.

Go ahead, Mayor. Folks, I've lost already one minute of my time in that confusion coming out with the announcer, but I just want to welcome you all to the Hamilton County Fair

Grand Openers. You shouldn't talk

trash about the voice of God. Andy.

My mic

no one will take it away. Pull him away. Take it in the microwave. Okay. Go, Mayor. Go.

Look, I come from a family of hard -working Hamiltonians. Woo! Woo! We have been in Hamilton since day one, and we don't believe in some of the

here

celebrities. You moved

Woo! Shh, shh, shh. Quiet. Uh -oh. Shh, shh, shh.

Our energy has been in Hamilton since day one. I married into Hamilton. My wife has been here since day one, and the culture of Hamilton is what's beautiful to me. And the celebrity in politics is disgusting. People running for mayor just because they've won certain competitions. But what do they bring to the table? I obviously have already implemented our defense system. All our T -shirt cannons are now used to protect us. They're pointed outward. And filled with rocks. I'm just, and filled with rocks. Thank you, sir. A voter maybe. But what I love about this fair is it is where the people of Hamilton come together. Rich people, ugly people, poor people, sad people, happy people. Even this guy. Boo and ugly, pure, sad, happy people. Yeah! Yes, we hate when people are happy. We hate

it! Mayor.

Mayor. I'm in your ear? Okay, so let's go. Let's go, okay? Sorry, guys. I think I'm going schizophrenic. And now, the mayor you've all been waiting for. Thank you, Sandy. Oh, my God. The fart king. No, you skipped the finance here. Cletus. You

skipped the finance here.

Cletus. You skipped the finance here. Hello, everyone. Just go out there. Just go out there. It's me, Cletus. Okay. Is that? The sound effects are a bit too much. Is that

Go,

tuba?

Sorry, honey. Sorry, honey. I thought that the farts were the tuba guy, and I got excited. Honey,

I love your

enthusiasm. Just go.

I'm in your ear.

I'm in your ear. Just go, fart man.

Just go. Hello, everybody. Welcome to the Hamilton County Fair. I, of course, am Cletus Detus.

Cletus Detus! The Detus is in the

house!

F -A -R -N -T, man. And just, I just want to come out here and say, welcome

everybody to the fair. F -A -R -N -T. F -A -R -N -T. Did somebody fart? Hold up. Say it. Can nobody spell fart? Isn't that guy who can only spell fart ear? Is it a ear? Did you say funnel cake? Okay,

he's here. F

-A -R -T. Funnel cake. Yeah, you couldn't spell

it.

All right, go ahead. Go

ahead, fart.

I'm

in your ear. I'm in your ear. Just go. Just go. You're actually really distracting.

The financier is texting me, and he does want this to maybe

turn into a debate. I'll introduce. He just wants this to be a debate. Jesus Christ. A mayoral debate, and I just have to do what he wants. Okay, fine. But just rebuttal and then get off. Okay. Well, I just wanted to come out here and say that as a person who actually has lived here since day one, since the founding of the city, this city means more to me than anything in the world. It means more to me than the blue ribbon that I won last year in the farting competition. And so I just wanted to come. Fart.

Fart. Fart.

Fart.

Fart.

Fart. Fart. He misspelled it, y 'all. That's right. Check with our guy. Nope. Check his work. F -A -R -T. What were

you trying to

spell? Funnel cake.

Good. I just wanted to come out here and welcome you all to the fair and let you know that this is going to be a great year for the Hamilton County Fair. I believe my opponent and the actual current mayor.

No, whatever he's going to say, no. Is a good guy. Oh! Yeah.

Oh! Caught.

He's caught. He's tricked

again.

But I just, so that's all I really wanted to say. You know, we all, if you want to know my stance on all the issues, you can go to my website, fart .com. You already got that?

I mean, you're here. I mean, you're here. My assistant got it while the second that it was said. She just texted me and said that it is live. You have an assistant? Yes, of course I do. I want a fart contest.

And the chili cook -off? Or you just ate at the chili cook -off? I was a judge

in the chili cook -off. Sorry, sorry. You're on stage. You're on

stage. Talk to the audience. Sorry. So, yeah. Anyway, my

opponent is - This part is bombing. And

now, let's bring out your high school cheerleaders. You skipped the financier.

He doesn't matter. The cheerleaders

are barely here. They're scattered around the fair.

As many cheerleaders

as are here come out on the stage now. Oh, my God. Music make you lose control. Music make you lose control. And folks, that's the high school acapella group. Music

make you lose control.

Music make you lose control.

What's your favorite word?

Harts. Harts. What's your favorite word? Farts. Farts. Music make you lose control. Let's go. Farts. Farts.

Farts. Farts. How did they learn this song already? Farts. Farts. Farts. Music make me lose control. Let's give it up for your cheerleaders. That was the acapella group. Farts. It ended up being the acapella group.

Let's give it up for

the cheerleaders.

Back to the

debate. Back to the debate.

We're going to go. And here we go. Smashing backwards into the debate. Ladies and gentlemen, you'll have to forgive me. I recently went fully schizophrenic. I've been hearing a voice in my ear and in my head.

And I'm feeling a little. He's talking to me right now. Hang on. That's me.

That's me. I know it's

you. You're on stage debating.

I agree with you. Address some of the town's issues. You're just telling me what I'm doing. Address some of the town's issues. The voice is telling me to address some of the town's issues. Woo. Let's start with number one. Our dirt has blight.

We haven't grown a good.

Our dirt has blight. We haven't grown a good corn in six years. Everybody's seen the corn we're growing.

He's focusing on the soil. He's going straight to soil.

Our biggest issue. It's all baby corn coming out of regular corn stocks.

Blight.

It's blight.

He's talking about blight. All right. Respond.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Sorry. Guy at the corn booth just wanted to say

all the corn we're selling this year is fantastic corn. It's small on purpose. We like it because it's sweeter and you can eat the whole thing. You can eat the cob. These tiny corns eat the cob. We're still grilling it. It's as good as ever. And corn man out.

That was corn

man. Visit corn man to get a big piece of corn

and it's okay if it's small. Is Sandy getting paid off to just

let people on stage? I don't know. He didn't say hashtag ad. All right, fart man. Talk about blight. Okay. Here's the thing. Here's the thing, folks. We have to think about the root cause of the issue. You know, just two years ago, the soil in this town was perfect. You know, we had more corn than you could ever have. We had cotton. We had peanuts. We had soybeans. And then

wouldn't you know. Blow, baby. Baby.

We had so many crops, you know. And then this guy gets elected. He moves to town and then gets

elected. And all of a sudden, nobody knows it. Yeah, it sounds memorable. It's Cletus Detus.

Cletus Detus is memorable, buddy. Okay.

Everybody in this crowd is going to remember on November 4th, when they go into the voting booth, they're going to remember the name Cletus Detus. They're going to look at who's this other guy. I don't even know.

I can't even read it. But Tom is Hitler. Woo. Boo, boo, boo,

boo.

I mean boo. Honey, boo. I

mean

control. David. Gary Davis. His name is Gary Davis. Gary David tall.

Gary David fast. Gary David shooting. A free throw fast.

Bly.

Goodbye. This job and that was Gary

David dancing to the acapella group singing an improvised song. That wasn't improvised. That's been rehearsed. Yeah. Oh. Shut up, Hitler.

Gary David. Gary David. Folks, I think we could be up here and we could be talking all day long and you would

all hate that, right?

that.

Oh, dude. Like

We are coming up on. Honey.

Honey. This gets Hitler going. Honey. Honey. You're acting like Hitler. Stop enjoying the tuba so much.

I can't believe it. What are you,

the mayor? Stop acting like the mayor enjoying the tuba.

Are you going to take his name? I don't

think I can. You just married him a year ago. Are you going to go through the paperwork? I don't think I can. I don't think I can.

I want to keep my own

Goebbels. Goebbels. Goebbels.

Goebbels. We could have been there where the stage is.

Let us

in.

It's the ceremony of it all. We wanted to make sure we had with this is the official gate opening of the fair. So

just everybody. Remember now we are opening the gates. Please. We don't really have a lineup system. It's basically like Southwest. So just remember your number and everyone be polite about where we are in line and honest. Polite and honest. You guys control this. Okay. And just to be safe, we do have gunmen at the entrance. If anybody doesn't want to be safe, we have you armed. We have us armed and you're dangerous.

It's

dangerous for you. It's dangerous in here. We're armed and you're dangerous, folks. And now to throw us into the opening, our yearly tradition, Gerald and his dog Pepe doing a little dance. Gerald and Pepe. Come on. Come on, pants.

I don't want to

do it. Come on. Why do we have to do this every year? I don't want to yank your leash, but I will. Come on. I am not your dog. Okay. I'm your friend. I rented you for the weekend. No.

You have to do this. Okay. Can we unveil that I'm a man in a dog costume? Why? It's going to blow the surprise. No.

When Pepe stands up on his hind legs and he goes, I'm a

man. I'm a man, actually. But we have to save it till the end.

If you tell him when you're - I'll save it till the end. Okay, good. I got a problem. As long as there's showmanship, let's do this

thing. Yes, yes. Okay. Okay, everybody. Welcome to the dog show. Woo! Roof! Roof! That was real. Now, Pepe, what are we going to do when I pull out the newspaper?

Run! I mean, fuck. Roof! Roof! He said.

I blew it. Do I stand up

now? I'm standing up.

Hey! It's me!

The dog show. The dog

show was blown. He missed! He missed! Woo! Woo -hoo!

It's my bad. I was trigger happy up here. I've just never seen a dog talk.

Hey, fuss! I'm also running for mayor. My name's Pepe, like the dog I was just dressed as. I want to talk about blight. Crops were good two years ago. And I actually like where they're headed. Because I like little corn where you can eat the whole thing. So don't you want other vegetables where you can eat the whole thing? Say, eat the whole thing with me on three. One, two, three.

Fart. Eat the whole thing. Okay,

I heard a fart and I eat the whole thing. I heard two eat the whole things. Could you imagine eating the whole avocado? Ball, skin, and all?

Woo! You know the little

ball, skin, and all. Who wants to eat? Everybody say ball, skin, and all on three. One, two, three. Fart.

No one on that one. No one on that one. Okay, we'll skip. We're going to skip avocado.

We're going to skip avocado. What are we doing? Who in here is

tired of not eating the core of

the

Oh! Oh!

Oh, jeez!

Fart! Fart!