4. Fireworks Guys

All right, everybody, let's remember the safety protocols this year, right? Yep. 15 minutes before showtime, everything's set. We create a barrier. No one gets within 25 feet of the active fireworks zone. Everyone should have fire blankets and fire extinguishers on hand. We don't want another incident like we've had in the past. We've got to remember, haven't had rain in the area recently, and we just want to make sure that we keep everything contained this year. Can I say something? Absolutely,

Carl. I'm really excited for the show this year. I think it's going to be a knockdown, drag out performance. I do just want to say I think we should still be doing manual. I think the digital computer thing is bullshit.

But I'm committed. I'm on the team. I'm ready. I just, come on. I understand the concern, Carl, you know, but I want you to know that every mechanical or computer thing has a human backup. You know, we obviously have Kevin over here who has been working on the programming to make sure that the digital triggers for all the fireworks go off without a hitch.

And I made it all the way through that community college class on computer programming. So I am very proud of my system here, and I am getting with the future. No other person in my life is going to leave me for a robot without me knowing it before it happens.

Interesting motivation to getting into computer stuff. I got

to get ahead of it. Because at first my wife started showing me those Boston Dynamics videos, and I was just like, that's wild. I didn't know that she had hard eyes in her eyes for those little dog robots, those little dancing robots, the one robot who's kneading the cake and humping the table. Is that why she's been pushing you around? She's trying to tip you over to see your reaction time? And she's tipping me over, and I am way slower than a robot. So I'm trying to understand this stuff. But you can guarantee, as long as nobody puts one of those comfy fire blankets on me, I'll be wide awake,

and I will be running the computer system. Kevin has, we have no reason not to trust Kevin, you know, in all the dry runs that we did out. What was that?

Hey, give me that sleepy time. Give me that sleepy time

Let

tea.

me get you some coffee. Oh, is this sleepy

time? Let me get you some coffee. You know what? Let me get you a... I thought the bear was waking up in the morning.

He's going to bed on the cover? He's going to bed. Yeah. No, just be careful. And also,

Chris, just want to double check. Like,

we've got sort of barriers put up to keep an audience away from the area. I know in the past, we've had people who were really interested in what was going on back here. They'd sneak back and kind of, you know, do the dad thing, stand with hands on hips, looking at the fireworks display. We want to make sure that people can't get back here. We want to make sure that we don't have any sort of...

I am not going to be selling tickets to get close -up looks

this year. I will not be doing that anymore. Thank you. I'm glad that you decided not to do that. You know, I thought it would be like a fun thing to come over here and look at the candles and look at the... Are we doing candles?

Starting with

candles. Throwing up candles, right? We're just going to throw up some candles. Well, and you made your money. You made your money. There's no reason to do it again.

Yeah. I needed that money to get my family out of trouble. I'm good now. Everybody's been released.

So we're fine. That's awesome. Well, I'm glad to hear that. And yeah, so first... Yeah, maybe it's a good idea to run down the run of the show just so we make sure we're all on the same page.

Obviously, we're going to start. We got these catapults set up with these scented candles.

We're going to light each of those. Firework scented candles. Yeah. Very nice. They smell like that sort of sulfuric smell of gunpowder.

A lot of our budget went into the Yankee candles at the beginning that smell like fireworks. Well, it's such a specific scent. We had to get it developed specifically from a scientist who unfortunately can't be here today.

We did lose him in the phase of development.

Yeah.

He died of smelling, right? Yeah. Well, you know... What do you mean?

Well, he... Stunk. Yeah, he stunk. He

stunked himself. What do you mean? Well, I'll tell you the whole story, actually. I don't think this has come to light yet. But the warehouse he's working in, pretty poorly ventilated, didn't have a

lot of... A little too small. He couldn't handle the smell, so he decided, you know, while I'm working, I'm going to hold my breath. He was too afraid to smell it, to sniff in the smell, held his breath and died.

Which they say... Well, you don't think a new name for how he died, because he died from not smelling.

He died from smelling.

Well, yeah, he died from the process of whether or not you want to

smell it. That was fair. It's...

Right. Sorry, sorry. I just like to be specific about these things, because the robots are going to be specific, so we have to understand this stuff as well as they do. Well, the robots are going to be specific, but not as specific as I could be. Just saying. Right. If you want something to go off right on time, you let Tommy the bomb do it. You let him do it. Yeah. What am I going to do, lose my last finger? I don't think so.

Right. All I need is one. Which, of course, you know... You're working with one pinky. Everything else gone.

But it's dexterous. My pinky points like a pointer. You know

when you go blind there, you can hear better?

Right. My pinky does anything a thumb can do, anything a pointer can do,

because it has to. It swears it can flip the bird.

Absolutely. And you can give somebody an F off. You can tell I'm mad and see what the pinky's doing. It takes place

of the middle finger,

for sure. So anyway, I'm good.

I'm wondering, can I push... I want to push some of the screamers this year. We didn't have enough screamers. I was like... Your cousins? Well, yeah. I mean, my cousins, they have a ton of screamers that they're trying to offload. They are not legal in the state.

But you know, their flight patterns willy -nilly. They... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

If we're doing screamers, I just got to update the program.

Oh,

sleepy time.

Now, Kevin. But I'm happy to update the programming on this one. I just feel like the screamers are a little dangerous. They're a little unpredictable. True. They're fun. They're

really fun. That's what's fun about them. That's true. Okay. Let's do them. Okay.

I put screamers in. So scented candles, screamers. Screamers. Follow that with

screamers. Eight minutes of the Foo Fighters come out.

Oh, yes. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Are we going to do that Dave Grohl pattern in the sky like we talked about? I really want to do the full Dave Grohl in the sky. I got the programming all set up here. I mean, it's crude looking, but

it is Dave Grohl here. Oh, so it's really crude. It's the crude looking. Well,

yeah. It's in the style of crude, but it's

Dave Grohl. You know how you can Simpsonsify yourself? Right. I crude -ified Dave Grohl. I just don't think the movie The Croods was popular enough for us to sort

of reference it right now. It's a huge reference. Still playing at the local theater.

Right. Well,

they are.

In this town, there's nothing

bigger

than The Croods. Yeah. Well, I mean, you remember how big Ice Age was for 18 years

here. The first one only, 18 years of Ice Age. Sometimes, you know, the movie doesn't need to leave the theater.

Yeah. Kids will always want to watch The Croods, and if you're upset about this, I did take a Croods -specific programming class, so it's going to be an issue all day.

My son watched The Croods during his driving test to get his license.

Really? He had it on his phone, and he had it going up because he'd watched it ever since he was zero. You know, as he was getting older, he had to watch The Croods. At every big life event, he watches Croods. Shoulder check, mirror check, Croods check.

Exactly. Signal. All right. So, Yankee, screamers. Dave Grohl is crudified. Real quick. Real quick.

What's this turnstile over here?

This is for people to come and view the fireworks up close. And make

I get a number. We told you you can't do that. Make sure you're going to count on them. We can't. We

sure

told you you can't do that. You're right. You're right. You're right. That is part of what we had outlawed at the beginning. Why don't we flip it around? We make it so the turnstile only

goes out.

That's when we leave. So you can't get back in.

And we know that people are leaving. Okay. I'm going to turn it around. So we need to turn it around. I'm going to turn

it

around. And so we know we got one,

two, three,

four. We got four people in here now.

Good. By the time the show's going off, that thing should read

four. Are these VIP seats? These are comfy VIP seats?

Yeah. Big, nice cushion. Well, we

least one of those seats. I met a lady at the bar last night.

at

do need

These are for our plus ones. Yeah. She's my plus one. I promise her a VIP sit up front.

Good. And by up

front, I mean in the back where the fireworks launch out. We've been out at every bar every night this week looking for plus ones. And we got them. And we got them. And they're sitting here up close with us.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they are mamas. I love me a

mama. And this one is a biker mama. Firework mama. Firework mama.

We got

biker

firework mamas. Hey, if you can read this, a firework accidentally got attached to her collar and took her into the air. You know what I mean? Yes. It's a take on if you can read this, the woman fell

off. Yes. And thank you for saying it that way. Weep. Well, let's get back into it. For me, now, I know we have a whole thing planned, lots of colors, everything. My favorite color is orange.

Oh, that's a classic firework. What do you think about putting a little more orange into all the fireworks? I like that

a lot. It's not bad. You know, we do have some leftovers that we were going to potentially just have. From the ham sandwich place? Because I heard that that place is not selling.

Yeah, well, it takes too long. It's been taking too long. And also, apparently, the guy who did it, he might have died. He might have died in a... Leftover ham sandwiches

is what you wanted to shoot

Well,

it's orange. It's orange. It's not orange. Ham is orange. Ham is not orange. Ham is orange. Ham is like reddish. Reddish. Hang on. On three, everyone just say what color you think ham is. Okay. One, two,

the hand.

three. Reddish. Pink.

Pinkish red.

Depending on how old it is.

It's orange.

Ham is in no

way orange. Sometimes green. Sometimes green.

The outside of it is definitely orange.

Go on.

What if we get all

different ages of ham? All right, color the beef on three. One, two, three.

Orange. What do you mean? Orange? Orange. Brown.

Oh, well done over here.

Yeah, what's up, well done? Oh,

well done. You know me.

Why you be eating it

so well done, man? Hey, I just like the flavor of, if I could eat the grill instead of the beef, I

would.

And I see you try. I hear you. Okay, color of egg yolks on three. One, two, three.

Orange. Orange white.

Blue. Orange white. Orange white.

You're thinking of the exterior of quail eggs. Maybe. I don't

I don't know. I only eat

know.

the sushi restaurant. We're lost. We're getting lost. We're getting

eggs at

lost.

We're getting lost. We're getting

lost. Yeah, look, we got a lot to

talk about. This thing starts in 12

minutes. Do any of you guys have any Old Spice body wash or Axe body spray? Oh, my God,

it smelled good for my lady.

Do you want

body

wash or spray? Oh, yeah, let's all Old Spice. I prefer body wash, but if you

time

don't have it, I'll take spray. I don't think we have

for a shower

right now. Yeah, we don't. There's no showers here.

We do need to smell good for our mamas. That is true. Can we move these seats a little closer, you think?

I'd love to be closer.

I'd love to be closer.

All right. We're close enough here, fellas, also. And I guess if you really want to smell good, you could grab a Yankee candle and rub it on your armpits or something. I don't

know. One thing about a firework lady is she won't lean over to you during a Terminator movie and go, I wish. Uh

-huh. Right. Uh -huh.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Right. Oh, because Terminator's a robot.

It took

me a second. Oh, I see.

My wife. I see. Right.

Your wife left you for a movie character?

I see.

No, she left me for a Boston Dynamics robot.

one that

The

was - To be fair. To be fair. I've talked to your wife and all she said was once she sent you one video of a dancing Boston Dynamics robot and you took

that as some sort of - And you got jealous. She's not - Your ex -wife doesn't want to marry or even

be around. Put the lighter down. Put the lighter down. Yeah. We're not ready to light up. Calm down. Calm down. I'll light these bad boys off. My wife loves robots. She sent me that to make me jealous and I divorced her.

I got

a biker mama covered to the bar.

I got a biker mama covered to the bar. I got a biker mama covered to every bar in town. Are you sure she wasn't

sending that saying like, this is cool? I

think you wanted to pivot to a biker mama and you used the

video. Yes, exactly.

Whatever

it

is, I got to smell good for my

lady tonight. Okay. That's what it is. Yeah. Pretty quick pivot.

And also, I think your mama rides one of those big tricycles. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, sure. Technically, it's a motorcycle, but we still have to call it

tricycle. And it's three car tires, flat ass tires. Tricycles. Well, I guess they got the motorcycle. Talk about the cargo, that thing.

Big old boxes. She seemed like a full biker mama. And then when we left and I started getting on her bike, I was a little perturbed. I

was a little perturbed. Now, I hate to ask this. Is she wearing a big diaper? Sometimes I see her, I go, is this a biker mama? Or is this a giant baby? I can't really tell.

Yeah. What do we think?

Because she seems big. She seems big like an adult.

She seems like an adult. But she's on a huge tricycle with what looks like a diaper sticking out of her jeans. But maybe she's old. Is it that she's old? Big safety bin holding on loincloth. Yeah.

I really hope she's an adult woman. I guess. It hadn't crossed my mind

be a baby. That

she might

that

I

had that.

It's just really excited to see fireworks. But if that's the case, I'm going to have to have a word with the bouncer at that bar who let

her in. Well, I feel your pain. She was in the bar.

She was definitely of

age. When I met

my biker mama in the bar and then I went outside, she had that reverse tricycle. You know,

two wheels up front, one out back. Yeah, the T -Rex. You kind of cruise the strip. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I know. And that was tough for me. Have you ever seen a man with good hair in one of those? I don't think I've ever seen a man who is confident in his hairstyle in one of those.

Really? Every time I see it, that

has the nicest black hair. It's clear the overcompensation

on the reverse motorcycles. Like, oh, they're missing this. So they have that. Nothing I love more than seeing a brand new friendship in one of those things.

You guys who didn't know each other an hour ago, always in those two things. Hey, I need somebody to split this rental

fee with. Absolutely.

Two 14 -year -olds and 50 -year -old bodies were still wearing Arnett's just cruising. Is there anything more humiliating than sitting a passenger seat in a hot rod? Just

being yanked around and you're not even driving? Pretty

fast,

isn't it?

That's awful.

It's true. You never see Jay Leno with partner.

No. You got to roll solo for a hot rod. Yeah, Leno will not sit shotgun. No.

He's never sat shotgun.

He will not not be. He walks around with a steering wheel.

He will never have anyone. He will never actually have anyone to his left.

No. At all. No. I saw him in a Williams -Sonoma the other day. Big, big steering wheel. Just holding it. He was looking for a cutting board and he took a hard left back by the sofas.

I one time was walking down the street. I was on vacation out in Hollywood. I was walking down the street and I saw Jay Leno walking down the street. I tried to pass him on the left and he swerved into me.

On foot.

Yeah.

jaywalking? Yeah. Oh my God.

He was

Horrific.

That's the only time he's walked was jaywalking. He's been in a car every other

moment of his life. That's beautiful.

Why not? That's beautiful.

You know he was born in

a wagon. How does he

get to the car? How did they get him to the behind the desk from the green room? Mavis. Mavis. Mavis

carries him from car to desk and then he goes back

to the car. Mavis will not use car. She's a biped only.

loves her feet. It's a tough relationship. She loves her feet. The Tonight Show desk when he was the host was running off a biodiesel.

She

No. It was. It was. Yeah. Sound guys on

the show did a great job. I heard he used to have a 1919 steel steam powered desk. Absolutely. Wow.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I was going to say.

People are really lining up out there.

Yeah. Wow. I know. Yeah. They're putting their blankets down. They're really ready to see this.

So obviously as you know last night big disaster at my house. Most of the fireworks that were for the night went off in the trunk of my car.

Ruined the barbecue. Still

drivable. Still drivable. And look. Panic still in the neighborhood.

They're still going off over there. They're still little pops. We're making lemonade out of lemons here with what we have left. Yes. There's a few things left.

What if you know those Piccolo Peets? It's the loud. Yes. What if we just light some of those and just throw them in the air?

I've got some sidewinders. The ones that.

Yeah. Kind of shoot up. Those are good. Those are good. I think. And everyone here signed the waiver in the entire fair that they're okay losing their eyes. Right? I think

so. Okay.

Good. I think it was one of those

signs where once you

walk past it, you've agreed. It's in the like sort of the big fine print sign that when you're walking through the door.

And

we keep pushing this and I love this about fireworks that what you feel when you watch them is always worth the danger they cause. That feeling, that slight feeling of like.

Oh. Hmm. Another

one. Is worth the

chaos and danger. It's an unsolvable problem. People have tried drone shows. They've tried laser shows. You just have to be scared as hell before you go. Oh. Yeah.

We can't get the science

down on this, but we're hitting the button. Can I say just one last rule that we didn't discuss? Mm -hmm. No filming tonight. Can we tell everyone to be

present out there?

home.

at

Leave your phones

Finally.

Are you ever going to watch the video?

Finally. Right. Finally.

Yeah. I think that's a great rule.

Yeah. We can maybe even tell people that's coming in. We're going to put everyone's phone and a little lunch bag. There's a bus coming back here with a bunch of old people. What are they doing? I've been on the street in Midtown just hounding people to come watch this up

close. You're doing an old folks home tour?

Yes. There's old folks in the seats of the buses, and where there's luggages, there's just regular age people.

nice. Regular age. Nice.

That's

What is the age where you turn from regular to old? Is it

60? I think 60 these days, probably. Is it 60, and you go to the top of

the double deck? Thank God. I mean, at 59, when you're cramped into the bottom of the bus, that can't

feel very good. It's the hardest of the year. It's really tough. All right. So we're going to light these candles. We're going to send off some screamers. We're going to... We got Texas Pete. Hot sauce. Pete screamers.

Yep. Yep. Yep.

Yep. Yeah. And then, look, the show's going to go off without a hitch. People are going to love it, and they're going to come back next year.

We're going to get another contract next year. This isn't going to be the last year. You guys want me to... But just because you know how the show's going to last about an hour,

I figured we might as well go get some snacks.

Yeah. Do you guys want a turkey funnel cake? One turkey funnel cake.

It looks like... Yeah. I think we should go grab some food. I

don't

think any of our mamas are showing up, and we're seconds away from lighting.

I mean, should we sit in these chairs, or do we go and light it and leave?

I think we

should

light it and leave.

Light it and

leave.

and leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah. Light it and leave. Yeah, I wanted to try some deep fried almonds. Oh, those are supposed to be really small.

Light it

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Well, ladies and gentlemen, take a seat. We're going to tell you, we're going to go ahead and set these off and get the hell out of here. Oh,

Jesus. Bus up in flames. Damn.

What was that? It's burning from the top down. No! Oh, no. Not the regular people!

No! Out, out. Everyone out. Everyone out.

Out of here? Yes. The

bus? Wait.

There's a robot. It's coming over the hill.

It's saving. It's got a big

hose. Ladies and gentlemen, specifically gentlemen, hold your ladies back. They are going to want this robot. No, we need this help. We need this help. Stop.

Man, it's time to take our lives back. Kill the robot with the

flavor. If anybody has any ham, would you please hold it up to the light and tell us what color is it actually? Orange.

Yeah, right. You ain't getting my ham. There's orange everywhere. Folks, we're not trying

to steal your ham. Is that fire or ham?

I'm trying to eat it. Is it fire or ham? You ain't getting my ham. The ham is hot. Hot ham.

Fire extinguished. Oh. Big guy in the city.

What? Hold on. Oh my God, your wife's here. Hold on. He thought he was going to have the last word. Big guy in the

city over here. Oh yeah, the fireworks are still going. We're right in the middle. What? You know, he thinks he's some big guy

in the city. You need

back with your wife.

to get

You need to get back with her. No. I did get stood up by my baby

mom. Hey, can I give you a tip? Big cup of water. Right on this guy's head. On the robot? Yeah. He's toast. You shorted your

regular.

Hello, citizen. I just wanted to shake your hand. Thanks

so much. Oh, thank you. Hey, excuse me. Stop touching my car. Get away from

my

Jay's riding you. See you later. See you guys later.

garage. Oh,

Bye, Jay.