3. Calling Contest

Okay, is everybody lined up back there ready to do their call?

We have everybody lined up. Yeah, absolutely.

Yeah, there's a lot of people who are competing today. Yes, yes,

yes, yes. This is tough competition. Hi, fellas. How are you? Pretty good. How are you doing? I'm doing all right.

Hi!

Just give you a little sample.

Warming up, warming up. By an early voice, I could have sworn this might have been a Dr. Phil competition.

But obviously we're not

all dressed as Dr. Phil. What

does anybody know about Dr. Phil calls a person or animal he's looking for?

I've never heard it. No, I've never heard it. I mean, I guess

I've heard him like introduce, please welcome Kelsey on the show. That's kind of a Dr. Phil call.

Yeah, he

doesn't have to call too loud because of the context of the show. Yeah, he's mic'd up. Did you guys just notice that all four of us are dressed exactly the same? I have been noticing that. Coveralls?

I did once

notice that, yes. Shrimp in coveralls but worn casually? Yes.

I accidentally went too deep. I got water inside. Yeah.

You... I have noticed that you're to the brim.

inside. I'm freezing.

Coveralls but worn

You know that's supposed to keep the... I'm freezing.

That's supposed to keep the warmth in

and the cold on the outside kind of wetsuit style. I know the coverall go up past the belly button but the water's not

that high. And I hate to say it and I don't want to do it this quick into us meeting each other but is that... It seems to be Mojito in there. There seems to be something muddled. Shut up. Okay, sir. I will

to go

supposed

shut up.

That's Mojito. He just took a big sip.

Is that... That's Mojito. I'm swimming around in Mojito in here.

Wow. I got to say I might be acting like a cool cucumber here but I am honored to be doing my first ever calling competition with you introducing me. I mean 15 time calling champion.

Oh.

you know, it just... You have fowl?

I do have fowl. I do have fowl. I have both. Well, I should have said I had bovine, swine, and fowl. But I said I had cattle. And that's not...

Cattle. Cattle. You have to

use the scientificus

genius. Maximus. Species. I love seeing... We love that. How the sausage is made. Just how professional you are about everything. It's an honor. Absolutely. Big

slurp from your overalls.

And

can we just

really quickly go through how you guys want to be introduced? Your credits? Yeah. Because I haven't taken your credits yet. Yeah.

So, Mike. Yeah. Mike Calvin. Yeah, good. Meat guy at Kroger. Meat guy at Kroger.

Good. Do you want me to say butcher?

No, no, no. Okay.

Actually, they don't let me cut it. I just kind of put it out. I'm the guy that sort of loads up the cart, takes it out to the meat department, and sort of puts it into... Okay. So, you've made up this title?

Huh? You're kind of just a runner or a man who works there? Well, I mean, technically on my paycheck, it says stock boy. Stock boy.

Okay. But meat guy. Yeah. But I'll be meat guy here. Wife's name, Carolyn. Okay. Good. Yeah. That is mandatory this year. This is all married men. We're not letting any singles

in.

happened. Yeah. You know what happened last year with the singles. Yeah.

You know how that

crazy. They're running to the call. Right. They were

using it as a dating game. We use our ladies to keep us stable. If I was single, I would be crazy. I'm glad I'm

married. Well, the whole town would be you running around screaming. Everyone

come up.

Everyone chasing me like the Pied Piper of lore. I'm glad it's all married men this

All right. So your wife, Carolyn. Good. We love her. Yeah. Favorite building, Sears Tower. Good.

year.

Sears this year.

A lot of people with Sears. They changed it. Chrysler Building. But I

think it's something else. They changed it to something else. Because it used to be the Sears Tower in

Chicago. But now it's...

You're talking about the one in

New York.

Huh? The recently rebranded Sears.

Are you talking about the Sears Tower

that went up... That was right next to when the

charcoal plant went up? Yeah. The Chrysler Building was burned up when a charcoal plant...

Okay. So

your favorite building is the one that burned down...

Well,

seared. It's the Sears Tower. The one next to the one. It's a nice sear. It's a nice sear. People are

still working in it, but it's charred.

Yeah. It's charred.

But it's seared. It's not charred. No. Not the charred building. It's like a piece of ahi.

No.

outside. Blue on the inside. Good.

Good. Okay. Workable building.

sear.

With

Yeah.

And the call that I'll be doing? Mm -hmm. The police. The police. Okay. He will be doing... And can I put in parentheses, you are the police or you're in need of help? In need of help. Okay. Got it.

Yeah.

building. You know, and I'm glad you specified on 32nd because we don't like the other

Fuddruckers. No. The one on main is disgusting. It doesn't make any sense. It's not even open concept. They should call that one Fuck Rudders. That is a good... That you should say that really quickly

stage.

I might. I might.

All right. Great. And what was your first thing? Huh? Before you mentioned your wife. Meat guy. Your job. Meat guy.

What's your job again? I forgot. Beg pardon? It's

clearing my

throat. Was that a bird bird call?

You got to be careful back here. That was just a throat clear.

Okay. Good. I almost lost it. I clean out the back at Safeway.

Good. Good. Good. Good. It gets dirty back

there. It sure does. And I see you. You put in those boxes. You're breaking them down. You're making them nice. I've tossed them in the Baylor full. The Baylor does most of the work. Oh, really? I accidentally killed a man in the box Baylor one time.

Wow. Let's move on. Okay. Okay. Whoa. Hey, everybody. We see you out there. I am here co -hosting the Hamilton County Fair calling competition. The men are backstage right now giving all their information to your lovely, MC, but I am just so happy to be here tonight. I'm glad you all came out, of course, being hosted by 15 time calling champion Stan Flum. And we

just - So you're the host for the host?

Well, I'm the - You know, this is also being processed through public access

television. What time does Creed

play?

So, yeah, if anyone is here to see Creed Bratton from The Office's band, doing Godsmack songs. That is in two hours. So it's first the calling competition. No cursing, please. This is on public access. People are watching all across the town. Hello, hello,

hello.

Is doing his famous fun from pig call to monkey call, back to pig call to baboon. Zoe! Zoe! Zoe! Zoe! Zoe! Zoe! Zoe! Zoe! Zoe! And now it's Bubba 5.

No way, I gave it to early. He's calling a big boat. He's calling a big boat in. That is my mistake, and that's why he's the best.

Hello, everybody! We're going to get you guys out of here to see Creed very quickly, but we do have a bunch of married men backstage ready to do their calls for you, and I appreciate those of you who are my true fans knowing that that was not a cow, but instead

a

big

quick dig at me apparently there. That's

all right. He's one of the best. He's right to do it. You know him. He's Carolyn's husband. But he's welcome to the stage. Your first caller, Mike!

Hi, everybody! Hello, hello, hello, hello! All right, here we go.

This man does my meat!

There we go. Six pounds turkey. Hey, someone knows!

Just for fact -checking out there, he doesn't do the meat exactly, but he doesn't claim to do the meat. He's not allowed to cut it at the Kroger. Help! Help! Help me! It looks like he's doing a... Help me! He's just called a

home. Creed's early! Creed's early! Creed's early! Help me now! Now everybody, don't get out of your seats. I'm six feet from the edge! And I'm

thinking... Okay, it looks like he's doing a suicide call. So a very bold call to do with your first call in the calling competition. It can make a lot of people uncomfortable. Thank you.

Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop!

Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop! Boop!

Boop! Boop!

Boop!

Boop! Boop! Boop! at the end. We didn't have time. We're trying to move this along. I'm going to go through everybody's favorite building at the end, and then I want you to hold your applause until the very end. All right, guys.

Hold your applause, folks. Hold it. Hold it.

All right, guys. We got... You know him. You love him. I know his name. I remember his wife's name, but I'm going to let him Craig and starts with a D. My wife is Dina! Here comes

Dina's wife. Here comes Dina. Dina's awesome, Craig. Dina's awesome, Craig. Dina's awesome, Craig.

What's up, everybody?

My name is Craig, and I was acting totally different backstage. But your energy and the host's energy has made me feel

huge!

For

the fifth year in a row, Craig has gotten too excited. Today, I'm here

to

call

Pizza Hut!

Hello! Hello! He's calling a little early. We were waiting for the pickup. Hello! Hello!

Hello, Pizza Hut. I had a

large for the I

had a plane!

Not you again. I had a large for the night! Not you again. There's a link for the night! You didn't pay last time. We can't do this. We can't keep doing this. We can't keep doing this. I don't pay for the price! Please stop calling us. Yeah! I'm

hanging up now. I'll be

home

soon! I'm hanging up now.

Oh!

I'm hanging up now.

Wow! And the big reveal at the end that it was his own wife working at Pizza Hut that he was telling he would be home soon. Even his wife will not do another

delivery after what

happened last time. A beautiful call from Craig. I'm very curious how the judges will rate that one.

Hey, guys. What do you want to give that one? We've got the judges mic'd up for the first time.

I gotta be honest. I had my eyes closed for most of it. It's pretty scary.

Yeah.

I didn't know we were doing phone

calls. Should we

pass? Hang on. I feel like they can kind of see

us. Oh, we can use our pass. Let me pull the sheet over. Can we use our pass? I feel like we should maybe use our pass. Yeah, should we not judge this one? Let's not judge us. It looks like the judges are considering using their one pass. It's pretty early in the day.

They're going to regret that. Pass. And they are holding up the PASS cards. They've officially passed.

All right, guys. Guys, keep it going for Craig. Hold your applause. We're getting to the buildings at the end, folks. We've got one final competitor and you know him. You love him. He was recently married. A lot of us were there. His name is Robert and his wife's name is Sarah. Give it up for Robert.

Don't flick us off. You all suck out there. Boo.

Don't flick us

off. Boo. Let me hear it. You suck.

You all

suck out there.

Your

wedding suck. Hey, fuck you, priest. Most of us were there. Most of us were there.

I recognize a lot of you all from my wedding. Fuck you

all. If it's going to be six hours, you've got to serve food.

Nope. No. We said come having had long service.

We thought it was a joke.

Yeah, it was. On you. All right, Sarah. I love you very much. This one is for you.

Is

that my

Very personal one. He's going with a very personal one.

Is that my

boy in there?

Officer. Officer.

Officer. Is that my boy in there? This is verbatim. Him looking for his son. Officer. Not quite a call, but it just seems so emotional. So emotional. Do we pass on this?

I really wish we wouldn't have used our pass. I hate this one. Or something I hate. I don't know what to do with it. We can't give him verbatim losing his son a two. Can we? Because I prefer pizza. I prefer pizza. I prefer pizza.

No, please. You fucking pigs. You didn't do anything.

Oh, God. All the cops are leaving.

You didn't do anything.

He lost his son at the mall.

Yeah.

son. The Abercrombie doesn't have tall bed sizes. It takes longer to try everything on

because the sizes are in the crew. Where's my boy?

Officer, you did nothing.

Okay. He's added some new lines. To the day. Wait right here. I got to use the restroom, but you went right here, officer. We're having trouble, having sympathy for you after the wedding. Fuck you. All right. Keep it going for Robert.

All right, guys. Well, that's all three calls today. As promised, hold your applause. We got seared building. We got old Fuddruckers, and we got the new McDonald's.

Yeah!

There we go. Robert may have won him back with the new McDonald's, which is a town favorite as far as buildings go.

All right. And where most people went right after the wedding was over, immediately. Bring them all out together!

Bring them all together! You want us to bring them all out, all three of them together? Yes! Okay. We don't normally do that like you normally do. Bring them out and call out the winner. We usually leave them in the back, and they accept off stage. Bring them out

and let them

We want triple

call! We

want

triple call! All right, guys. The town is chanting for triple call. We are going to do triple call, and you know what? The rules of triple call are. It has to be a new call from your original one and all simultaneous. Okay?

Join in, host!

We want the quad call! Oh, my God. Not quad

call. You want me to get on stage, too? The crowd has gone call mad.

Okay. They should not get enough calls. Quad call! Quad call! Quad call! All right. They are chanting quad call, so we are going to bring everybody out, and I'm going to be on stage here. Everybody come out. Come back

out. Yeah, yeah. Hey, everybody. Hello, hello. Sorry, I wasn't expecting to come back out

again. I miss you, baby. Robert quickly composed himself. He was having a crisis, and now he's okay. All right. As you guys know...

Beautiful wedding, by the way.

Thank you so much. I really loved it. He's got one

fan. One

fan of the long wedding, no food.

As the man who's holding a snack pack, I

see why. He brings his own food everywhere. Okay. Okay.

That's a Lunchable. You can't eat it like

that. Well, I still use a spoon. He's cut up his Lunchable into sort of a chopped salad style.

Let's do the

quad call. Is that an

antipast?

Well, my family's Italian. All right. We know.

obsessed with the chopped salad.

getting

Everybody

All right.

My security's going to have to hold the crown back. They are all trying to peek at the antipast. It's just... It's as good as you think, folks. I'm Lunchable, folks.

Don't get too

close. Ham, turkey, cheese... What did you do with the crackers? Ham, turkey,

cheese, and Skittles, baby. Oh! Jay, don't get close, guys. He got rid of the crackers and he added Skittles. All right. So we're going to do... Ah, my tooth! Unrelated. Unrelated to the chop. All right. We're going to do the quad call. Everybody ready with their quad call? Yeah.

I just want to quickly... Just so everybody knows, I am married. Okay? Just so you know. What's your wife's name? My wife...

Uh... It's... Um... Her name... What's going on?

Her name is wifey. If he's single, I'm going to rush the stage and try to fuck him. If he's single, I blow up my gun. I'm going to rush the stage and try to fuck him. Okay. All right. Guys, I hate to tell you, but

as the best caller in town, I'm unmarried. I'm

sorry.

Host!

Host! But I was wondering, maybe I could try to call...

for a date here right now?

Nice. Nice. Nice. Sure. Sure.

Okay. Do I pick a name that I want? Yeah. That's

how we all do that.

Okay. Let's just come. Yeah.

Okay. All right.

Lacey! Lacey! Lacey! Lacey! Date who? Lacey!

Lacey! Use your fucking pants, Lacey!

Lacey!

Lacey! Lacey!

Lacey, help! Lacey! Lacey! The four callers, for those of you

just tuning in, are

calling to find a mate

for our number one caller. Lacey! You should be included! Lacey! Lacey!

Hey, is it my turn to go on?

Uh, yeah.

Is it my

time? Yeah,

you're a little early. Oh, I'm a little early. But I think they would be stuck to see you. Okay. Can I just go on? Lacey! I'm going to be stuck to see you. Lacey!

You're actually, hang on. Huh? Put this wig on.

Anyone with long hair!

What?

Could be Lacey!

You're Lacey now.

Lacey! Lacey!