6. Guest Services

Hey, hi. Hi there. What can I help you with? It's a beautiful day. It

is a beautiful day. Thanks for coming to the fair.

Yeah. Thanks for running it. I don't know what your involvement is.

I don't run it, but I am here to help. What can I do for

you? I am just wondering. I only have a limited amount of time here, 45 minutes. And so I'm wondering what you would recommend are the best things to see before I leave.

Ooh, well, if you're talking rides, I definitely recommend the zipper or the upside down pirate ship.

Okay.

Yes, I'd love a ride. For food, I recommend the hot ham sandwich stand.

Okay.

The funnel cakes are really good. And for attractions, you've got to check out the pigs.

Okay, great. That's very helpful. And is there a golf cart or something that can get me back to my car because I'm parked really far away? It's going to take me at least 25 minutes to get there on foot. Unfortunately, we don't have a golf cart for the parking lot. You'll just have to walk in the same way you walked,

walk out the same way you

walked in. All right, so I've got about 20 minutes to experience everything then.

Okay.

So I'll just go fast. And what was your name? Samantha. Oh, Samantha.

Yes. Yes. Why did you say that?

Just a beautiful name. I've been trying to think of a name for my daughter.

And Samantha just really hit me when you said it right now. All right. Well, thank you, sir. Is there anything else I can help you with?

Do you know any other women's names? We've been really stuck. I mean, my mom's name is Sherry. No. I like

Samantha a lot, though. Well, yes. I mean, that is another woman's

name. Yeah, right. So it was correct.

I mean, just know for my daughter. I see.

It can't be anyone who's appeared on Saturday Night Live as a main cast member. I mean, my best friend's name is Kristen. I like it. Okay.

No, no. I

hate

No. I think this is really helpful. Samantha.

Thank you, sir. Appreciate it. Who's next? Hi. Sorry. I'm so sorry. Just wanted to let you know. I don't know if you guys know this. You don't have to be sorry.

You're in the

right place. I know, but it feels like an inconvenience coming here. You were having a great conversation with that guy, and I just feel

bad. You are right in the right place, sir. Right in the right

spot. I just wanted to let you know that I noticed a few areas where the sort of barrier around the fair has been sort of separated. Pieces of fence have been moved. Oh, really?

That's not good. Yeah. You know, I didn't see anybody sort of doing anything nefarious or anything. I haven't seen any criminals or anything like that, but I just wanted to come let somebody know so you could go and take care of that. Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah. You have a big cut on your hands. Did you take the fences apart?

Can I be honest with you? Yes, please. I was trying to see if you guys were ready for anything, and

it turns out you're not.

Okay. Yeah.

Well, thanks for letting us know. Did you pay to get in? You paid the ticket,

right? Of course not. Look at me. Okay.

Well, you

need to go back up. And this is the kind of guy that you know now can get in here. Okay. And I'll do crazy stuff.

Okay.

So I just think you need to call somebody right now. I want to see you right now. Dial your phone. What's your name?

All right, sir. Samantha.

Wow. I love that name. Okay. Thank you. Would you believe that's the name of the woman that I just broke up with? Yes. Wow. Yes, I would. Well, you look just like her.

No. All right. Well, thank you, sir. I need you to

go out front. I need to see you make changes.

That's not what this booth... Okay. There's a bomb in here. Hello. Hey, Derek. Did I just hear somebody say there's a bomb in here? Yeah. Wait. In here? What do you mean in here?

There's a bomb here somewhere. What's the protocol? You don't know it? Okay.

Derek, never mind. Sorry. This

guy's fucking with us. Samantha, I'm so sorry. I just sent a secret badge shopper

to you. Oh,

I think I got him here. You know what I mean? Yeah, I think I got him here. And I just want to say, I didn't say do a bomb. I think he's going

a little too big with this opposite secret shopper. Yeah, that was really scary.

But it was... I think you handled it really well. Thank you, Derek.

Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Excuse me, sir. We're trying to watch a movie in here. You take the phone call outside.

Are you good? Are you busy? I'm good. I'm good. No, you're not. Yes, I am. Everything is fine. Okay, this movie's too long. When I get tired of it, I'm being treated like a

brutalist. I'm being brutalized by the length of it.

Okay?

Oh,

yeah. Real good one.

Real

good one.

It sounds like he's actually getting a little caught up in the problem, too. He's not being a good guest either. Right. Yeah.

You can tell him I said that. I'm almost to the first intermission. Okay.

a very good customer either.

First intermission. You're not being

you did

Oh, it's not? We're trying to watch the movie. Can you guys take this outside or something?

Okay, Derek, well, thanks for letting me know.

If it isn't, a Nora.

Look at you.

My

dessert? No, me. Do I get a free dessert since I'm in here now? Oh, yes, I do have a coupon. I didn't realize you were, you're not supposed to tell people you're a secret chopper. Well, the jig is up. But yes, you do get a free funnel cake, small. Awesome.

Can I do the turkey one or is that special?

You can ask. Okay.

Sometimes they'll give you turkey, sometimes they won't. It depends. You know, at the fair, we're all kind of like, you know, month, just employees for the month. Oh, gotcha. So you kind of never know. Okay.

Anyway, there's no bomb here, by the way. There's no bomb here.

you. Good.

Thank

Bye, sir.

Hello. They didn't take my coupon. Excuse me? At the bumper boats. They didn't. They wouldn't take the upgraded boat. What did they say? I was a secret shopper from earlier and I got the coupon for the bumper boats. Oh,

I'm sorry. And I wanted the biggest boat. I think they're mostly all the same size. Nope. There's one that's slightly bigger and you know which one I'm talking about. It's the pink one. Yeah. And it's faster too. And I wanted the upgraded boat. But that's for the lifeguard. So I can bump people out of the pool. That's for the lifeguard. It's not for other patrons.

I wanted to ride in the lifeguard boat. And the ramps start to keep people in the pool. The ramp around the edge of the pool is to keep people in. No,

I've seen people bumped out.

Okay. But we know

that this is a thing. I've seen people bumped out. We know this is a problem. And we don't allow people to bump them out.

No, because they get trapped in it. They're trapped in it and they fall on their head. No, I know. Because the engine goes. Okay, so you've been on YouTube. So you've been on YouTube. You've been watching what happens. Yes.

I'm obsessed with it. I

want to bump people out of the pool. Sir, we can't do that again. All

right. We've already. There's a bomb here. Goodbye. Goodbye. I'm going to complain. I've got a long walk back to my car. Technically, you sort of work here. You're a shopper. I know. I want to bump people out of the boat. Out of the boat or out of the pool. Okay. You know what? Just give me a turkey coupon.

I can give you a funnel cake coupon and they

might do turkey. Okay, I'll try. I'll be back. I will be back.

There you go.

Thank

you.

Okay, next. Samantha, I've got five.

I'm just on break from the. What's going on, Keith? What's happening?

I just wanted

to

chat, see how you were doing. I'm good. It's been crazy today. Got some crazy customers, to be honest.

Yeah. I don't know what's going on. Like less families and more just sort of like lone wackos. Whoa.

Like I'm used to, I'm so used to like families of four, families

of eight. Yeah. But I think it's, they decided to also open the fair from noon to three during peak late off time.

And I think these are all kinds of like the big layoffs kind of happened in the city. That makes sense. Yeah. A lot of guys are walking around just saying I'm fine out

loud. Yeah. I've been noticing. Yeah, me too. But you know, the fair is a good place to forget.

Well, how's your day going? Is it a tough shift or? Um,

you know, a lot of weirdos, but mostly just making sure that, uh, nobody is cheating the skee ball machine. So, uh, I got my eyes on the prize there

and everything, but

I want any, any hits or, um, no, no, no

one's, no one's even doing the skee ball right now. So luckily. Yeah. Uh, but I was just wondering, um, if you were going to, uh, uh, Mike's, um, uh, gift exchange for his birthday.

Oh yeah. I was thinking about it. You know, I, I kind of said that I was going to stop going to like the fair work functions. Yeah. But that's, but that did sound fun. I mean, it's, I just don't know. I don't have a gift yet.

And I just, I'm kind of like, yeah, no worries. Are you okay? Yeah. You just started talking really weird. Really?

Yeah. Yeah. I got a

bomb. Are you going to Mike's? No, I got a bomb.

What? I have a bomb

on me. Why? You work there.

Why do you have a bomb?

You're at work. You should go to Mike's gift exchange room instead of bomb off in the fair. Hey, hey, hey. Okay. You don't have to do

that. All right. I'll see you there. You should ask. You should ask if I would like to go with you instead of just saying, are you going or else I'll blow it up. Okay. Would you like to go with me?

I just don't really want to go.

Well, we could do anything. We could go see Chris.

I would love to go see Cruz.

All right. I got

to

go back to work. You know I want to see Cruz.

Excuse me. Excuse me. Yes. Hi. How can I help you? Just really quickly. My son won a little Tweety Bird watch at the ping pong balls into the red cups.

Oh, and the frat booth. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. My seven -year -old won a thing playing beer pong.

How was the hazing?

Huh? Not so bad.

Not so bad. I was expecting worse. But

I just wanted to, after, you know, walking around the park for a couple hours, he looked at the Tweety Bird watch and he's just like, I don't really want this. Is there any way that I could sort of exchange the Tweety Bird watch for like the big Marvin the Martian or like...

The big Marvin the Martian? Yeah. Like the big one with the big head. The one that's in the middle of the square? Yeah.

No. The big statue. Can't do a little Tweety Bird watch for the big Marvin the Martian. Oh, come on, buddy. Do you know what you have to do to win the Marvin the Martian? Yeah. You have to win every game at the whole fair. You have to get your punch card full.

Yeah. Including a wrestling match with the owner.

You have to wrestle the owner for Marvin. That's the whole thing. But there's no way my son

could beat that guy. I know. That's like his whole deal. He's an Iowa State champ and it's a big trick.

Okay. Well, maybe not. Okay. Not the

Marvin the Martian. You don't want the Marvin. I

trust you. Well, how about

this? What

about... Where are you going to put the big Marvin? I don't know. It's not about where it's going to put. It's just the sort of... It's like a badge of honor. Listen.

How about... Is there any sort of exchange I could do for the Tweety Bird? Like, is there other, I guess, sort of similarly priced gifts like the iPad or something like that that I could switch it with? I can give you several coupons.

Okay. That you can take throughout the park and see if you can barter and trade up. For coupons?

Yeah. If you can go get yourself two turkey funnel cakes, they might do the turkey. They might not. And then take those over to the kettle corn guy. He might be able to give you a lot more kettle corn.

Then you can take that kettle corn over to the zipper. Okay. He can give you a bunch of tickets. I could do that. Then you take those tickets. You're going to have to, you know... I could do that. Or... I could hide a bomb somewhere.

Come on. Nobody has a bomb. This is the oldest trick in the book. I don't know if you guys saw it on YouTube this

year or what, that that works, but... I've read the anarchist cookbook. The what? Say it again. The anarchist cookbook. Okay. They teach you how to do bombs

in there. Okay. Well,

listen, sir. I'm calling your bluff. I don't think you have a bomb. This is the fifth person who's told me they've had a bomb. Oh, yeah? I haven't blown up yet. Well, it's going to be really funny when the bomb squad comes and they see a bomb that uses the Tweety Bird watch

as... I'm having a phone call.

Okay. Be careful. Hey, how's it going in there? Hey, it's going okay. How are you? I'm still at the movies. Okay. Okay. Is everything okay? Sounds pretty raucous over

there. Yeah, there's a

lot of people talking. Shh.

Hi. Don't shush me while you make a phone call. No, it's brutal in

here if you know what I mean. Okay? It's brutal.

What am I, inside of a conclave of talking? Shh. What is it? What is it, Jeremy? I think he thinks conclaves is like a cave.

Jeremy, what do you want? Are you just... I'm wishing I was in that movie about priests in a cave. It's not. Well, I'm not. I'm standing on my chair in the front row talking loudly and I'm just making sure nobody

is blown up the fair. Are you looking at the screen or looking at the

crowd? The crowd.

No, nobody's blown up the fair yet, but every person I've

talked to is threatened to. Good. Every single person. What is up with all the single men here today?

Oh, it's unemployed hours. Did the jail just let out?

Oh, it's unemployed

hours. Oh, and they just rang the bell at jail. I forgot about it. It's just got out. It's a

minimum

day. Yeah. Everybody's getting picked up from jail.

It's like a crazy

pickup line. That's crazy. Hey, everyone. My name is Travis. How'd you enjoy the first half of Conclave? I mean, how brutal is. Fuck.

Hey. I'm at kind of like a budget version of the archive. The guys don't really know the movies. And they're

run ragged. I love that. Do you work here? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. In the future, I hope to. Okay. Those are two. Those two things can't both be

true. All right, Jeremy. I'm going to let you go. All right. We're going back to you.

Okay. Click.

Hey, I'm back.

I just want to apologize. Oh,

hi. I got the turkey funnel cake. Good. And I was able to bump a lot of the boats out of the pool. Oh, no.

Yes. It was awesome. Okay. You were right. They're all the same size. And if you get a good running start, you can bump them all out. And people are hurt on the exterior.

Well, I'm really happy to hear that you're having a good

time. I'm having a

blast. And I technically can't do anything about it. I think someone should take over over there. But

can I show you something underneath my shirt? Of course. It's a bomb.

No, it's not. It's strapped to me. Yes, it is. You've drawn, crudely drawn pen, just pen onto your.

First of all, you have abs. It's the word pen. Thank you. No. I drew abs and I drew the word pen.

And then you said pen. And then you said it's a bomb. But it just is fake abs and the word pen.

Yes. I drew abs on. And when I was trying to write the word bomb, I wrote what I was actually writing with. So I wrote pen because I have ADHD. And sometimes I write the word.

I hear you. That I'm using. I hear you.

I don't know if you look at my notes right here. It just says all pen.

Pen, paper, pen, paper, pen, paper. This is me trying to write a love letter. Anyway, all the bumper boats are out. People are hurt. They're screaming. All of them? Yes.

I reigned supreme in the pool. Anyway, I'm about to go light this place up. Good for you. I don't believe you, but good for you. I'm

glad you're having a good time. I have one, folks. It's gonna ban! But I