5. Ring Toss

Ring toss, ring toss, get your ring toss. Come in here. You can win all sorts of good

prizes. I'd like to try this. Oh, hell yeah. Young man. Great to see you. How you doing today? Having fun at the fair? I'm doing good. Yeah. Doing pretty good.

How are you? I'm doing okay. You know, the rules, you take three rings, you throw them at the cups. If you go at the bottles, you get one ring on a bottle. You get a, we get one of the first row prizes. You get two rings. You get second row prizes. You get three rings. You get a bonus ring and you get the top row of prizes. If you land the bonus ring, you get a car. Whoa. Okay.

All right. Let's do it.

There you go. Here's the rings.

Uh, yeah, I know these like never work,

but

this, and this one's really tough. Let me tell you.

All right.

Oh,

there he goes. You got it. Would you, would you like to go again and get the second chance at the second row of prizes or do you want to get one of these little cartoon key chains?

I'll go again. I'm feeling pretty lucky.

Take it. That's incredible and insane that you landed the first one. That's okay. Let's go for number two. All right.

Absolutely.

Here we go. Yeah. Blow on it. Okay.

Awesome. This is cool that you did that. Okay. Second row prizes. I think you actually probably won a second row prize. Right. We got a, uh, toy story watch. We got,

uh, we got a, a, a Buzz Lightyear wallet. Oh yeah. I brought that. Oh, wow. Okay. Okay. So you already got all those prizes. Okay. So you probably won't go again. Let me go again. There's no way I'm going to get the third

one. Okay. Here we go. First time today. Somebody's gotten to the third row. Here we go. Here we go. Everybody take a look. Take a look. Third toss. You farted on it. Here we go.

Okay. And you win a car. Dude, where do you guys get the

car?

Whose car is it? You're not

going to get it. It's not your car.

Let's get it. You want the third row. You want the third row. I mean, look at that. Hey

man, I'm feeling really

lucky. That's Kung Fu Panda.

I didn't like that very, very

much. Okay. Well, the other one, that's one of the, it's a big version of

the Buzz Lightyear wallet.

Right. Well, I don't have a giant wallet in case I get a giant check. Hey, don't get that man. I

regret it every day. Do you have to use it?

We don't accept cash that big, sir. All right. Let me do one last one. Let me do one last one. Okay. All right. All right. Well, there's no way. And by the way, I didn't say it before, but you see the top row of the bottles that have the slightly bigger lips. You got it.

And this ring looks a little

smaller. Yeah. You got to make it on the one with the red ring around the top already. Okay. And then you'll get a car.

There's really not much room for it. Okay.

Oh, I thought you were throwing it. You're still doing your

routine. Ding.

Fuck. You got it. Fuck you. Oh. Fuck you.

You

win a

car.

No. Okay. Or

you could go again

and

win

a house. I want to go again.

I want to go again. Don't go again. Why? Because you already won a car. Do you put up your own stuff as collateral for this? Yeah.

Nobody's ever won

the fucking car. Well, the car and the house look very much like your style.

what's that supposed to mean? Well, they both have flames on them. Yeah,

Well,

they do. They're cool. But okay. How about this? We'll double or nothing?

No. Okay.

I just want to double. Okay.

Wait. What's in it for me? I'll just take the car. I'm good with the car.

Fucking hell. All right. What's your name?

Seth.

All right. And you're now the new title owner. Let me see. Wow. You have the

deed right here. What's your last name? Cornucopia. Seth

Cornucopia. I am the... I don't want to put it in my real name.

Okay.

Shut up, wallet guy.

And then I am the current owner. I am now transferring ownership. Fucking wallet guy. Get out of here.

All right. I want a car.

Well, Seth Cornucopia, you are now the proud owner of a 2004 Corolla. Hey, man. Do you know who that was?

Seth Cornucopia. That was Atlanta Braves pitcher Tom Glavin.

No, that

was Seth

Cornucopia. No, he goes to carnivals

and he wins old things that belong to the people that work at the

carnival. You mean to tell me Tom Glavin came to my ring toss. Yes. Swept. Yes. Took my 2004 Corolla. I

just... If anybody else comes in, make sure to look them up and down. Yeah. Google the old baseball players

and the athletes and make sure they're not one of them. I'll do it. I'll take a picture and do a reverse image Google

search.

Exactly. Exactly. To see if they're a famous... But clear your history before you do it because if you pull that up, people can see all the old images that you've searched through. People can see that stuff? Screen grabs of GIFs from Reddit where you're like, who is she? And then you go... I do love a screen grab of a GIF. I find the

best... I'm with you, brother. Yeah. All right. We're just a couple carnies. Thank you so much for the input. All right.

Well, all right.

Inauthentic Native American fry, Brian. Inauthentic fry, Brian.

I think you should leave off inauthentic.

Well, if I say

authentic... Oh, wait. Yeah, no. That's not appropriate. Hi. I was going to get a piece of the bread.

Great. Would you like it with American cheese? I

don't think so. I don't think so. You know what? I'm going to pass. Never mind.

Damn it. Is it just bread? It's just bread, fried bread, and that's it. It's bread I put in the fryer and I throw a piece of cheese on it.

So it's a fried cheese. Not a grilled cheese, but a fried cheese.

Okay. I'm renaming it.

Okay. I'm trying to help you out.

I'll need your fucking help. I'm doing just fine. There's a picture of the last woman I went on a date with.

How was that queued up? Why was that queued up? It's not your home screen. It's in messages.

Why is it queued? Because you wouldn't believe how often I have to prove to people that I'm just fine.

All right. Well, let me help you out. Let me get one fried bread sandwich. And do you have any ranch or

ketchup? I don't need your help. No.

Well, then let me just purchase one.

Okay, great. Fried sandwich. No cheese. I

don't have ranch or ketchup, but I do have horsey sauce. Like horseradish?

I guess it's similar, yeah.

Is it actually like Arby's horsey sauce?

I don't know, man. It's like

horseradish. Yes, you do. You know. Is

it in a package? You think I need your help? I pet this dog two days ago. Why is it

queued? Why do you have two phones? One with a dog and one with a beautiful woman. Because if I leave messages here to show you the dog, then I got to go back. I got to search through our message history and find the photo she sent me. Let me get two fried cheeses and I'll get out of your hair.

Nine dollars. Okay. Oh, that's actually pretty good.

All right.

you.

Thank

You win a car.

Oh, my. I am having the craziest luck here at the fair today.

You don't need the car. Double or nothing.

Nah.

Double or nothing.

All right. What's the dog? I get two cars?

You would get the car and the dog.

How about triple or nothing?

I can't offer you the woman I went on a date with. She won't respond to my texts.

But you'll give me license to hit her up. How about that?

I don't think that's appropriate.

No sandwich, though. No sandwich. No sandwich. I don't want the stupid sandwich.

Hey, I'm looking to do the ring toss here. Okay. Yeah. What's your net worth? Why are you pointing your phone at me? Why are you pointing your phone at me? What's that say on there? I see your old history. Tiny wife. She's trying to look up, man.

Hey, guys. Let me get one more.

I just got... I'm looking for Riley Reid. Fuck.

Riley Reid.

This one is also Riley Reid.

It's Riley Reid. They're all Riley Reid. Siri, stop. Siri, enough. Why you keep looking up at that porn star?

It's Siri's doing it.

It's Siri's doing it.

You need to quit looking at it. Get your computer. Leave it at home. Look at the porn

on the computer. Open in Google Drive folder.

Porn. Riley Reid.

Jesus. Siri, I'm telling you, stop. Why you got hard copies? Why you got hard copies? I don't want to stop.

Siri, fuck you.

Come on. Fuck you. If you have hard copies, you should look it up. Keep it on

somebody else's server. Fucking fucking... Opening Google Sprite chains. And

so

All right, sir.

are we.

Why don't you throw your Buzz Light your phone away?

All right. Can I just say really quick...

True infinity. Riley Reid. That's a crazy mashup.

That mashup has never happened before.

Well, sir. There's

a snake in my porn. What? What? What is it? Ladies and gentlemen, please grab your husbands. They have gone nuts for the phone. Everybody hold your husbands back.

We do have a loose port of

phone. Roy! Get back here! Roy!

Yeah, I just want to say... Let me get a shot at this.

Roy!

get a shot in here. I'll just let you know that the

I'll let you

top prize has been taken. The car? The car

has been taken.

All right. Well, I have the big wallet. Ain't no problem to me. Okay, great. But what if I hit that bottle that's right up there by the light? Well, then you'll have to do four rounds, and then you'll have to do the double bonus

ring that goes up there. And if you do that, I have to work for you for the rest of my life. All right. That's good. I'm starting a business, so that'd be nice. And if you could stand off, I kind of throw out to the side. I kind of like... My arm goes way out to

the side, and I throw it away. Hang

on. What? Submarine -style picture. Yeah. Steps up to the mound. As you know, I got long hair in the back and a big mustache, so excuse me. You do seem like the big unit. What? You seem like

maybe... I don't know who that is. Okay.

Johnson. The only big unit here is yours when you're looking at your phone, okay? Okay.

I think you're Randy

And I hate to roast you like that.

You don't really know me. But you can't be looking at that

stuff on your phone. You don't really know me, okay? Keep it off your phone. I just want to let you know.

Keep it on the home computer. Come on. Okay. Well, I just want to let you... You got to not be dirty on your phone. You're bringing that thing out.

The big unit steps up to the mound. I'm going to make this harder for you. You won.

You won. That's

his first year.

You don't get to do it again. I appreciate you getting that far there. How you doing, Jay?

Hey, let's not have any

nonsense like last

time.

All right. No problem. Also, I'm plussing the difficulty for you. I'm releasing the birds. Oh, listen. Release them. Yeah.

Go ahead. There's got to be birds that kind of run. Randy about to throw. Here we go. We got one strike. One ball. Two strikes.

I went straight through the

bird. You went through the bird and you still hit the second.

Yeah,

okay. So,

hey, you probably want...

Am I going to leave with the wallet or am I going to go for two? Do you want the regular

size buzz like your wallet? Or you do work for me for free, by the way. For

free. All right. I'm going for the top bottle.

All right. You know what? Put me out of my misery. Just go for

it

straight up.

All right. Step out. Step out of the way. All right. You won.

I appreciate that. I appreciate that. Nice strike call for me. All right. You got to work for me for a year, my man. Let's go ahead and get out of here. I'm putting you to work quick.

Fine. I mean, this is what I agree to, I guess. Can I at least finish the shift here on

the ring toss? Yeah. I'll let you finish. But you're going to get yourself into much worse trouble if you, you know. Well, how about this? I got a buddy, actually, who wants to play here.

Really? He's needing some work and also a wallet. He loves

Toy Story. Get your friend down here. All right. He'll get a shot at the ring toss. If he doesn't get... Damn, I can't

do that whistle.

Hey.

Hey, Randy. Hey, you guys. I saw you trying to whistle from all the way over there. Yeah, I still can't do it. I can't figure it out. I want you to get a shot at this. Pretty good prizes. I feel like it's

pretty easy for guys like us. No, I understand. I'm just trying to get like a big, big Toy Story wallet.

Oh, yeah. So I'm just going to do... Okay, you want to go straight for the third...

Oh, you got those

here. We do have the big Toy Story wallet. I guess I will give it a shot then. You need to make sort of caveats on these where you can get yourself out of trouble.

-hmm.

Mm

You know, if he misses it... Well, that's the idea. Then you don't have to work for me. You can get your car back from... I was going to try to say

that a second ago, but you started whistling. Sorry. Okay.

All right. Good. But no, I do. How about this? This is what we got here. All right? I'll let you go straight for the third tier. You make it, you get your giant Buzz Lightyear wallet. You miss it, I don't have to work for Randy Johnson for free for a year. Okay? And

here's... A lot of pressure. I really want Randy's business to take off.

Here's what we're going to do. I'm going to give you a baseball bat. You have to spin around on it 10 times. Wow. And then you got to throw the ring. I haven't done this since I was on MTV's Rock and Jock in the 90s. I mean...

Oh my God. David Justice.

Is that you,

David? He's not a pitcher. I'm actually okay with this, David. Come on. You got to spin around for 10

times on this baseball bat. All right. Let's go ahead, DJ. He's got a lot of inner ear fluid. This is going to really wreck him. Oh, quick down.

He's down. He's

sideways. I like this. He's

Oh, he flat

dead.

-lined.

Wait. It hit him. Help. He

made it posthumously. It's just down. Help. Posthumous. Help. Posthumous. No. He didn't make it. He's dead, so it doesn't count. So you got to work for me for two years? I don't get what I want.

A big unit Uber for Mark? Wait. You're my driver?

Wait.

You started an Uber app just for me? Yeah.

Wow. The real big

unit.

That's right. Are you tired of just using a non -professional player branded ride service

app? You're not going to sell me. I am using the app right now. Yes. Big unit

rides. You show

up to me, and I give you the

guy.

That's great. Hey, wait. Where'd you get this car? What? Where'd you get this 2004 Corolla? I bought it off of Tom Clavin. What the fuck?

You're giving me a... You're going

to... Yeah. I have to use your car? Yeah. Yeah. Well, I mean, I don't know. That's the one I'd like to drive. I'm too drunk to drive. I got really drunk. I bought a Bob Marley poster that stopped Tom Clavin in his crack. Wait. Oh,

it's...

So you're... Will

you honk the

horn on that? Will you honk the horn on that?

You got friend in... Porn. Wait a

second.

Hang on a second. Let me get this straight. You got

friend in...

Porn. Sorry. Yes, I'm honking

this thing. Let me get

this straight.

When the road looks porn ahead... You got friend in the horn. Let me get this really quick. Could you just hit the left turn signal? Woody's Roundup. It's time to play.

I guess Woody could

be a hard on. That one's just straight up from Toy Story. No porn theme. Just really quickly. I want to make this make sense. So you started an app where I got to take people in their car to their house and then walk back? Is that what happens? Yes. Yes. Well, that's actually your old car.

To infinity

with my porn. Okay.

All right. That's the reverse beep. That's the back of it.

Well, fine. All right. Well, buddy, I guess let's get in and we'll go for...

Did I say? Because this is your car, right?

It

was. Do you know... Now belongs to Seth Cornucopia. Or did. Oh, no. No. He traded... It was Tom Glavin, actually. He traded it to me for a Bob Marley poster. And then, by the way, he looked at it. I think it's because he thought Bob Marley was attractive. But anyway, these sound like the real actors. Do you know how they got their voices to record these porn car drops?

How'd you get Hank's? I think they just paid him. Oh, wow. I think these celebrities, they'll do anything for a buck, you know? Capitalism.

Wait, wait. I'm going to Wasilla, Alaska. Jesus fucking Christ. So, I gotta be there quick. I'm picking up an oil rig job. That's

3 ,500 miles away.

baby. Step on it. I'll cover the booth.

Step on it,

Okay. Mmm. Oh, Jesus Christ. He's bogged down. Yeah.

He's bogged down. Oh, it's slay. Are you kicking my dog? It's slipping. The whole booth is slipping towards the bank. Watch out. You're going in the

ball. You're going in the river. Oh.

Oh, shit. They gone. I think he's dead. They gone.

He's

dead. This isn't even the biggest tragedy. Hey, let's sweep this one under the rug. Damn. All right. You want to get out of

here? Yeah. Let's roll.