9. Dumpster Security

Hey, hey, 50 feet, 50 feet, stay

back, stay back,

50 feet, please. What do you mean? You're a little close to the

dumpster. I see you walking with a receipt there. This is not the place to trash it.

Are you headed to the fair or are you coming to publicly

dump?

I'm sorry, I'm just trying to get back to my car here. Okay.

Okay, yeah, take a wider berth. Let's give

a wider berth. Sorry, I keep walking. I'm sorry. Are y 'all employed by the fair?

Don't play dumb here, buddy.

Come on. There's a dumpster that's half full and everybody in this town has got trash out the wazoo. Look at our uniform shirts.

Not

pants. Shirts only. Look at the shirts. The pants do not match. We didn't get pants.

Yeah. It says, what does it say? It says,

actually, don't look at my pants. Only look at the shirt.

Ignore his pants completely, but look at both of our

shorts. It's hard to ignore your pants,

sir.

Why?

Because they're

MC Hammer pants. Because you're trying to trick me to throw trash into the dumpster.

They're going to get the hell out of here. They just look like you're an 80s bodybuilder.

Our shirt

says, no public dumping.

Right. I see

that. You see that.

Yeah. You want to dump here. You want to throw your receipt in. And we know you're headed back to the house. You saw the dumpster. You said, ooh la la. And you're going back to the house to get all your trash and put it in here. Because you're, of course, your at -home canisters are full. They're full two days after they come and pick them up.

And yeah, these are hammer pants. I bought these from MC

Hammer's estate. And you know what? And you know why he's wearing those? Why? Don't touch this. Don't touch this dumpster.

I'm not going to touch the dumpster.

Uh -oh. Uh -oh. Uh -oh. Look at the dance. Uh -oh. Look at the

dance.

touch this. Kicking up dirt all over the place. It's not don't. Don't touch this isn't the MC Hammer song. You can't touch this.

Don't

Fine. You can't touch this. The dump.

Sir, if you're not trying to

dump, why are you still talking to us? Get out

of here. Sorry, I'm just trying to get back. Hey, fellas. Hey, fellas.

Hey. What's up? I think I saw you guys over at the honey hole, right? We were fishing a couple weeks ago. Yeah, yeah. What's happening,

Randy?

going? I remember you.

How's it

You didn't get to throw in a line, did you?

No.

You came with

net

pole. There's a why.

and forgot

There's a why.

Why couldn't I throw in line? Because we were guarding the honey hole. We were

guarding the hole. Don't come over here.

The trout are biting. Stay off.

You guys went home with a lot of trout that day.

I just needed some for a fish fry. It's good to see you, fellas. You too. It's good to see you. What you doing with that bag? Just pulling my truck up here, looking

around

what we got.

at

Good to see you guys.

You're pulling the truck up? I see a lot of

seagulls around the truck. Just showing my son the paper hat. Let me show you one thing. Pull up my shirt here.

Okay, I don't touch that.

I do not touch that. That's a gun in the waistband, my man. Don't you dare dump here. You're going to get hot lead in your

ass. What are we doing with so much trash again this week? It was just pickup day.

What's going on, Barry? It's a lot of Amazon deliveries. My wife at night when I go to sleep, I hear the Amazon app

pop open fast. Listen, men, wives are out of control

on Prime. Yep. Right? Yep. Right? Yeah.

They

can't get off of it. Us men, we go to the little small stores. We buy from local. They get on there.

When I buy from a small store, it doesn't come with packaging. I go in, buy one nail, and it's just one nail.

Yeah.

You just buy what you need. My wife. Stop inching closer. Easy, easy. We agree, but stop inching. You're closed. You're closed. Hey. I just took it out the land. I got my son in here. I'm just showing him the lay of the land.

Did you install a backup beeper on your Ranger? That thing's too little for a backup

beeper.

Yeah, it's more for me.

Why's your son got to sit in the back sideways?

Because I think I have too much trash for the front.

You got something strapped into the passenger seat. Your son back there with just a lap belt. He needs something on his shoulder, okay? He's going to get hurt. Listen, don't be coming up here, all right? We told you. You guys are doing good work. You guys are doing good work. We guard shit, all right? Mm -hmm.

I hear you. We are. If you're scarcity mentality, you call your boys, and we will make sure nobody shows up And did you really think you were going to get to dump all those boxes not broken down? Yeah. That's one of the craziest backs of trucks I've ever seen, full of squares and cubes. It's like an

awful Tetris thing. You just stack

all the way to the top. But they can fit into each other, at least. I was in a rush. I thought it would be a rush dump. You know how it is when you're

finding a dumpster. I

know. Let me be honest. I am looking for a dumpster. You know how it

It's a rush dump. It's a rush dump. You

is.

pull up, you wipe, and you move.

Wait, what do you mean you wipe?

everything off your

You wipe

car. You keep talking about rush dumps. You keep saying everybody knows what they are. You got to go quick. You need to notice when you have to poop, and you need to start to make moves earlier. Okay. So there's my rush dumps, and

there's my rush dumps. Are you typing this down? What are you doing?

You're typing? This is good advice. So here we go. Rush dump. I've got a Google Doc for every time someone roasts the way I live.

And I just put it in there, and then I make improvements. Dad, Dad, Dad.

Yeah, boy.

My stomach hurts.

Oh, my God. Would you walk my son to the bathroom

real quick? No, no, no.

was bad acting. That was bad acting. Wait, it's not. I think I have a migraine, Dad.

That

He's having migraines. He's got brain issues. He's got brain swelling. He got tackled pretty hard in the

baseball field. Are you okay? He got

tackled in baseball?

A

rogue football player just absolutely gold -burned him. Was he looking up for a pop fly and then just, bah?

You nailed it, Dad. He got speared. He got

speared. I'm sorry,

buddy. Goldberg Jr. hit him hard in right

field. The school said that we could take down all the fences and it wouldn't be a problem.

It has confused all the athletes. They would usually catch some of those stray blockers.

Quick

wipe, son. Wipe it off. Hey, hey, hey. My boy.

My boy.

He's seeing it? It's fine. He's faking it.

Is he faking it? He's faking it. He's

faking it. I need you to walk my boy to the

hospital. No

way. Walk my boy to the hospital. No, come on. I put blanks in my gut just to scare people off. There's no way. We're not walking him to the hospital.

We're going to the back of the Walmart parking lot. We're going to see if they lock the little thing that goes up on the dumpster

there. The little bar? You think

you can dump with two inches? We respect the bar. If

the

bar is up. All you got to do is put the

bar in there. What do you think the people who had to install the bar thought of? Like, society has broken down so bad that we need to guard the inside of trash cans. Maybe we're making too much trash,

society. That's what I think. That's what I think. But while this is my job, nobody's coming fucking close to it. And, hey, I get you, man. When I'm not at work, I'm going through the same struggle. I

got boxes at home that I can't get rid of. I hear you. This hand trick is doing a little bit of a job. Why do you think I'm doing this goddamn job?

When

I do this job, I bring a couple boxes from home every single time. All right. I know you guys, but fine. Come on, son. Bad acting. Let's get out of here. Hey, you know what? I feel bad about this. Just to let you guys know, we are going to be guarding the Christmas tree lot in December.

Y 'all want to come in there and throw some

trash away? Feel free.

Yeah, we throw our Christmas tree out December 4th. We are not one of those families that keeps the tree late. Yeah. You get rid of it too early. You get rid of it on the 1st and get rid of it on the 4th.

We get it right

after Christmas, and then it's done by December

4th. Mom and Dad take one picture in front of it and then throw it away.

Listen, you got to get to the... I mean, that's a real problem in January. You got to get to it early. I think you're right. Get a jump on it.

So what am I going to do? So January 3rd, I'm putting the Christmas tree and the New Year's bottles in my trash. Then where does my daily trash go? Obviously not

here. It's a nightmare. It's a true nightmare. I think we should all be living closer to the dump. Not to editorialize, but we should all... The dump should be the center of town if

we really want this town to work well. And then we just push everything into the middle. The dump is the essence of our society right now.

Instead of putting it on the outskirts, we have to gather.

in. We should really

outside

Right. We're going

be going inside out. And we're all racing to the dump. We're all just like, where is it? How do I get there? How do I beat people to it? Absolutely. First one to the stinkiest spot of earth. You guys have been helpful. We are going to drive by every public trash can and shove one

box into each of

them. Listen, do you need a job?

Because... No.

Dad, yeah, you

do.

fine. Dad,

said no. No, I'm

Hey, hey, you

said no. Why have we got too much pride? What

you

you

I'm fine. We see you hanging around all day everywhere uptown. Okay? We know you ain't working.

got?

Listen, we know... I mean, we were guys who made too much trash to begin with.

Oh, my God. I've made a change. That's how we learned the biz.

Okay? And that's how we became No Public Dumping. You've really been training your whole life, and you don't even know it. You'd be perfect.

Because all you've got to do is look for guys like you. It's like how the government hires hackers to figure out the NSA.

Exactly. I can't speak beyond that educational

advice. Yeah, yeah, Snowden. You're

a stinky hacker. Okay?

You've created trash, so much of it your whole life. You don't know how to break down boxes. You're terrible at the management of your own cans.

Every week I put in an order for a new can because my ass wants busted. I think the trucks are too crazy.

We can agree on that. The

trucks are crazy. The trucks lift it and sling it too

fast. We all know that. Let's hope those aren't the same guys doing the Boston Dynamics robots because they do not articulate as well as you'd

like.

Or the Boston Market because the chickens in

there are getting

really sloppy lately. Do you know they've joined Boston Dynamics in the market? No. No. The rotisserie's going nuts. That was the best thing those robots could do. Make rotisserie, make pot pie, make mash. Now they're coming for us because not only does that guy have a fervent thrust, but now he can make a pot pie. Those are the two

things I've got. Well, a lot of people don't know he was making a crust for a pot pie. That was the dough. They were going to smash it out and make crust.

Anyway, you need a job. Give me your card. My boy knows I don't need work. I'm fine on my own, but give me your

card. Here's our card. It's written on a huge bag of trash that's full. There you go. Oh, Christ. All right. Don't make it.

Gotcha.

Hold this. Gotcha. You just made it

take your

trash. That's yours

now.

A little more real estate in the game. That's probably not even a real job. They probably can't even give you a job. This was just a ploy to give you this big bag of trash. Are you kidding me?

There's dumps all

over this town.

And you guys get paid? Yes. Oh, yeah. McDonald's is paying us right now. We got three employees up there guarding their trash.

Building a little house around it, making it look like part of the

McDonald's. We got a big corporation happening. Wow. Yeah. Dad, I don't know. Maybe this is a good idea. Excuse me. Excuse

me.

Aw. Aw.

I've been blowing my nose into this one Kleenex all day long.

Oh, an old lady with a gross hanky. I'd love to discard it somewhere that isn't the dirty ground.

Dad, this is your chance to

prove yourself. No, keep it moving, lady. Please. No way. I got this.

Let me put my dirty hanky into the trash.

Hey, ma 'am. His first. Do I come into your house and quick dump and fast wipe

and then leave? I don't like this cadence. This cadence is usually mean.

No. He's fast wiping?

I didn't even know

that part. Ma 'am, this dump belongs to somebody who worked hard to earn this dump in this space. If every old bastard, young bastard, crazy lady came

by and threw their trash in here, there's not enough trash for the man or woman or person who owns it. What about all the stupid trash in your truck?

Dad, stand up for yourself. You have to prove yourself to these guys. She got

him.

She caught him on his

Spear.

strip.

dirty

Oh! Oh!

Okay. That was not acting. That's real. She's dead. You speared her to death. What are we going to do

with her? Dude, you panic. What are we going to do? We can't put her in the trash. We cannot. I got to

body. We

hide the

cannot.

Hey,

hey, hey.

We

cannot.

We know what we always do. When

an old woman dies next to the dump. I don't know why I even had a moment of wondering. You know what we do? We chop her up. We mix her body of hearts throughout the dump. Different dumps. Burp.

Burp. Burp. Sounds like you eat it. Burp. Or is that

separate? Oh, yeah. That was her tell. Oh, that's separate. That's you. That's your tell. Yeah, that's my tell. You're going full of jeans. Whatever I... Son, son. Look. What do you saw today? I would take her to the funeral home, but you know that place is packed up to the brim. We got our own guys on that.

No, we could just... We could take her to the

funeral home, not the dump. We don't have to take her to the garbage.

The funeral home is overloaded just like the dumps. The funeral home's dump is overloaded, and their inside is like a hotel that's fully booked.

Why don't we just

cops? It is fully booked. We could call the cops. It was a big accident.

call the

It wasn't an accident. My dad got overwhelmed. It was premeditated. I was thinking of it before I saw her on the way in, and I was premeditating how I was going to do

it.

Don't say you premeditated

it. Oh, my God. I had my tape recorder going.

That's not good. Did he mention it? Like, did he whisper it under his breath? He said spear out loud. Well, that was in the moment, though. As long as it's in the moment.

Wait.

If you play back that whole tape, you'll notice me premeditating throughout.

Right at the beginning when you backed your truck up during the beeping sound,

you could hear it? I was premeditating.

Really? Shit. You did look pretty in the zone. I was... What did you say when you whispered it to yourself?

Well, I premeditate like you would meditate in a Buddhist or like you would meditate in a...

Like in a Buddhist. A Buddhist place. Yes, a Buddhist

place. I was premeditating on killing this old lady.

Wow. That's not what meditation is. You're getting your brain brekked to your breath.

I know. I'm premeditating.

You're getting ready to get your brain brekked to your breath.

Son, what you saw today isn't how you should act.

know.

I

That is...

out of here. Yeah, okay.

Let's get

As long as he admits it, it's fine.

Son's covered in ketchup squib.

Yeah.

We got to find somewhere to put your Uncle James' corpse. I guess the funeral's overrun. That was Uncle

Well, he's in the back there too.

James?

He's under

some

recycling. We've been

of the

around with my... Hey, you might want to tuck

driving

some of those arms and legs in before you drive away. Yeah, most of his body is... It's only one toe is actually in the truck. He's being dragged.

Yeah, you got him by the toe.

I

know this is... I know this is hard to believe that this is how he would have wanted it.

What?

This was how he would have wanted it. Because you got

speared in the outfield?

Is that why? So it's how you want it because you're angry. You got speared in a little heat game. Look,

we'll put her in here. Okay? Thank you. Give us your uncle. We'll put him in here.

Okay? Thank you so much.

There's a ton of grease down at the bottom.

Some fair grease. Okay, fine. 30 bucks for the grease. We never do this. What if we... You want the grease? Oh, I thought that's what you were

saying. No. No,

the grease is going to help. Don't be inquiring about our trash. I'm sorry. You try to get rid of something. I

misunderstood.

Yeah. It's mostly fair grease. We put everything in the fair grease. We take a match. We light it.

We toss it in the dumpster. We'll look like we did an amazing job. No one put a single thing in here all night. Why don't we just

burn our trash all

the time? It's a great idea. I don't know. I don't know either. I think that's still bad for the

environment. As someone in the business, I don't know. I'm not sure. But why not shoot in space? That's what I always... We have to start shooting in space.

I know that's

expensive. I think it'd be too expensive. It's expensive?

Yeah.

Yeah. Chunk it. Chunk it. Dad, again, my dad thinks he can throw trash into

space. How can it be expensive? You just chunk it. That's what

we've been listening. He tries every week to throw our trash into space. Out of

a plane

would be easier.

You've crashed several planes. You throw it out just in front of the rotor.

I chunk on takeoff hoping it'll get connected to the plane and kind of keep shooting

up into the atmosphere. Out of a United flight? You've sullied four planes with trash?

Yes, in two ways. I made them crash

into the river and sullied them but I made them dirty. And Sully was driving. Yes. Oh, my God. Every time he

comes out. That guy needs a break. Do you know I saw him the other day and he has a trash problem? He's sullied Sullenberger. No.

He's sullied. His pants are

dirty. He's

dirty. Stop looking down at mine. Don't look at his pants.

Don't look at them. They're unrelated. They're unrelated. Our tits are up here. Yes.

Our tits are behind the shirt that says, no dumping

here. No dumping

here. No public dumping. And we have cut out titty holes. You have to. You have to.

You have to. You have to.

Fair. You have to. People have been telling us you don't have to do this. You have to. Well, the shirt looks crazy without it. No dumping here. What do you mean? I get that you're at your

job. You have to cut titty holes. I don't want to be around these men anymore. Son, you have to listen when men tell you how you live.

men anymore. These are

These aren't

your father's

co -workers.

I don't

want to be around these guys

anymore. Hey, come over here.

Come over here. No, dad. Wow. A part of the. Oh. You have to.

That's the shirt I gave you for

Father's Day. Oh, come on, son. Come on.

What? There you go. He doesn't care about his gift.

I wear that now.

I

love

you very much. I'm sorry. That was rude.

Thank you. I need to tell you something. Okay, go ahead.

And I think what you're going to say is going to be involved. Older men have this gift of life experience. And they are so thoughtful to offer their wisdom to you whenever they want with no concern for your thoughts or feelings or experience. You need to accept that that is hard for them to do. Old men don't want to constantly be telling you what to do,

but they know they wish they had heard of it. To give you bad advice. It's difficult for them. But

they have to. But it's part of their job. They have to.

So you listen to your elders. It's a problem with this country. Other cultures listen to their elders. And here we don't for some reason.

So listen to these older men

when they tell you, you have to cut out the nipples of your titty. Titties. You have to do it. You have to make titty holes. Because just nipple would be so weird. Yeah, it's the whole thing. It's the whole titty. Now that I look down, I am noticing a whole titty. And

just as another, you know, aged man talking to you,

honestly, I could get rid of the nipple. I like the boob. You know what I mean? You know what I mean? I don't really. As an older man, think about it. We all want to delete the nipples.

So

do you know how hard it is for these men to spend their time telling you this? Listen to them. This is hard for me to say, but

I'm really proud that I did tell you that. What do you mean, though?

Because really, what are you there for? If you just cut out the little nipple, it's like, what even is that?

But if you see the whole boob, you're like, yabba doo. Yes. We don't need it.

We've put it for years. Yabba doo. You cut out the dabba, and

you go, yabba doo. Nobody's got time for a full flint's dough. Dad.

Son, you're getting gems from these men. You

have

listen. Yabba

to

doo.

I'm talking to the court, Dad. I'm talking to the court, and I'm living with Mom. Okay. Well, you have to call me when you talk to them, because I have a rebuttal.

Good luck. The judge is in my pocket. I guard his cans.

Is that a way you get? And since he's your dad's new best

friend, yabba doo.

Yabba doo. You don't have time for the whole flintstone, son.